Tiger Beatdown

It is still totally weird that Obama is President, by the way. We are about a week into it, and I still have these moments where I pause and take a second to realize how weird it is. I think the first of these moments happened when I saw a newspaper refer to “former President George W. Bush,” and I was like, shit, former, as in he’s gone, as in it’s over. I voted for Gore a few months after my eighteenth birthday (and there were people who were mad at me for not voting Nader – in Ohio! – and there were people who were mad at me for voting at all because “the system was broken” – in Ohio!) and I recently read one of my diaries, and it was like, “Gabe says it’s too close to call; Florida is still up in the air,” and I totally laughed and/or was weirded out because this was written at 7:00 p.m. on Election Night, and also I had never gotten beyond third base when I wrote it, so you can see why I have a hard time believing that the Bush Era, which was the historical context in which I lived basically my entire adult life, is over. It is over, though. I keep looking around and being, like, “this is what America looks like while Obama is President” and then it all looks totally the same and totally different, and then I castigate myself for being a sentimental feeb, and then I go back to feeling like I have slipped into an alternate dimension. Then I wonder: where will I get my rage?

So, good news! There is still a place where Phyllis Schlafly is allowed to publish! I always thought she was “media dead,” which is what happens when someone is so irrelevant that when he or she actually dies you are surprised because you thought s/he’d been devoured by sharks or something several decades ago and you just missed it. Nope! Her work is available on a website called HumanEvents.com (“Headquarters of the Conservative Underground!”) which is positively swathed in advertisements for Ann Coulter. Did you know that there is a place where you can sign up to “Get Ann’s scathing commentary every week?” Well, you do now, suckers. In this week’s installment, “Feminists Expect to Cash in With Barack Obama,” Phyllis warns that the no-good meddling feminists are asking the President to advance their vile cause!

The groups that elected Barack Obama are poised to cash in on their investment…

… because they, like, BOUGHT HIM. Get it? They BOUGHT HIM? Because he is A BLACK MAN and they are like SLAVE BUYERS who BUY PEOPLE? HUH?

…and the feminists are muscling to be first in line.

… MUSCLING, get it? Because they are MUSCULAR, like MEN? So they are basically NOT REAL WOMEN? Do you SMELL WHAT THE SCHLAFLY IS COOKING, I guess, is what I am asking?

Read on, friends, to discover the terrifying nightmare world we will enter if the feminists get their way! They will:

— Pass the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act to repeal the statute of limitations and allow women to sue employers for alleged wage discrimination long after bosses are dead and unable to defend their actions.

Suing dead employers for discrimination long after they are unable to come up with stupid rationalizations for said discrimination barring the use of a Ouija board (“T-H-E-Y-M-I-G-H-T-G-E-T-P-R-E-G-S”), and also there is a slight possibility that people will sue discriminatory employers while they are actually alive, and their rationalizations will not matter, because it will be totally illegal! SHRIEK!

— Direct Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to compare pay scales in job categories held mostly by women or mostly by men, and then enforce wage control to equalize wages according to the feminists’ subjective definition of what they call comparable worth.

Eliminating the Pink Collar Ghetto, and making it no longer true that, as more women enter a profession, the wages for said profession tend to get lower, as if by magic! GASP!

— Appropriate $10 billion annually for daycare, early childhood programs, and grants for infant and toddler care so that mothers can be liberated from caring for their own babies.

Making it possible for women to earn incomes for their families by, for example, publishing columns and books or organizing around the ratification of a constitutional amendment, or even, horror of horrors, becoming attorneys, instead of staying at home taking care of their, oh, let’s say, six children! NOOOO!

— Require insurance companies to cover birth control, require pharmacists to fill contraceptive prescriptions, and remove the age restriction on over-the-counter so-called emergency contraception.

Requiring insurance to cover a recurring health cost for many women, then requiring pharmacists to actually make the medication in question available to people with prescriptions, in spite of the fact that this will totally allow women to avoid getting pregnant and having six children which they would, of course, be morally obliged to stay at home with instead of working! AIEEEEE!

— Ratify the long-dead Equal Rights Amendment with no time limitation on the process. Ratify the United Nations Treaty on Women (CEDAW), which would make our laws, customs and textbooks subject to supervision and control by a U.N. committee of feminists designated as “experts.”

“Ahhhh, my old nemesis, we meet again,” you can imagine Schlafly whisper-growling to herself as she types this paragraph. Legislating non-discriminatory treatment of women: it’s back, and this time, it’s not content with destroying America… it wants THE WORLD.

— Enact Hate Crimes legislation to cover acts of violence based on the victim’s real or perceived gender, sexual orientation or gender identity. Fully fund, expand and aggressively enforce the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), and enact the International VAWA (IVAWA).

So, Phyllis Schlafly has a gay son. Did you know that? Es verdad. Don’t be expecting any Heathers-style declarations of love for him in the near future, however. Not even when legislation to punish hate crimes against him (and her daughters, and her!) is passed into law, oh my God, LAWS AGAINST GAY BASHING BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA.

— Appoint feminists to key positions in all the federal departments and strive for gender balance (i.e., 50 percent feminists) throughout the government. Establish a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender liaison position in the White House.

Oh, calm down, Phyllis. They’ve only got to be feminists. Nobody said they had to be girls.