Comments on: Rape and selective outrage in the feminist community http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/ Kumbaya Motherf*cker Central Tue, 07 May 2013 07:22:10 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Nym http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48325 Nym Mon, 29 Oct 2012 02:24:33 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48325 Whatjustice - I am so sorry, words cannot confess how much I hurt for you. I told my partner, she's horrified. She changes my nappies (diapers) without complaint, does everything in the house, still works too, so that we can stay together. I wish she had a clone that I could send to you. Even though I do not know you, I want to just say that you are a human, my fellow human. Our humanity is only invisible to bigots and the wilfully ignorant. I love you as a sister, and I hope beyond hope that you are not abused again, or killed, due to the disgusting actions of "care" professionals. I'm sorry I can't come to the US and look out for you. I'm sorry that you've been ignored, dismissed, and abused all over again by the people who were supposed to help. Please take care. Whatjustice – I am so sorry, words cannot confess how much I hurt for you. I told my partner, she’s horrified.

She changes my nappies (diapers) without complaint, does everything in the house, still works too, so that we can stay together. I wish she had a clone that I could send to you.

Even though I do not know you, I want to just say that you are a human, my fellow human. Our humanity is only invisible to bigots and the wilfully ignorant. I love you as a sister, and I hope beyond hope that you are not abused again, or killed, due to the disgusting actions of “care” professionals.

I’m sorry I can’t come to the US and look out for you. I’m sorry that you’ve been ignored, dismissed, and abused all over again by the people who were supposed to help.

Please take care.

]]> By: Annafel http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48323 Annafel Sat, 27 Oct 2012 23:52:07 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48323 Whatjustice, I want you to know that I read your comment and I care about you. I am horrified by your descriptions of your treatment by people who volunteer in domestic violence services. Just appalled and heartbroken. That they of all people would fail to recognise your humanity and your need for their help. It's obvious that people without disabilities have a huge problem empathising with people with disabilities. As a person with no disabilities myself, I will continue to bring issues like these statistics to the attention of my friends and acquaintances, and I will argue as passionately as I can to help the ignorant see the humanity of people with disabilities and that there are far more similarities than differences between any two people. I don't know what else I can do, although I am open to suggestions. But Whatjustice, I wanted to tell you that I heard you. I wish you the best, whatever that may look like to you. Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you to s.e. for continuing to fight for more recognition of these issues. Whatjustice, I want you to know that I read your comment and I care about you. I am horrified by your descriptions of your treatment by people who volunteer in domestic violence services. Just appalled and heartbroken. That they of all people would fail to recognise your humanity and your need for their help.

It’s obvious that people without disabilities have a huge problem empathising with people with disabilities. As a person with no disabilities myself, I will continue to bring issues like these statistics to the attention of my friends and acquaintances, and I will argue as passionately as I can to help the ignorant see the humanity of people with disabilities and that there are far more similarities than differences between any two people.

I don’t know what else I can do, although I am open to suggestions. But Whatjustice, I wanted to tell you that I heard you. I wish you the best, whatever that may look like to you. Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you to s.e. for continuing to fight for more recognition of these issues.

]]> By: whatjustice http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48317 whatjustice Wed, 24 Oct 2012 11:02:01 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48317 I am a severely disabled woman whose husband is her caregiver: I have been homebound for about five years and unable to maintain an upright posture because of heart issues for two of those. I was, in college, a passionate advocate for violence against women, safe spaces, shelters, etc. When my husband broke my skull last summer by punching me in a fit of rage, I dutifully called a women's crisis line and asked to go to a shelter. I never expected what came next. They could not house me. I would not be able to stay in bed. My acute sensitivities to noise and sound could not be accommodated at any battered women's shelters near my very coastal large city. When I described how much care I relied on my husband for, the DV counselors and social workers I talked to (at the hospital, on the phone, in person) told me that there was no way it could be duplicated on short notice, there was no way for me to leave in an emergency. They praised how much work my husband, who had just fractured my skull, put into caring for me on a daily basis and told me to reconsider leaving. "Caregivers are under stress." One DV counselor, when she learned that my husband occasionally emptied my bed pan, said that she did not think she could do that if her partner became so ill and called my husband a saint. She said that to me while I sat there with a black eye. I begged for them to find some safe house or shelter for me, so I could go on Medicaid and become eligible for nursing home placement. There was nothing - I was told that I would be a liability because they could not accomodate my disability and their space might cause me to fall or have a heart event. DV counselors tried to reassure me that my husband "went beyond" his duty in our day to day life and had never hit me before, that I really didn't need to leave or be afraid. Would they have told any other woman those things? That, say, being a new parent is stressful? That your husband is usually a nice guy and has just cracked your skull once and you shouldn't freak out? That your abusive husband is a saint because he provides for you? It was then that I realized I was not a woman first to them - they could empathize more with my husband and the perceived difficulty of caring for a severely disabled person than they could empathize with me, a battered woman in this context. Indeed, when my husband talked to the DV crisis line and begged them to help me find shelter they told him (on speaker phone), "She doesn't have a lot of options with being an invalid. We don't have services for that. She just has to learn to forgive you. You sound like a great guy." Again, any other woman? I was not able to leave and I wanted to. All the reporting to various agencies and attempted intervention in the world brought me to a dead end -- and I live in one of the biggest cities in the US, which is rich in social services. I was so terrified. My husband went to therapy and he has not hit me again. I was very fearful that the abuse would escalate into my death for awhile - any blow to the chest is potentially fatal for me because of my heart condition. It did not happen yet. I know, though, that there is no safety net for me. If my husband becomes violent again, I will be in that same place. I have not considered myself a feminist ever again. I have no illusion of safety or that my sisters can help me. Several people in my life (family and friends) offered to give me shelter and backed out, due to fear that my disability & presence would be a burden on their home lives. The outrage about this news story tweaks me a lot. If my husband does kill me, it will be the most predictable thing in the world. I have been sounding alarms for years. I have reported it to Adult Protective Services for years. My doctors have, too. The outrage wants to pretend that this sort of thing is rare and that this is a limit case we can tie up to prevent ever happening again. This the lived reality of disabled people. When I really wanted to leave after being beaten, one doctor warned me that because of rampant and constant institutional sexual abuse at state Medicaid nursing homes, I might be making the best choice to stay with the devil I knew. That's not an unreasonable thing to consider in decision making: there are no good options. Obviously, the publicized rape appeal is a terrible miscarriage of justice. But what about the fact that 85% of women with disabilities are victims of domestic violence? That is a structural problem, not an outlying case. I am a severely disabled woman whose husband is her caregiver: I have been homebound for about five years and unable to maintain an upright posture because of heart issues for two of those. I was, in college, a passionate advocate for violence against women, safe spaces, shelters, etc. When my husband broke my skull last summer by punching me in a fit of rage, I dutifully called a women’s crisis line and asked to go to a shelter. I never expected what came next. They could not house me. I would not be able to stay in bed. My acute sensitivities to noise and sound could not be accommodated at any battered women’s shelters near my very coastal large city. When I described how much care I relied on my husband for, the DV counselors and social workers I talked to (at the hospital, on the phone, in person) told me that there was no way it could be duplicated on short notice, there was no way for me to leave in an emergency. They praised how much work my husband, who had just fractured my skull, put into caring for me on a daily basis and told me to reconsider leaving. “Caregivers are under stress.” One DV counselor, when she learned that my husband occasionally emptied my bed pan, said that she did not think she could do that if her partner became so ill and called my husband a saint. She said that to me while I sat there with a black eye. I begged for them to find some safe house or shelter for me, so I could go on Medicaid and become eligible for nursing home placement. There was nothing – I was told that I would be a liability because they could not accomodate my disability and their space might cause me to fall or have a heart event. DV counselors tried to reassure me that my husband “went beyond” his duty in our day to day life and had never hit me before, that I really didn’t need to leave or be afraid.

Would they have told any other woman those things? That, say, being a new parent is stressful? That your husband is usually a nice guy and has just cracked your skull once and you shouldn’t freak out? That your abusive husband is a saint because he provides for you? It was then that I realized I was not a woman first to them – they could empathize more with my husband and the perceived difficulty of caring for a severely disabled person than they could empathize with me, a battered woman in this context. Indeed, when my husband talked to the DV crisis line and begged them to help me find shelter they told him (on speaker phone), “She doesn’t have a lot of options with being an invalid. We don’t have services for that. She just has to learn to forgive you. You sound like a great guy.” Again, any other woman?

I was not able to leave and I wanted to. All the reporting to various agencies and attempted intervention in the world brought me to a dead end — and I live in one of the biggest cities in the US, which is rich in social services. I was so terrified. My husband went to therapy and he has not hit me again. I was very fearful that the abuse would escalate into my death for awhile – any blow to the chest is potentially fatal for me because of my heart condition. It did not happen yet. I know, though, that there is no safety net for me. If my husband becomes violent again, I will be in that same place. I have not considered myself a feminist ever again. I have no illusion of safety or that my sisters can help me. Several people in my life (family and friends) offered to give me shelter and backed out, due to fear that my disability & presence would be a burden on their home lives.

The outrage about this news story tweaks me a lot. If my husband does kill me, it will be the most predictable thing in the world. I have been sounding alarms for years. I have reported it to Adult Protective Services for years. My doctors have, too. The outrage wants to pretend that this sort of thing is rare and that this is a limit case we can tie up to prevent ever happening again. This the lived reality of disabled people. When I really wanted to leave after being beaten, one doctor warned me that because of rampant and constant institutional sexual abuse at state Medicaid nursing homes, I might be making the best choice to stay with the devil I knew. That’s not an unreasonable thing to consider in decision making: there are no good options. Obviously, the publicized rape appeal is a terrible miscarriage of justice. But what about the fact that 85% of women with disabilities are victims of domestic violence? That is a structural problem, not an outlying case.

]]> By: k http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48301 k Fri, 19 Oct 2012 12:59:50 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48301 Thank you, s.e. There really are no words for this horrifying epidemic of abuse. Thank you, s.e.

There really are no words for this horrifying epidemic of abuse.

]]> By: Jen http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48292 Jen Tue, 16 Oct 2012 19:32:58 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48292 I work 1:1 with a student who has a disability in a public high school, and these things weigh heavily on my mind. I am constantly disappointed in the triage mentality of public education, and as our economy has stalled and education funding is slashed, much of it gets cut from Special Ed due to the fact typically-abled admins feel that SpEd gets "too much $" per capita in relation to GenEd. Also, I apologize for the rangy tangent, let me bring it full circle. One of the students I work with is routinely sent to school in low cut tops, and due to her disability, spends most of her day leaned over inher wheelchair. No matter what I said, her parents would continually send her to school with cleavage exposed until I started taking pics with my smart phone, sending them to parents with the caption, "this is what the teenage boys are looking at today," and yet without constant reinforcement of this type, she still gets sent to school exposed. I need to start appendeding sexual assault statistics to those photos. :/ I work 1:1 with a student who has a disability in a public high school, and these things weigh heavily on my mind. I am constantly disappointed in the triage mentality of public education, and as our economy has stalled and education funding is slashed, much of it gets cut from Special Ed due to the fact typically-abled admins feel that SpEd gets “too much $” per capita in relation to GenEd.

Also, I apologize for the rangy tangent, let me bring it full circle. One of the students I work with is routinely sent to school in low cut tops, and due to her disability, spends most of her day leaned over inher wheelchair. No matter what I said, her parents would continually send her to school with cleavage exposed until I started taking pics with my smart phone, sending them to parents with the caption, “this is what the teenage boys are looking at today,” and yet without constant reinforcement of this type, she still gets sent to school exposed.

I need to start appendeding sexual assault statistics to those photos. :/

]]> By: misspiggy http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48287 misspiggy Mon, 15 Oct 2012 14:40:14 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48287 Thank you for this. Why are these figures not known? Because few people have really wanted to do anything about them. However, sometimes there is a public moment where people see their own society with new eyes. The Jimmy Savile furore in the UK is opening up a lot of soul searching about how people in hospitals and similar institutions are routinely abused. You never know, some positive change may come out of it. Thank you for this. Why are these figures not known? Because few people have really wanted to do anything about them.

However, sometimes there is a public moment where people see their own society with new eyes. The Jimmy Savile furore in the UK is opening up a lot of soul searching about how people in hospitals and similar institutions are routinely abused. You never know, some positive change may come out of it.

]]> By: Earswithfeet http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48285 Earswithfeet Fri, 12 Oct 2012 15:29:36 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48285 Thank you for writing this. Unless you have a disability or are close to someone with a disability, the incredibly high rates of sexual assault of people with disability are not widely known. Thank you for writing this. Unless you have a disability or are close to someone with a disability, the incredibly high rates of sexual assault of people with disability are not widely known.

]]> By: Shannon Drury http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48284 Shannon Drury Fri, 12 Oct 2012 14:12:05 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48284 As a pretty boring mainstream feminist, I thank you for this post, because it's absolutely true that I need to learn more about this issue. I had NO IDEA about the statistics that you quote, NONE. I will definitely repost this. Thanks again. As a pretty boring mainstream feminist, I thank you for this post, because it’s absolutely true that I need to learn more about this issue. I had NO IDEA about the statistics that you quote, NONE. I will definitely repost this. Thanks again.

]]> By: Tamarind http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48283 Tamarind Fri, 12 Oct 2012 02:47:12 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48283 For what it's worth I am outraged by this. I usually don't comment when I feel there's nothing I can add. Thanks to s.e. smith for raising this issue. For what it’s worth I am outraged by this. I usually don’t comment when I feel there’s nothing I can add. Thanks to s.e. smith for raising this issue.

]]> By: Sara http://tigerbeatdown.com/2012/10/08/rape-and-selective-outrage-in-the-feminist-community/comment-page-1/#comment-48282 Sara Thu, 11 Oct 2012 23:33:01 +0000 http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=4899#comment-48282 Hi everyone! I just stumbled upon this blog and YES to everything about this. I am a long-time feminist and recently diagnosed autistic woman. I am so, so thrilled to find someone speaking from AND about the intersection of disability and feminism!!! It's sure as hell not the popular topic I naively thought it would be. And the lack of outrage!!! NYM mentioned that there aren't any safe blog/discussion places in this vein. I haven't found any either. If anyone knows one, could you point me that way? Thank you for this. For having the guts to speak up. Hi everyone! I just stumbled upon this blog and YES to everything about this. I am a long-time feminist and recently diagnosed autistic woman. I am so, so thrilled to find someone speaking from AND about the intersection of disability and feminism!!! It’s sure as hell not the popular topic I naively thought it would be. And the lack of outrage!!!

NYM mentioned that there aren’t any safe blog/discussion places in this vein. I haven’t found any either. If anyone knows one, could you point me that way?

Thank you for this. For having the guts to speak up.

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