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Hey! Want To Hear About Jean Claude Van Damme’s Liquid Creamy Seed?

Well, TOO LATE. The attractively-named Sarah Ball of Newsweek has the goods for you. Mr. Van Damme begins:

I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.

It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.

Well, who wouldn’t? Sara (or, in compromised versions, Sarah) is, as we all know, a very attractive name. It can survive almost anything! Few men are indifferent to its powers. Anyway, there’s more:

So are you in New York?

Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?

I m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?

I don t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?

You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

Sarah Ball’s answer is not on record. At any rate, I think we can safely say one thing: DAMN YOU, SARAH BALL! He was supposed to be mine. It appears that my dreams of a honeymoon spent tenderly kickboxing were for naught.

Ah, well, Jean Claude. We’ll always have the dance, you and I.