Comments on: SEXIST BEATDOWN: Hot Co-Ed Sexual Mediocrity Edition

By: Jezebella

Jezebella — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 02:13:27 +0000

Back in the 80s, when I was in college, when you ladies were OMG FETUSES, we also had casual sex and got drunk. Sometimes we got drunk and had casual sex. I think I heard something about them doing it maybe even in the 70s and the 60s, too? Anyway, what I’m wondering is, do colleges not teach creative writing classes any more? Because that’s where we over-shared about our earth-shattering new inventions, known today as sex, drugs, and rock and roll. The newspaper was for, like, sports stuff and campus politics and complaining about the cafeteria food.

By: Devonian

Devonian — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:59:48 +0000

“He’d basically be told that he wasn’t a real man, mocked, called a “pussy” or whatever.”
He’d also be judged (extremely negatively) by a surprising number of women…

By: Maud

Maud — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 10:26:26 +0000

yeah, i mean, i’m fond of the collaborative approach to all this.

I suggest that you and Buster Darkhole write a collaborative sex column to be freely syndicated to college papers, with Buster providing his usual sexual insights and you, Sady, providing enlightening commentary. Because I feel that you really “get” Buster, perhaps more than his average reader does, and all would mutually benefit, which is what sex is all about, right?

I keep coming up with things for you to do in your spare time. I’m helpful like that.

By: DBN

DBN — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 18:53:59 +0000

What the fuck? When I was in university, the main newspaper had columns about, you know, news. Then there was the alternative paper that consisted of awesome debauchery and delightful radical politics. Its sex columns were about things like the importance of safe words and how to enjoy your enema kink in a healthy and safe manner.

I know that old people like me who are in their thirties or beyond tend to shake their heads and ask, ‘what’s wrong with these kids today?’ in a condescending, dismissive way. But seriously, what’s wrong with these kids today?

By: Gnatalby

Gnatalby — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 18:42:37 +0000

And that may be why there are so many men willing to walk up to the plate and say that men all conform to X stereotype and as men THEY DO TOO. Because there’s nothing worse than being called a girl.

Totally, which is why, in my opinion that I am actually just forming right now, I think that it’s actually pretty brave of you to own your “girly” feelings about sex and relationships, because I don’t think anyone could be a reader and doubt your feminist cred.

At the end of the day, both women and men should be free to have the option of no strings sex or only committed relationship sex or both at different times (as long as it’s all honest) without having either reflect on their gender as a whole or make them less of a woman or a man.

By: Sady

Sady — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:37:10 +0000

@Gnatalby: Oh, yeah. I mean, I may worry about being used to back up a limiting stereotype about The Emotional Nature of Women by saying that sex is an intimate and emotional thing that I can’t enjoy fully in a casual context. But the consequence, for a guy, of saying the same thing, would be WAY higher. He’d basically be told that he wasn’t a real man, mocked, called a “pussy” or whatever. For acting like a stereotypical woman. And that may be why there are so many men willing to walk up to the plate and say that men all conform to X stereotype and as men THEY DO TOO. Because there’s nothing worse than being called a girl.

By: Gnatalby

Gnatalby — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 16:01:52 +0000

I totally see what you mean, and that makes a lot of sense, because I can’t imagine the sex column wherein a man writes what you just wrote, which makes me sad about the world.

By: Sady

Sady — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 15:36:08 +0000

@Gnatalby: Oh, goodness! That was not the point I was trying to make at all! My point is that this standard is so unilateral and so performative that I think a lot of young sex columnists – male and female – are able to crank out these narratives (whether using the “I,” as in the case of the authentically douchey-seeming Mr. Darcy, or the “you,” as in many others) by not being terribly true to their own lives or desires, and just re-iterating the stereotype of what “normal” sex is supposed to be like. And, yeah, getting shamed for it, because the point of sex is that we’re given this one script but anyone who deviates from it or embraces it too publicly is going to get slammed because sex is DIRTY.

I, as a sex-positive feminist youngster, did much the same: like, constantly making the point that ladies can like sex, TOO, and they can have sex for THEIR OWN ends and can LIKE CASUAL SEX and never being honest about the fact that I, actually, find casual sex and/or casual sexual relationships to be roughly the seventh circle of Hell and much prefer to be in a relationship because sex is an intimate thing for me and I have Ye Olde Trust Issues that prevent me from feeling comfortable unless I know the person I am getting into this very vulnerable, judgeable situation with is fond of me and wouldn’t want to hurt me. Which is an overshare, maybe, but the point is that I made points about “women” that didn’t take my own experience into account because I was (a) embarrassed, and (b) was afraid of undermining the cause by sounding like one of those “hook-ups make girls SAD” people. Whereas they don’t, actually, always make girls sad. They made ME, specifically, sad. And they made my friends happy. And there’s nothing wrong with either of those situations. And I wasn’t really capable of making decent points about sex until I got it through my head that there’s no one right way to have (or not have!) it and that “feminist” sexual standards (sex-positive, radical, whatever) can be just as limiting as mainstream ones.

Basically, I think these sex columnists – guys and ladies – are maybe talking about what they think sex looks like or ought to look like, and the reason they all sound the same is that they’re fundamentally about maintaining a standard rather than actually considering what sex looks like in practice, which is infinitely complex and diverse. There’s nothing wrong with going home to watch a movie and call your mom and maybe send someone an e-mail asking if they’d like a date this weekend, if that’s better for you than the other options. Unless you’re then going out and being all, “ha ha, you know that stereotype about how attractive sexually active people of my age and social circumstance have sex? TOTALLY UPHELD IT, dudes!”

By: Gnatalby

Gnatalby — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 14:30:50 +0000

I am definitely not trying to leave a mean blog comment, but I have concerns about your conclusion.

SADY: Honestly! Here is what I think: I think that Buster Darkhole and Layla and Mr. Darcy and whoever are all filing these pieces that are like, “so I got totally WASTED! and had SEX! like PEOPLE MY AGE TEND TO DO!” then they are going home to make microwave popcorn and watch a movie and call their moms. and maybe ask someone out to a movie. that is what i believe. or hope?

AMANDA: i think they’re probably also silently weeping over the comments and/or getting shit from their friends.

It seems as if you are still reifying conservative-style sex as the awesome reward as opposed to solitary weeping about blog comments.

I’m not sure the right approach here is to say: “Whatever sexist dude. Your column sucks and therefore you are not getting any of that awesome competitive reward sex like you would if you were more discreet.” It seems like mocking dudes for not living up to hyper-masculine scoring ideals just reinforces that those ideals are correct.

By: Samantha b.

Samantha b. — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:31:01 +0000

It strikes me that the only reason for these sex columns would be useful is if we were all interested in the norms of others. The norms of Buster Darkhole. I mean, I picked up a couple of useful tips from reading “Ask Isadora” in college, but she’s board certified as a sexologist and a psychotherapist and has something besides dreary narcissism to bring to the table. In the rerun NYO pieces I’ve seen, even Candace fucking Bushnell interrogated her own motivations instead of just narrativizing pedestrian behaviors.