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GREAT MOMENTS IN SMACK TALK Presents: I Say, Your Vagina Smells Atrocious!

FAIR WARNING: This post is dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. If your best interests are served by not reading my tasteless jokes about oral sex (ha, tasteless), or if you feel that hearing my thoughts on these matters could well scar you for life, please feel free to skip it. This will soon be followed by a post on very serious matters, such as the economy, or stabbings.

Via Renee, via the Guardian:

Napoli [football] president Aurelio De Laurentiis says English women ‘do not wash their genitalia’. De Laurentiis was reacting to four Napoli players being linked with moves to England. ‘If these players piss me off then, OK, they can piss off to England. But they need to understand this: the English live badly, eat badly and their women do not wash their genitalia. To them, a bidet is a mystery.’

Now, a bidet is a mystery to me too, mostly because I don’t understand how squirting water up your cha-cha is supposed to make it cleaner than, I don’t know, taking a bath might, but a greater mystery than that is this: why are girls the only gender whose genital stink is ever discussed?

I mean, if you were ever in high school, you remember this: girls are supposed to smell and taste like seafood, and boys were supposed to be so grossed out about this that they would actually brag about not giving head. As they grew up, they began to realize that they had better stop badmouthing vaginas, and start, you know, mouthing* them, if they wanted to get dates. So, then followed Freshman Year, during which every boy on my college campus bragged about how much he liked to give head – it was the best! it was their favorite! few guys liked to give head as much as they! was what they all said – and rather spectacularly failed to follow through on those few occasions when girls actually did call their various bluffs. OR SO I HAVE HEARD. This is not the point! The point is this: I think there are so many discussions of and “remedies” for female genital smell because dudes run the world, and most (straight) dudes have NO IDEA WHAT THEY SMELL OR TASTE LIKE in that region. Because I can assure you, boys, it’s not any less offensive than what we’re dishing out. Here, for the record, is how I would simulate the flavor:

  1. Get some very earthy mushrooms, such as Shiitake, and put them in a bowl.
  2. Sprinkle generously with cumin.
  3. Cover with Saran Wrap, and put in a warm, damp place, such as a moldy basement storage room with a strong steam heater.
  4. Go lick a dude’s balls.

There! Smelly vaginas don’t seem that bad now, do they?

Yes, as Renee points out, it is a little obnoxious that Aurelio needs to insult women in order to insult men. (“You will soon miss the high-quality vaginas of our homeland!”) Yet, ultimately, on the dual fronts of Italian ball-licking and British vagina smell, I’m forced to acknowledge that maybe I just don’t understand sports. For example:

In April ex-Juve general manager Luciano Moggi told Italian TV there are ‘no gays in football’. ‘A gay cannot play football, obviously. How could players stand naked under the showers if one was a gay? I would never sign a gay.’

This is the stirring conclusion to a news flash which begins:

Unnamed Serie C player tells Italian TV that he regularly gets paid for sex by Serie A players. ‘I get €1,500 each time. They enjoy my discretion: they have clean images so can never admit they’re gay. But I am discreet: they like me. I’ve had at least a dozen from Serie A, some from the national team, and sometimes several of them at once.’

Ha ha, Luciano Moggi is a bigot, and is therefore doomed to have his name forever associated with pro soccer gang bangs, as in “this most recent pro soccer gang bang, thought to be one of the biggest gang bangs in professional soccer, inevitably brought to mind Luciano Moggi.” More importantly, however: I’ll bet Unnamed Serie C player knows what I’m saying about the mushrooms. After a dude’s been competing in the World Cup, that shit has got to be RIPE.

*What is this, Sex & the City? “I had to wonder: should I stop bad-mouthing vaginas and start mouthing them?” I KNOW, I KNOW, I’ll stop.


  1. James wrote:

    Two things:

    At the high school my dad taught at, in the P.E. coach’s office in the gym, there was a bumper sticker that read “Being a coach is like licking an ashtray.” Underneath this, someone had written on the sticker “Being a P.E. coach is like sucking a jock strap.” Zing! (The sticker was up for at least five years.)

    And, at the risk of only presenting another of the “various bluffs” you refer to, I offer you Andre Williams singing the most memorable work by a male about the female genetalia since Citizen Kane.

    Okay, I’ll go back in my hole.

    Monday, December 15, 2008 at 5:05 pm | Permalink
  2. Sady wrote:

    Pussy does, in fact, share many qualities with marijuana. For example, it is illegal in most states, in spite of the fact that 42% of Americans have tried pussy at least once, and pussy has been found to have many medicinal qualities!

    Oh,no, wait, that’s not true. The only things that pussy and pot have in common are that (a) they’re a little stinky, (b) people who like them tend to love them, and (c) it’s legal to sell both of them in the Netherlands.

    Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 9:45 am | Permalink