Yes, I know.
I know.
Someday – maybe someday very soon! – there will be actual posts on Tiger Beatdown again. I promise you this much. What they will look like, whether you will like them, whether any of them will bring the many fans of Taylor Swift to my doorstep, equipped with paper bags full of poop and butane lighters and rage… these things, I do not know. But someday, someday soon, I will post on Tiger Beatdown again.
Not for a while, though. Not regularly, at least not for the next month. I’m going on semi-hiatus.
There are a few reasons why I have to do this. I’m hesitant to tell you all of them. Which is, in a sense, a major part of the problem. But, let’s start with Reason #1, the simplest and least embarrassing and most bloggable of reasons, which is:
I’M BUSY.
I’ve been doing things for other people, typically not short things. I am basically working every day of the week. And, since Tiger Beatdown is the one area of my life in which no-one will be disappointed or mad at me (or at least not disappointed or mad in that “you’re fired and also I told all my friends you are the worst person in the world to hire and also I went and spoke to the people at the Dunkin’ Donuts and the H&M and the McDonald’s and the volunteer used bookstore where they don’t even pay their employees and they all said they weren’t even interested in hiring you in the first place but NOW THEY COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE PERSUADED TO CONSIDER IT” way) if I don’t post, it gets kind of shafted. Which is sad, since – as commenters have wisely pointed out – I’m sort of a guest at a party when I post elsewhere, and obeying all the Emily Post rules of etiquette and what have you, and this is more like my living room, where I can just hang out. But I’m never on my living room couch any more. I mean, not metaphorically. I mean, literally, I am on my living room couch a lot. I mean:
LIFE IS HARD.
This is the part I didn’t want to tell you about. Life is hard these days. I could cite contributing factors, but that would sound like whining. Mostly because I would be whining! But there was a really amazing post on Feministe, about vulnerability, a while back, and I keep coming back to it for what are fairly obvious reasons:
Social justice is about theories and ideas underpinning our actions, but if those theories and ideas are to mean anything, they have to be grounded in our real lives. They have to pay attention to what happens to us, and what can hurt us… A functional movement isn’t one like the one we have, where people burn out and drop out and vanish because it’s all too much and they aren’t being supported and they just can’t take it any more, where everything we do is met with all of us tearing each other apart and always always always going for the throat until we stop being people to each other and start being…adversaries? interlocutors? enemies? objects? Have you noticed who suffers when we build a movement premised on never admitting that we can hurt each other, on never admitting that we’re tired and limited and human and just aren’t up for it today? Who stops making blog posts, who stops showing up to meetings and town halls and community projects, stops putting their work out there and speaking openly and honestly? Who stops making friends? Who stops taking risks? Have you noticed what happens in a world where we do this?
Here’s the thing: I write this blog because the things that scare me most – things that are scary and wrong and painful – are a compelling force in my life. For some reason, instead of staying away from them, I want to chase down all that stuff and look at it and argue with it. But what this requires me to do is to look at the scary painful wrong shit every day. And after a while, it becomes overwhelming. After a while, the people you’ve been calling out on their sexism are still sexist, and the world is still what it is, and you’ve written one too many posts with headlines like, “Rape: It Is A Big Deal, Actually,” or, “Beating Your Wife: An Inadvisable Course of Action,” or, “Seriously: Can We Just Say That Rape Is A Big Deal And Stop Acting All Sophisticated And Chill About It, Because It Is A Big Deal, Actually” and you start to feel that if you had any power and could do any good then… well, the world would be better. So that’s one part.
Which is naive. If you were going to change the world in the first place, you’d need something bigger and more impressive than blog posts. But there are moments where I can’t look at the bad stuff and remain calm about it any more, where I get burnt out and fundamentally pessimistic. And, speaking of change: there are a lot of immediate, unpleasant things going on right now in my own personal life. I don’t feel good any more. I’m really sad and anxious a lot of the time. I don’t feel like I know where I’m going to be next week, or next month, or next year; I don’t trust that it is going to be a happy place. And all of that means that the chirpy funny friendly Tiger Beatdown voice is not as accessible as it used to be. And Feminism actually isn’t the answer to most of the questions that I’m dealing with right now. I wish it were! I wish it answered everything! But it doesn’t! The point of this – which does, as I feared, sound like whining – is that, when I think about scary and hurtful things, I don’t necessarily go right to the Bigger Social Issues any more. I go to me. And that’s not something I’m comfortable with writing about here. Speaking of:
I’M NOT SURE ABOUT TIGER BEATDOWN
I really like having a blog. My blog is a happy place. But I need to think about the whole project of this site. Neither the blog nor its focus hold the shine for me that they once did. Not because I’m any less passionate about it, but because it’s familiar. Tiger Beatdown is a year old now, did you know that? It is even older than a year! And if you read the archives you will find a portrait of me falling desperately in love with a subject, pursuing it obsessively, testing myself, going deeper, working for new insights, and then… well, and then what? I’m not saying that I’m never wrong; in point of fact, I have serious issues with much of what I have written over this last year. I’m saying I miss being in that place where being wrong always felt like an option, an acceptable option, because I was learning. The problem, I think, is that I believe I know what I am talking about now, and am talking about it more to share thoughts that are already formed than to work out new ideas. And I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like repeating myself. I’m actually doing this thing, now, on Tiger Beatdown, where I talk against myself – take things I thought I was certain of, and see if I can poke any holes in them – and while that’s annoying to witness, and makes me look like some wacky “post-feminist” person at times, it’s at least a quest for the new. I don’t want to know what to expect from myself. I want to go forward, into another place, a place where I might actually find some new idea to fall in love with. I want to be passionate about Tiger Beatdown again. But I need to figure out how.
44 Comments
oh, sady. i am sending mental hugs your way, if you like them. it is exhausting to be surrounded by the world sometimes. i love tiger beatdown, but as i always say to liss at shakesville when she gets burned out and frustrated, the main thing is for you to be well with yourself and the world. i hope you have the time to sort out your thoughts and work out anything you need to work out. i’ve adored tiger beatdown and hope you keep writing it, selfishly, for my sake, but i hope more that you are better soon. take care of yourself – i’ll definitely make a point to find what you’re writing elsewhere, no matter what!
oh, Sady, I wish I could buy you coffee sometime! I was just thinking about Tiger Beatdown (the blog), and how you haven’t updated it a while. I do read your guest post at Bitch, but the truth is that I don’t follow pop music at all. So when you write about Taylor Swif, I only have a vague idea of who she is (no idea who Katy Perry is, though). I feel a little bit left out on the jokes.
I totally understand your feelings about burning out and wanting to seek something different in terms of your blog. We all have confidence in your skills, and whatever you end up choosing, a legion of Tiger Beatdown comrades will follow.
Best wishes. 🙂
Sady, I too send you hugs, or your favorite baked good, whichever you think is more appropriate for the moment.
Suffice to say that I too will follow you wherever you head…you have been and remain an inspiration in my own writing and learning. Feel better when you can and I hope things take an upturn.
While I would like to see more of your posts, and miss your writing here at TB, I totally understand. Also I am sincerely sorry that your personal life is unsatisfying, or miserable, or whatever the adjective is, and hope that things improve for you soon, in whatever way and to whatever degree things need to improve.
It would be helpful if you put short little posts here to point to your writing elsewhere (like you did for the Bitch pop-music stuff), because that saves me the trouble of having to track it down myself — I can just keep monitoring the feed for TB and know about stuff when it happens — but there’s no particular reason for you to go to any extra effort for me, if that’s inconvenient or whatever. (I also follow you on Twitter, if Twitter is a more convenient way to announce such things.)
In conclusion, you are awesome. Do what you have to do, and I will cope.
I’ve been amazed at how quickly you’ve risen to multiblogular prominence, to be honest, and while I love reading your work wherever it may be published, I can definitely understand how you might feel like you’re courting burnout. Take care of yourself.
Not that you don’t know this, but sometimes Social Justice and Feminism (with Significant Capitals) just aren’t the most important things in a person’s life. Feeling like a functional human being is kind of a prerequisite to theorizing, and doing so while feeling shitty is, um, shitty.
I thought I had a point, anyway. Best wishes to you in whatever you end up doing. Whatever it turns out to be, I am fairly certain it will be fantastic.
Oh Sady.
Now’s the time when I want to tell you that it will all turn out OK, which I know isn’t automatic, or true in the limit case, and I can’t knwo what’s going on with you, but it is probably true that enough things will turn out OK that it will be OK.
And if there’s anything we can do to put our thumbs on that particular scale, let us know.
please don’t stop. you can’t. we can’t.
I have just gone out and recommended this blog to everyone who would hold still long enough to listen to me. The archives should hold them for a while so no pressure.
But I do want to say, if you aren’t getting enough feedback from unbiased strangers who aren’t actively involved in your community or life, this is a meaningful and engaging blog. It kind of knocked me out of a 7 year long stint of complacency. I followed a link one day and I read the review of observe and report and it turned into reading all the archives. You articulate points with a clarity I simply can’t find anywhere else. So if you need a break, go for it, but please don’t doubt that what you’re writing reaches other people poignantly. I would never have described myself as feminist before reading this site and now I’m trying to become truly informed on what feminism really is. I hope you return to this or at least post your upcoming work soon.
I am sorry to hear that things aren’t good for you.
You are a really good writer with a great voice. I enjoy reading your take on a whole range of issues. I would love it if you returned and wrote more.
But you know what? You don’t owe any of us. You have to look after yourself. As you say, it’s easy to burn out when you try to fight the patriarchy while having to live within it every day. It’s tiring and hard and when you are not in a good place, it must be overwhelming. Please take care of yourself and give yourself what you need. I hope it all gets better for you soon. I (and your many other readers, I’m sure) wish you nothing but good things.
Dear Sady,
everyone above has already said it better than I could. Please take care of yourself. And please know that you have already done a world of good with your blog and your columns!
Just wanted to say that Tiger Beatdown has inspired me to come out of “safe” territory as a female geek blogger and be vigilant about calling sexism out when I see it. It’s SO scary, and I’m still freaked out for a while every time I post, but it feels good, and a lot of people seem to be interested in joining the discussion.
So basically: You’re awesome, and you’ve done a good thing. I can’t wait to see what you do next, no matter what the subject matter (hint: If you write a book, I will buy it the second it comes out).
Whenever anybody asks me how work/life/everything is these days, I tell them, “Full of spiders. Spider eggs, hatching everywhere.” That’s kind of what it feels like. I reach some general point of stasis, I think, “I can handle this,” and then I walk into my boss’ office and hear some heinous shit and it’s like I just sat in a bunch of spider eggs.
My mom is a very helpful person when I am falling apart. I call her, and she refuses to give me advice. She’s the most 12-steppy person I know, and she really believes (and has worked hard to accept) that wherever a person is, whatever they are doing, that’s where they need to be. However she feels about where they are doesn’t matter so much, because she’s got no right to assume she knows what another person needs better than they do.
So instead of giving me advice, she tells me that she knows I am a smart and strong and beautiful person, that she loves me unconditionally, and she has faith in my knowledge of myself and where I need to be. She tells me that whatever I am doing, it is the right thing, for me, I don’t have to justify myself to anybody, and anybody who wants a justification is telling me something about themselves, and not about me.
I was going to come here and give you some advice, like, tell you all the stuff I do when I am in a bad place, which it seems like I’ve been in for a year and a half now and goddammit when is it ever going to stop. But I am sure you’ve got your own things you do, and they work for you, and you don’t need advice, and I don’t need to give it. And I am not your mom so I can’t genuinely tell you that I love you unconditionally. But you are smart and you are strong and you are an envy-producing writer, and sometimes you just leak awesomeness from the pores, and the times when you do not, I don’t think it’s because the awesomeness isn’t still there; I think it’s because your current surroundings don’t deserve to have it.
Tiger Beatdown is just about the coolest, but you’ll take that coolness wherever you go from here. I like knowing, even if Tiger Beatdown stops existing, that Sady is out there carrying around some awesomeness that can’t help but explode outwards sometimes.
Nothing stays the same, and not even the worst thing can go on forever. Someday it will be different. Which is what I keep telling myself, but it doesn’t help much right now. Right now, I get myself twisted up in knots about how I’m not the person I want to be. I’m a person who seems to withdraw into an ever-deepening shell, a person who doesn’t have fun anymore, a person who complains a lot. Then I remember to cut myself some slack, and that all those things are actually really good signs of my health, and my ability to accurately assess the world around me right now. So, however you cope with the worst things going on right now, you’re doing it right. You’re doing a good job.
Take all the time you need. When/if you decide to come back, I’ll still be reading.
Thank you for taking the time and effort to explain where you’re at. You don’t owe that to us (or anyone) but it is appreciated.
I send you warm thoughts and wishes that things develop in whatever way you want them to, and thank you for all the awesomeness you have leaked (per Harriet, above) to date.
I’m not going anywhere.
^
What they all said. You’re awesome, and this blog is awesome, but of the two, you are the important one.
I think you are a gifted writer — educated and bitingly funny — and I would enjoy reading your work on any topic in which you found yourself interested. So I very much hope that you will continue writing and let us know where we can find you, whether or not you continue this particular blog.
I am a better informed person because of this blog, and I give you thanks for that, Sady. I hope that things chill out for you soon. If you’re publishing elsewhere, I would love to know that, as you are one of my favorite writers on the interbunny.
Bright blessings to you, and I hope things settle down for you soon. 🙂
There was a time in college when I put the kibosh on any more feminist art history classes because the stuff about the gaze was making me so freaking self-conscious, and I was already an anxiety-prone specimen. Now that I’m older, though, what feminism does instead is give me a sense of peace to know that I’m part of a community of people interrogating the fucked up shit we’re barraged with. It’s the psychological consistency that counts, for me- just the aspiring to be true to a single set of ideals instead of jumping around to virgin, whore, and mother-figure, the way our larger culture would have me do. I think there are core principles to feminism that do extend out beyond how women are treated and are just fucking better ways to live life. So thanks for the community-building you’ve done here, and for your ferocious cutting-through-of-bullshit. Take fine and excellent care. Life does kind of suck some time.
PLEASE NEVER STOP TIGER BEATDOWN! Won’t you PLEASE think of the children??!?!?!
its seriously always the highlight of my day when you post. mostly because it almost feels like I am interacting with you haha (that sounds creepy)
I feel like my life is falling apart so, lets get together next week eat the shit out of some sushi and talk about where our lives are going (SPOILER: You – someplace, Me – nowhere)and you can mix some drinks. It needs to happen.
Sady is the best. Pass it on.
Personally, I’m just as attracted to your wit and writing style, as I am your chosen subject matter. So, I would be perfectly happy if you decided to take a break from the “heavy” content, and discuss something you find to be less stressful and more fun.
Take care of yourself.
Hey, I’ve been struggling with many of the same feelings (I don’t think feminism is the answer, no, but isn’t it strange how many twentysomething girls feel anxious and stressed and lost?) and as my mom (who fights so hard for the things she believes in) put it: you have to put yourself first, or there’ll be nothing left to fight for. Don’t stop doing the right thing, but build yourself the mental place you need to tackle the things you want to tackle.
She says it better than I do. Take care of yourself, we’ll be here.
Hell no, we won’t go!
But seriously, Sady, I wish you well with your personal situation, and hope that you figure out what you want and need with Tiger Beatdown. I suspect that every feminist blogger at some point gets a case “WTF am I doing, why do I even bother.”
Your Tiger Beatdown voice is important, and I hope you are able to access it again. Even if you feel like you echo the same sentiments, I think it’s still important to beat things down, like the idea that Rape Is Funny for instance, when they so consistently reappear in pop culture. The world may be what it is anyway. But a world without our voices is a world that is much scarier.
I don’t think we can ever know the full extent of the effect our words have on other people. Even if you can’t always see it, someone, somewhere has been inspired by you. Someone, somewhere has at least thought twice about the comedic genius of Seth Rogen.
May the muse be with you.
Sady, please take care of yourself. I am a big fan of Tiger Beatdown, but I’m a bigger fan of you doing what is right for you.
I’m so sorry you are going through a rough time. Take care of yourself.
Also, don’t underestimate the power of your blog! This is your space and you ARE making a difference, even though the world seems to be right where you left it after you post. You’ve inspired me a lot, to challenge my own thinking and to have the strength to challenge others. I can see from the comments here I’m not the only one. I admire you very much and I hope you’ll be ok.
Sady,
today we had sexual assault training. the whole time the wad sitting next to me kept leaning over and making little comments about how dumb the class was, how stupid it was that we were there, etc. He was a total stranger, and he was using this assault training as basically a pick-up venue. finally he leaned into me and said “man, this almost makes me regret having a penis” and I said “would you just SHUT UP”. i said it so loud that the entire room turned around and he turned beet red and just stared at his boots for the rest of the class
what the hell am i jabbering on about?
you gave me that. you gave me the conviction to say that i don’t have to put up with the petty military bull shit. i don’t have to let men get away with slimy comments just because i’m one of only two girls at my workplace. you confirmed for me that while sexism is very common, it’s also unacceptable.
so, whether you continue writing or stop writing or go become some kind of basket weaver on the shores of a beach somewhere…you have most certainly permanently changed my life.
Long time reader, first time caller – Sady, I love your writing and I’m sorry things aren’t going so well for you right now. Please take care of yourself.
your voice is amazing, you know. and it’s totally selfish of me to want you to continue just so i can read and read and read and read more and more and more of what your write.
i’ll be first in line at your book signing. when your book comes out.
you are a truly unique voice in the venue of feminist writing.
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. You’ve been doing awesome things with Tiger Beatdown and elsewhere, and I can’t wait to see what you do next, but obviously what I actually mean is that I CAN wait, and so can the rest of the internet.
Dude, the world is sort of terrible, and it’s important to combat terribleness, but don’t forget to do things in the service of your own happiness when you can. You are young and you should be living.
You’re funny and a great writer. I hope you will keep writing, regardless of subject matter. I really enjoy reading your work.
And I’ll send positive vibes your way that the hard stuff becomes less hard; it may not help, but at least I can try. 🙂
*Big hugs*, if you take them.
On the one hand, your writing makes a big difference to a lot of people. On the other, like when you’re on a plane, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before trying to help others. Take care of yourself Sady, and I’ll be watching and waiting to see what awesomeness you come up with next, should the next awesomeness be something that can be accessed via the intertoobes.
Love the blog, and I’ll read you wherever you are writing.
Uncertainty is such a writing-inhibitor, so I completely sympathize, and it only makes sense to take a break from your unpaid work if you feel like it’s all getting you down.
I hear you on the overwhelmed thing and I wish I could help you make it better. Do what you need to do for you.
Even if there is never ever another Tiger Beat Down post, I will still continue to read your BSG post like twice a day and laugh and laugh.
Your archives already stand as an amazing achievement – you’ve given all of us so, so much. Take something for yourself!
Even as a new reader, I’d be pretty sad to see this place go. But you can’t force passion. And I hope that in whatever you end up doing, you’re filled to the brim with it.
Hi, Sady!
Your writing is awesome, and I love the little gifts you give us by publishing here. Even better, you’ve helped fire up my interest in these topics again. Your ability to be simultaneously ardent and self-questioning has given me a shot of both. Reading your blog has made me a better person and a better feminist. Which is, in the end, the same thing.
So: I appreciate what you’ve done, and want you to appreciate what your blogular presents have done for us. But god yes, take all the breaks you need. And change the content to whatever you need. You should feel no obligation as to posting volume or consistency. There is enough internet elsewhere to keep us entertained while you do what you need to do.
But, but I just found you! Damn it, I’m always late to all the cool parties. Good thing there are archives. Don’t mind me, I’ll just be arguing with 2008 over in the corner.
Blogs aren’t changing the world, blogs are changing journalism. And the more blogs try to change the world, the more they end up imitating it in my view. Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss. Its hard to let go of successful things, until you realize they are that old ball of chain in disguise!
Oh, Sady, I hope you understand the world of good that you and this blog have done. You might not see it but your impact on all our lifes has been masive and positiv.
I am a different, stronger person now than I was last year and I owe a lot of that to you. I call people out on their shit now instead of just swallowing it, I don’t fall apart as much, I feel hope that I didn’t feel before. I can look at the scary scary stuff and decide to point at it and lauge instead of hideing and crying.
I know I’m not alone in this. The world is better because you’re in it.
And whatever you decide to do I wish you the best and thank you for all that you have done. I hope you will find that happy place again and I will read wherever you post because I love your writing and I will miss tigerbeatdown if you decide to leave it.
Hugs and tiny fuzzy kittens purring
The sun is dying, and I think we’re already dead. The earth is dead, she is still beneath us. She used to be crying, but now we hear nothing.
We are too lost in our own little grids, our cartoon stills. We are powerless to change the format of our lives. Meaning eludes us because we have no way of living outside of this three panel strip. Our 3D forms are crushed into caricatures of real people. Stripped of thought and other people, we grasp desperately at anything that reminds us that we are alive.
Food will never give us the nutrients we need, and the fruit from this barren garden is the only thing we will ever eat. The books we swallow whole, the numbers, the letters, the music: they leave us breathing heavily, on the edge of fulfillment.
This life leaves us with nothing but ourselves. And we are not enough.
We have never been enough. We have only taken, only destroyed. And now we are left with this dead thing under us, and we can smell her rotting.
The earth is still, and the sun is dying. And we lay in bed, hands down our pants, eyes shut tight lest we catch a glimpse of what’s outside the window.
sending love.
I’m saying I miss being in that place where being wrong always felt like an option, an acceptable option, because I was learning. The problem, I think, is that I believe I know what I am talking about now, and am talking about it more to share thoughts that are already formed than to work out new ideas. And I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like repeating myself. I’m actually doing this thing, now, on Tiger Beatdown, where I talk against myself – take things I thought I was certain of, and see if I can poke any holes in them – and while that’s annoying to witness, and makes me look like some wacky “post-feminist” person at times, it’s at least a quest for the new.
OMG.
I think you just totally articulated something I was having serious trouble with just last night (which ended in a pretty serious breakdown for me).
Thank you. Also, I love you. No matter what your decision is, I hope we can all still follow you on your exciting intellectual adventures towards social justice.
I’ll add to the chorus: *hugs* Hope the crappy stuff gets sorted out. And also, yes, you are doing important work. I’m enjoying your essays at the Guardian, too. Whether you need to take a break from Tiger Beatdown or you turn it into a new exploration, I wish you luck.
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