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Psychologists, child development specialists, and all concerned with the development of personality, take note: it is twenty-six years later, and I have still not stopped making this face.

Things That Have Cheered Me Up: An Interblog Mixtape, Because I Love You

People! It is February! Do you know what that means? Well, I will tell you what it means around Ye Olde Tyger Beatdowne: it means I am going to be incredibly bummed out for the next twenty-eight days.

Seriously, February: what gives? You are cold, and you are dark, and you have none of the holiday festivities that November or December offer in order to alleviate these conditions. Oh, sure, you have Valentine’s Day, but that’s not a holiday, just a cruel mockery intended to make people wail and rend their flesh if they don’t have dates and if their dates are not the BEST MOST ROMANTICAL THINGS EVER OMG, and if there is one thing you can do to ensure that even existing dates are not romantical, it is to put that kind of pressure on them, so: Valentine’s Day, yeah, sure. Fuck you, Febs. Even January has that shower-fresh Beginning of a New Year feeling – maybe we can start all over, maybe this year will be different – but February, you don’t give us that. You don’t give us anything except the feeling that the year has barely started and it already sucks. People are going crazy in you, February – in my own small social circle alone, I count broken hearts, roommate fights, crumbling friendships, divorces, and one completely baffling overnight engagement to a more or less total stranger – and you know what? These are not crazy people. These are just people who are sick of dealing with you. February. God.

Seriously, I don’t like this month. It bums me out on a very total and all-encompassing level. What does this have to do with anything? Good question! It has to do with Things That Have Cheered Me Up, which I hope to pass on to you, the reader.

#1. I Like Fucking

I finished The Human Stain, by the way. Its reflections on the Lewinsky scandal are quite charming: lots of stuff about the puritans who object to good healthy fucks, which objection is due to their wretched sanctimonious puritan “morality” (it is a testament to Philip Roth that the scare quotes don’t actually need to be on the page, you can just feel them as you read) concluding with a lovely Socratic dialogue in which it is said that Bill Clinton should have anally raped Monica Lewinsky and threatened her family in order to maintain proper “dominance” and keep her from ever telling on him, that dumb bitch. This is the kind of thing that makes it hard for me to be a sex-positive feminist, you guys: yeah, sex is great, don’t fear the sexing, and all that, but when dudes conflate sex with hatred, degradation, and rape? Well, it makes me want to enter a convent. How do you love, how do you ever feel sure that you are loved or can ever be loved, in a world where this kind of thinking is taken seriously, is a more-or-less routine and unquestioned part of the culture, where (as Andrea Dworkin, who was not always wrong, once pointed out) the act of sex is not about sex any more, but “the sexualization of insult?” Oh, but: do you believe there’s anything beyond troll-guy reality? I do, I do, I do.

#2. Win or Die

I like Les Liaisons Dangereuses, on the other hand. It is definitely about using sex as a weapon (which, according to Pat Benatar and/or feminism, we should all stop doing) but it is actually fun, because the women and the men are more or less on equal ground. It’s not about boys fucking over girls, it’s about the Marquise de Merteuil and the Comte de Valmont fucking over everyone, like the fabulous 18th-century French Chuck Basses that they are. Even the book’s few half-assed concessions to conventional morality (Valmont reforms and/or dies, the Marquise gets some hideous disease that makes her face melt off) can’t diminish their sheer levels of awesome. This clip, from the movie, offers the disquieting prospect of Glenn Close and John Malkovich making out with each other while wearing silly wigs, but it also contains a masterful little monologue that begins with “I had no choice” and lands… well, you can probably tell where it lands, for me, but note how it is punctuated with the daintiest, most bad-ass little sips from a teacup that you will ever see:

(Note: “If he wants to tell, he finds that he can’t,” does not, in this context, refer to anal rape! It’s about having something on the dude, which, in this ridiculously over-the-top Gossip-Girlian context, I find totally acceptable for any number of reasons.)

#3. BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE.

Confession: I got ridiculously sentimental while watching Bruce at half-time. Yeah, I know! I saw the crotch shot too! The crotch shot and the creepy soul patch and the weird vaudeville “delay of game” thing, I saw it all. Yet: sentiment is what Bruce is all about. Sentiment and bombast and whether or not the almost-exclusively-white Working Man can get a break (spoiler: he cannot) and also, on my favorite albums, the terror and freedom of driving at night through a town that more or less closes down at ten p.m., nothing to do and not much to expect and no-one else on the road and the creeping feeling that you are going to die there, in that crappy, crappy town, but at least right now the car is moving and the radio is on real loud and you’ve known this song forever and it all feels kind of OK. Bruce didn’t “misjudge” the mood of depressed America. Bruce is the mood of depressed America. People don’t need Nebraska in the middle of a crisis, they need Born to Fucking Run. Or “Badlands.” Lights out tonight, trouble in the heartland, got a head-on collision smashing in my guts, man... oh, dudes, this is such a good song. I believe in the love! That you gave me! I believe in the faith! That can save me! I believe! And I hope! And I pray! That someday it! Will! Raise! Me! BRUUUUUUUUUUUCE.

Why Not?

To me, political lesbianism continues to make intrinsic sense because it reinforces the idea that sexuality is a choice, and we are not destined to a particular fate because of our chromosomes. I also suspect that it is very difficult to spend your daily life fighting against male violence, only to share a bed with a man come the evening. Then there’s the fact that working with women towards a common goal means you develop a strong and passionate bond with them – why some feminists then block out the possibility of sexual relationships with their political sisters and instead turn to men for intimacy is beyond me.

Because “political lesbianism” reinforces the stereotype that women are not sexual; because it encourages straight women to appropriate lesbian experience; because it reinforces the stereotype that lesbians are all “going through a phase” that they can be fucked out of by men; because it encourages straight women to deny themselves a necessary, liberating, and life-affirming form of pleasure; because it inevitably leads to one-sided and sexually catastrophic lesbian relationships; because it prohibits transformative, mutually enlightening, feminist heterosexual relationships; because it blames women who are in abusive, patriarchal straight relationships for their own oppression, because they are “sleeping with the enemy”; because it blames straight women for the existence of rape and domestic violence; because it reinforces the stereotype that women are not sexual, that is, that they do not experience deeply felt sexual needs, that they can and should deny their sexual needs should they somehow arise, and that being a lesbian is not a naturally occurring, pleasurable, inherently worthy kind of female desire but a “lifestyle choice,” which is exactly the point that patriarchal and anti-gay or “ex-gay” movements are making, and because all of the above is anti-queer, anti-woman, and deeply anti-feminist.

That’s why not.

Dear Daily Mail:

Are you fucking kidding me:

We should examine the double standards in operation [regarding female novelists who write about sex]. There’s virtually no market for men to write about Lothario-style conquests.

Nor would they be hailed as freedom fighters if they did dare to write a warts-and-all account of pulling women…

Nor can I imagine a collection of ‘unashamedly sexy stories by your favourite male novelists’.

Yes, Daily Mail, it’s true: women are applauded for writing about sex, in explicit terms, because women’s sexuality is accepted by our society and there is no risk of being publicly shamed or marginalized for expressing it. This is, I regret to say, a clear double standard: if a man wrote explicit sex scenes, he’d be run out of town on a rail. No, there is no way that a man could be considered one of the foremost writers of his time if he dared to write a “warts-and-all” account of sex with a variety of women. It just could not happen. Just look at the filth these young women are producing:

She said nothing then, her lovely mouth otherwise engaged, until he came, all over her face. She had gagged, and moved him outside her lips, rubbing his spurting glans across her cheeks and chin… God, she was antique, but here they were. Her face gleamed with his jism in the spotty light of the motel room, there on the far end of East Beach, within sound of the sea.

Oh. Wait.

Yeah, I’m done with this.

Adventures In Reading: Big Angry Philip Roth Edition

And so it came to pass that, on the thirty-first day of January, in this Year of Our Lord 2009, I did purchase a novel by Philip “Face-Fucker” Roth. You kind of have to know what you’re talking about if you’re talking opposition; even though every single long or short excerpt I have read from P.F.F.R.’s novels has made me go “YAAAAUGH” and want to punch something in the face, maybe a kitten, one needs to know the context, does one not? (One maybe does not; although I’m coming in with an open mind, and the misogyny has been surprisingly light so far, all I have learned from The Human Stain is that it is way more traumatic and horrible to be falsely accused of racism than it is to be affected by actual racism itself, YAAAAAUGH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH, and it all seems to be leaning heavily on the view of education as veering away from Proper Respect for Great White Men and towards total fucking non-white-dude-respecting chaos, as put forth notably by this dude, apparently a bestie of fellow misogygreat Saul Bellow, who was all over this book, like, “yes! Multicultural education will bring about the end of days! Now, allow me to present you with another novel which is in no small part about Jewish identity and experience,” so I am not even going to try to parse this, just going to say: wrong. Also, Vivian Gornick is officially smarter than all of us, the end.) Anyway! It occurs to me that you, too, may be engaged in checking out the opposition. I hereby share with you a few survival tips.
First, you must be aware that I bought the Roth novel used, as I am very particular about who gets my money, and I specifically try not to hand it over to actual or suspected obnoxious dicks. I furthermore bought it from the Housing Works bookstore, which donates all proceeds to fight AIDS and homelessness. I was seriously determined to expunge all icky karmic feelings from this exchange. It didn’t really help; even after I’d picked it up, I was irrationally convinced that Roth would somehow find a way to benefit from my purchase. Maybe he would stalk the streets of New York and terrorize homeless people with AIDS until he’d gotten precisely $8.50 from their pockets. I had no way of knowing. Anyway, wasn’t he benefiting, in some sense, by my consenting to let his work into my life? It is kind of like when someone is trying to pick a fight with you, and you are trying to ignore that person because you really don’t need this, and don’t consider him significant enough to fight with anyway, and so he just gets louder and louder and meaner and meaner until you finally consent to start yelling at him, and he is like, “ha ha, I win, you care what I think, and by the way what a hysterical bitch you are!” For that reason, I determined not to leave the bookstore until I’d found a book by a woman I had previously ignored.
(For the record: I settled on Joyce Carol Oates. I did this in honor of Big Dead John Updike and his five hundred thousand books, because they both published a lot, and Oates will probably continue to do so, seeing as how she is alive and all, but the conversations I have heard around Updike have been like, “he published so much! Isn’t that inspiring,” whereas the conversations I have heard around Oates have been like, “she publishes so much, Jesus, it’s like she can’t control her output.” Sexism in the literary world: it takes many forms! This public service announcement has been brought to you by the Task Force to Finally Get Around to Reading Joyce Carol Oates.)
Seeking out women’s voices, and the voices of other marginalized people, is a necessary survival tactic. If you are reading this, I am going to assume you know all about that. What I am not going to assume you know is the fact that it is literally impossible to read two books at the same time! You can read them in close sequence – a chapter of one, a chapter of the other – but precise simultaneity is not, in fact, possible to achieve. This is especially hard to deal with when you are reading someone like Roth, when you need, more than anything else, to have a smart and friendly voice in the room. Because Roth, Jesus: I may not survive this.
As an aside, I am currently reading the Alexandria Quartet, which is (a) really racist, (b) really colonialist, and (c) really misogynist, and I am reading it because the prose itself is kind of pretty and it does some interesting things with perspective (nothing that hasn’t been done before, and better, but still) and all of the above-listed flaws are both blatant and offensive, but also not impossible to wade through, because the author seems to kind of assume them as part of his and his readers’ worldview; he doesn’t at any point try to mount a defense of them. I am not defending them here, either. What I am saying is that Roth is different. Reading him is like being hectored, assaulted, insulted, attacked: endless pages, not only of Roth being wrong, but of Roth defending his wrongness and aiming incredible hatred (through both his narrative choices and his characters’ internal monologues) at anyone who dares to object. Roth has a physical effect on me, something I’ve experienced before only in relation to actual people: my heart starts hammering and I feel cold and all my muscles tense up and I am possessed by a rage that scares me. Which is weird, because that kind of rage is actually one of the subjects of The Human Stain – it’s just that it is glorified in Roth’s narrative surrogates and vilified in everyone else. I am forced to believe that Roth and I may have a lot in common. I am also forced to believe that Roth is too small and narcissistic to ever understand that this may be so. That, not the rage itself, is what keeps his work from being great: though he tries to comprehend other perspectives, he lacks the fundamental empathy and imagination necessary to understand that they may be valid even if they conflict with his own. There is an entire chapter from the perspective of a feminist professor; everything she says in it is correct, and as soon as we dive into her internal monologue we learn that she is sad and lonely and can’t get laid and that’s why she’s out to destroy the hero. There is no opening Roth’s ears or his heart. He is trapped in Philip Roth; when you read his work, you are trapped in Philip Roth too.
Does Philip Roth look up PJ Harvey videos on the YouTube, though? I suspect he does not! You should, however. For, yes, if you are going to do this, you are going to need survival tactics, and you are going to need backup. And the only thing, I repeat, the only thing that has gotten me though this, is listening to this song and a few others on repeat seventy thousand times whilst I read:

LINKING TIME: Big Dead John Updike Edition

You never know for sure how girls’ minds work (do you really think it’s a mind in there or just a little buzz like a bee in a glassjar?)
– Undeniably Great Genius John Updike, “A&P”

So, John Updike’s still dead. Did you know that? It is a fact. I’ve been more or less thinking about him being dead all week, and his deadness at this point appears permanent. I don’t know why John Updike is the most important thing on my mind for the first time ever, but he is, and I think it is because of the fact that, of all the various places where lady-hating appears in this world, lady-hating in Great Works of Literature bothers me the most. This is because, once someone is anointed “great,” people are compelled to study that person’s work, often by professors who are not open to critical interpretations of it, and so their lady-hating is not only perpetuated throughout the culture and/or associated with “cool” intellectual artsy “smartness” and/or imitated by douchebags who think the best way to assert their artistic identities is to observe famous people and then act like them, it is also shielded from honest and legitimate scrutiny.

Roth, Updike, Bellow, Kundera: these men, whose works are openly and earnestly misogynist in a way that you will only ever see at points of history wherein male privilege is seriously and successfully challenged, become a necessary part of one’s education and social capital, if one is to make it in academic or “intellectual” or “literary” circles. You cannot simply avoid, say, Phillip Roth. (Never read a whole book; never intend to read one; understand there’s a lot of forcible “face-fucking” involved. Did read the rest of those dudes, however!) If you do that, you are out of touch or unintelligent. You also cannot object to Phillip Roth on the grounds of his misogyny, because then you have bad taste and are a philistine who prizes politics over artistic achievement. (Didn’t know it was either/or, but: OK!) So basically what you have to do, if you are a woman or even a pro-feminist man, is to approve misogyny, be complicit with it, promote and praise it (or be a “good sport,” that is, indifferent and not all passionate or personally affected by it – “ha ha, yeah, it’s there, but note how detached and unmoved I am by this because the humanity of women such as myself is something I would never take it upon my weak little lady shoulders to defend”) in order to prove your worth within that field, and that whole process discourages women from getting involved or from making their voices heard, because, unsurprisingly, a whole lot of women are not comfortable with that level of complicity in their own oppression.

It definitely affected me, in precisely that way: after one particularly harsh experience with a sexist professor who marked my papers down for gender analysis (“too personal; I detect anger rather than appreciation; we must always strive to respect these great achievements”) my feelings about this dynamic, which I had observed and experienced in the past, finally overwhelmed me and divested me of the urge to struggle or to believe that what I had to say would ever be valued. I basically gave up on applying to grad schools and stopped writing more than a page a month; most months, I didn’t even get around to writing the page. That block lasted for about three years. This year, I am saying, is when I finally got over the “what’s the use” feeling this professor gave me. I can’t believe that I’m the only person this has happened to, or that every woman who experiences this eventually gets over it. I believe important, original voices are being silenced, and that is bad news. It also, by the way, reiterates the misogynist message within the works themselves: women exist to gratify and praise men, are to be condemned when they criticize or challenge men, and should never seek to compete with or stand alongside of men intellectually, for they are lesser beings.

I view writing as a form of resistance now. I view not shutting up, in general, as a form of resistance. So, because Art and Life are actually not two completely separate spheres (shocker!) I present to you: the various Ghosts of John Updike.

THE JOHN UPDIKE APPROACH TO POLITICAL DEBATE:


Ha ha, he doesn’t find her desirable, because she can use thoughts and words to form opinions which she then communicates through speech! Based on nothing more than this clip, I have decided that Dick Armey is betrothed to a RealDoll. No “prattle” from her, nosiree!

THE JOHN UPDIKE APPROACH TO FILM CRITICISM:

Anyway, the movie: Right off the bat, it looks pretty great and acts pretty stupid. (Insert a joke about a girl here.)

Ha ha, because girls who are smart are undesirable, and girls who are desirable are dumb, so there is basically always a reason to dislike any girl! Or is it that all girls are dumb? Help me, Josh Modell of the A.V. Club, your words are confusing my poor stupid woman-brain!

THE JOHN UPDIKE APPROACH TO WORLD HISTORY:

Quick briefing: Jessica Alba claimed Sweden was officially neutral during WWII. People thought that she was a dumb bimbo because, really, didn’t she mean Switzerland? Then they realized that Jessica Alba was officially smarter than them (and me!) because Sweden was, in fact, officially neutral during WWII. This guy is really upset about this, and writes the following [via Pandagon]:

She’s hot … and stupid! Just the way guys like ‘em… No one expects her to be consistent, or even smart. They just expect her to be hot.

Wicked hot. Girl should stick to doing what she does best.

Looking hot.

Illustrated “A&P” style with pictures of her nekkid or in swimsuits, AWESOME. Because her sole worth lies in arousing guys that she doesn’t even know, and her mind is in no way connected to that worth and in fact diminishes it, so let’s wish aloud that she would never use it and jerk off on her image in a way that is obscurely intended as an insult which puts her in her place, huzzah!

THE JOHN UPDIKE APPROACH TO JOHN UPDIKE:

The crystalline descriptiveness of his prose, the kind that makes lesser writers suck in their breath with envy, has always been used against him as an argument that his writing was all gloss and no depth, the way plain Janes insist the pretty blonde must also be brainless.

Ha ha, because he knows that women are all consumed with envy and competitiveness, because it is a stereotype that has been in currency for approximately forever (you can find it, for example, in John Updike’s “A&P”!) and therefore has got to be true. Am I right, fellas? Oh, wait: not everyone who reads is a fella? In fact, women tend to read more than men, and also to buy more books? WHAT THE HELL, DUDE.

You can hear it from crazy bloggers. You can hear it from published writers. You can hear it from Great Figures in Literature. You can hear it from elected representatives. What you can’t un-hear, once you tune in to it, is that it is always exactly the same thing.

Amanda Hess! Puppies! Dark Wizards! And: The News!

Good morning! Are you ready…. FOR THE GREATEST INTERNET CROSS-BLOGGING DIALOGUE OF ALL TIME? I am just going to go ahead and assume that you are, for it has totally arrived: every Friday, the amazingly always funny and sensical Amanda Hess of Washington City Paper’s The Sexist and Me of the Blog That You Are Reading This On Which Is Tiger Beatdown will be discussing the important events of this, our modern age! Oh, and also I will be saying “vagina” a lot, since that is kind of my gig.

This week: Bipartisanship, or the importance of reaching across the aisle to people who assume any kind of extended health coverage for women is equal to Obama personally aborting white ladies’ innocent Christian fetuses by force (WHAAAAAAAT) and how that has actually worked out so far, which is badly, the trials of growing up as a Boehner, and why I actually know far less about Blagojevajayjaygerblablalich than Amanda Hess but feel comfortable with assuming he is some kind of dream wizard. Read on!


Illustration: Boehner! Hahahaha.

AMANDA: first up, i hear via Wonkette tweet that Rod Blagojayavavovich is out.

SADY: is he now? i will be sad when he is gone and irrelevant, for he is such a hugely entertaining figure in American life.

AMANDA: he did a lot for women’s health in his state, and then said a lot about how he did a lot for women’s health in his state over and over again, in order to avoid talking about all the wire tapping business.

SADY: oh, well, yes. he should be in touch with the women’s health needs of his constituency, given that he is maybe secretly listening to their dreams while they sleep.

AMANDA: but he’s not going to discuss those allegations at this point. okay, so isn’t it weird that a) the postal service is taking Saturdays off now forever, and b) the stimulus bill just passed the house with no Republican support?

SADY: damn those postal services. oh, wait, i do everything through e-mail.

AMANDA: yeah i do not use the mail, ever.

SADY: and yes, which makes the “bipartisanship” moves of, say, dropping women’s health funding from it, kind of sad now. the more i look at this the more it seems to be a question of economic differences: GOP in favor of tax cuts, Dems in favor of spending on programs they think will create jobs.

AMANDA: why was there a whole big to-do about the family planning stuff then? there were all these reports of obama working congress for hours and hours, shaking hands and kissing babies and whatnot, and it turns out it didn’t even matter to the Republicans.

SADY: i honestly think it was just sort of casual misogyny, because the GOP wanted to pick a fuss about “unnecessary” spending, and (in their eyes) what is more unnecessary than extended health services for poor ladies!

AMANDA: yeah, i feel like it’s also easy to explain to “the people.” it’s easier to say, “they want to kill babies with this stimulus bill” than a whole bunch of economic jargon that I, admittedly, also do not understand.

SADY: right, and you get to scare people with the ever-present “poor woman slutting it up.”

AMANDA: and on the democratic side, don’t you imagine Pelosi et al were frustrated? i mean the economic sense of the family planning stuff seems fairly straightforward, but once you get “they want to fund abortions instead of rebuilding the country” into the equation, that’s probably hard to shake.

SADY: right, big ups for my Ohio homedude John Boehner for the scary scary thought of taxpayers! being forced! to fund! the abortion! industry!

AMANDA: “Boehner ” still makes me laugh, but that’s neither here nor there.

SADY: right, with a name like that your life can go either into porn or into insane puritanism. i imagine the mere thought of boners drives him mad with shame as he imagines the playgrounds of his youth. yet it’s weird that the dems backed off so easily.

AMANDA: and i think in a larger sense this just shows how women’s issues are sensationalized in the political process all the time. and i have to think a lot of it, as i think you said earlier, is that there are just vaginas involved. when there’s a vagina involved, suddenly everyone has an opinion— but the other billions and billions of dollars of provisions we don’t even hear about.

SADY: exactly. the actual bill itself just removed a step from a process that was already happening. yet Chris Matthews is like, “forcing people not to procreate with their vaginas any more? letting people have sex with their vaginas? Vaginas!” the rest of it is not salable in that same way.

AMANDA: vaginas. but, and speaking as someone who has a vagina, i can’t really be bothered with all this nonsense anymore. i just want to take my medicine or whatever and have it be as cheap as anyone else’s medicine.

SADY: exactly.

AMANDA: do you think that women’s health is always going to be a dividing line between these parties?

SADY: honestly, insofar as “women’s health” is linked with contraception is linked with abortion is linked with women’s being defined NOT entirely around popping out the babies for their husbands, i think it will always be a sore point. and one which can be exploited. yet so often it seems cynical to me. the socially conservative folks who vote based on these issues are not the same economically privileged folks who would be benefited by, say, the GOP’s tax cuts.

AMANDA: yeah, and it’s unfortunate that in this case, because that chain of associations was set off, women will suffer.

SADY: right, exactly. and i get that obama is looking to create coalitions, but (more boehner news) certain outlets are reporting that, as boehner walked to the floor for a vote, he, like, flashed a “zero” with his fingers to signify the number of GOP pro votes that would be cast. there’s a determination not to cooperate that is really scary, because it honestly seems like it is not about the issues, but about opposing this current president.

AMANDA: and on the other hand, too, i mean there’s this massive bill that the democrats know isn’t going to get major republican support. and they don’t change much of the bill, they just decide to toss out what essentially is a “token” admission to the republicans. but why sacrifice women’s issues the token issue when you know they’re not going to support you anyway, and in fact, their support does not matter?

SADY: exactly! that’s what bothers me! how easily this was backed up on and characterized as inessential when it is totally not! i mean, i get the sense that we could be voting “innocent puppies: should they all be killed?” and certain folks would be like NO WAY AM I DEALING WITH THAT PUPPY SYMPATHIZER OBAMA.

AMANDA: hey, did he pick a puppy yet?

SADY: i don’t know, i seriously feel like this puppy is going to be the unseen force that governs all our lives. we may never know whether a puppy has been picked or not. this is an inexcusably long time to wait for a puppy, i am saying.

The Trials of Moderate Leadership

And it is the Lilly Ledbetter act, hurrah! This very important law (the best law ever? PERHAPS, but soon to be surpassed by my “Free Kisses from Adorable Puppies Every Day Unless You Are Allergic” bill, for which I will be lobbying hard) “expanded the time frame in which workers can sue for discrimination they have experienced based on gender, race, national origin or religion.” (Does this not cover sexuality-based discrimination? If so, BALLS. We as a people need coverage of that, and also free kisses from adorable puppies, which you will get if you vote me into Congress, I am just saying!) This means that employers cannot discriminate against you, then keep you on board for most of your adult life, and then, when you find out about said discrimination which has apparently shaped your entire career path, say, “oh, but we’ve been doing that forever, so it is OK,” and have that be legally true. Also, per Phyllis Schlafly, it will allow us to sue the dead. You all know how much I hate the dead. Also, the Dead. I am not even going to pretend I feel bad about that one. Jerry Garcia, being both dead and Dead, is of course the object of my constant wrath and scorn.

HEADLINE RATING: 4 out of 5 long-assed guitar solos that go nowhere with stupid grown-up Boomers dancing around and pretending that they’re not going back to work at the World Bank tomorrow. This is actually a positive rating, in case you are confused.


Yes, and they passed it with no GOP votes whatsoever. You may think this is good, because you care about the economy and the state of the country and are a fundamentally unselfish person, but I, as an emotionally crippled narcissist unable to prize anything above the welfare of my own personal ladybits (and also those of others, I suppose, whatever, fine) am pissed right the hell off. For, as you may recall, Obama supported stripping extended family planning coverage from said package. This coverage, far from being a master plan to pay illegal immigrants to give teen prostitute welfare queens free abortions and also to steal the babies of good Christian mothers from their cradles and replace them with gay Muslim communist anti-gun lobbyists, which is more or less how was actually presented by folks on the right, was really pretty boring: it would allow clinics to provide family planning services (UPDATE: or rather, extend family planning services through Medicaid to women not normally eligible for Medicaid and FUDGE this is hard to communicate precisely) without applying for a federal waiver. As it stands, they will still have to apply for waivers. There’s going to be a whole lot of waiver-applying going on.

No, the legislation itself (which would have been good, though not nearly so awesome as the GOP’s nightmare version of it would have been) is not nearly so interesting as the fact that women’s rights (and queer rights, and the rights of the poor) are continually used as wedge issues or political footballs, and that liberal administrations of the past have historically been willing to withdraw their support of these marginalized populations when it meant losing needed support from the right, and Obama chose to continue that legacy by actually weighing in to request (according to some sources) stripping the coverage. Yet, by doing so, he was actually courting support that was (a) not needed, since it passed the House without GOP support, and (b) not forthcoming, because seriously, what were the odds that these crusty old right-wing bastards working to create a “permanent Republican majority” would support a leftish economic stimulus package from a dude they’ve been calling a “socialist” for nine million years?

The right is incredibly organized, and incredibly determined to fuck up each and every person or movement that stands to move this country leftward in the slightest. They are cynical and adept manipulators of their voters’ fears, and they stand together when challenged. It took eight non-stop years of massive failure from a Faulknerian man-child to even break their stride. The Democratic party… not so much. It even has trouble standing unapologetically for its base. It’s really disappointing that, given feminism’s long and conflict-filled history with the American left, and the vital role of women in electing Obama, it seems that feminism is still not central to the platforms of many powerful “liberal” or “progressive” establishments, and women are still tossed under the bus and regarded as inessential when it’s “bipartisan” time. Selling out in order to accomplish something is sad. Selling out for apparently no reason at all is just pathetic.

HEADLINE RATING: I can’t give a rating right now, you guys, my lady parts are too upset. Oh, okay, fine. You want a rating? I give it zero. Zero Happy Vaginas. Is that enough for you?

IN SUMMARY:

But… but… the Ledbetter act! Signed! Today! And… but the stimulus package thing was really crappy… but… Global Gag Rule…

I cannot deal with centrism, I have discovered. I am a simple woman with simple thoughts. I think of things in terms of “right” (all people are created equal = right!) and “wrong” (people who are women do not have the right to self-determination or bodily autonomy = wrong!) and shady moral compromises wherein you sit everyone down at the table and give each of them a part of what they want even if what they want is kind of evil… do not translate to my mind. I am either thrilled by Obama or seriously disappointed by Obama. Remember when journalists were all coming up with cute catch phrases containing the letters “O-B-A-M” in that order, like “Obamania?” Well, I have Obamanic Depression. It sucks.

If only there were some sort of Xanax-like moral salve which could help me to even it all out. Oh, no, wait: Free Kisses from Adorable Puppies! 2012!

Weekly Short Story Report: "A&P," John Updike

As the news of John Updike’s passing trickles down into obituaries, then appraisals, then annoying comment threads in which it is argued that feminist lit crit should just disappear because what matters is not whether John Updike created worthwhile, convincing fiction but whether he was “true to himself,” whatever that means, oh and also he is no longer alive so let’s just rush him into the canon already because you don’t want to speak ill of the dead or anything, one story is mentioned, over and over, as his finest: “A & P.”

By sheer coincidence, “A & P” is now available online! Also, I had been planning a weekly short story critique! Novels: they are too big for blog posts, guys. So, let’s read, shall we?

In walks these three girls in nothing but bathing suits. I’m in the third check-out slot, with my back to the door, so I don’t see them until they’re over by the bread. The one that caught my eye first was the one in the plaid green two-piece. She was a chunky kid, with a good tan and a sweet broad soft-looking can with those two crescents of white just under it, where the sun never seems to hit, at the top of the backs of her legs.

So it begins. Enjoy the prose here: its prosody (“sweet broad soft-looking”), its visual quality (“two crescents of white”), its command of the telling detail (“where the sun never seems to hit,” the vulnerability of the hidden implicit there). Note that this is an Updike piece not entirely written in Updike Voice, except (you’ll see later) when Updike decides he can get an effect by slipping into it. Oh, and also: OMG half-nekkid ladies! Sweet!

I stood there with my hand on a box of HiHo crackers trying to remember if I rang it up or not. I ring it up again and the customer starts giving me hell. She’s one of these cash-register-watchers, a witch about fifty with rouge on her cheekbones and no eyebrows, and I knowit made her day to trip me up. She’d been watching cash registers forty years and probably never seen a mistake before.

By the time I got her feathers smoothed and her goodies into a bag — she gives me a little snort in passing, if she’d been born at the right time they would have burned her over in Salem.

This is the passage which directly follows the opening, quoted above. What is interesting here is how the (young, desired, so far speechless) girls in their bathing suits are followed directly by an older woman who is described in the most unflattering terms possible. She’s old (if “about fifty” is old), still given to sexual display (the rouge) in defiance of the fact that this particular man does not find her attractive, she confronts the narrator for making a mistake, and she is thus a witch, a hag, a bitch, for no other reason than that she apparently wants the narrator to do his job.

She isn’t the last woman the narrator will denigrate over the course of “A&P”: in fact, every single woman in the story, including the bikini girls, will come under fire. Those three, however, exist in a different space: the inevitable criticism balanced with worshipfully purple prose about their bodies. They are desired and therefore spared, more or less. However, in order to praise them, Updike has to present each and every other woman in his fictional universe as inherently undesirable, ugly, and bad. He praises certain women as exceptional in order to degrade women as a gender, or maybe it’s the other way around; either way, it’s a narrative technique that Updike used over and over again in his work. And the women he praises at first usually turn out to be the most dangerous and terrible of all, as we shall see here, in due time.

There was this chunky one, with the two-piece — it was bright green and the seams on the bra were still sharp and her belly was still pretty pale so I guessed she just got it (the suit) — there was this one, with one of those chubby berry-faces, the lips all bunched together under her nose, this one, and a tall one, with black hair that hadn’t quite frizzed right, and one of these sunburns right across under the eyes, and a chin that was too long — you know, the kind of girl other girls think is very “striking” and “attractive” but never quite makes it, as they very well know, which is why they like her so much — and then the third one, that wasn’t quite so tall. She was the queen.

Note how the narrator is miraculously able to infer the entire social order and relationship history of these girls based on simply watching them for no more than a few seconds – not talking to them, not seeking their input, not even overhearing them as they speak to each other. Male authority over female truth, the narrator’s authority over fictional truth, the author’s authority over his fictional world: they blend so seamlessly into each other, lending legitimacy to each other, that we almost take the narrator and Updike at their words before we realize what Updike has done.

Note, too, how precisely their rankings in this imagined hierarchy correspond to how attractive the narrator finds them. He (and Updike?) naturally imagine that, as he values them, so do they value each other. Female value is located solely in the desirable body; a flaw in female beauty lessens female worth. At least the chunky one has a nice can; the tall one (Updike’s fiction has more than a few short, self-conscious male protagonists – just saying*) is “the kind of girl other girls think is very striking and attractive but never quite makes it, as they very well know, which is why they like her so much.” Aside from his apparently telepathic insight into the lives and thought processes of women to whom he has never spoken (and I imagine this is what people are referring to when they speak of Updike’s “insights into mundane life,” since it is such an eloquently regurgitated cliche about female competitiveness, shallowness, and bitchery) note what “making it” means here: being wanted by men like the narrator. Does she want? Does she have preferences? Does the narrator or author at any point attribute desire, meaning preferences for specific people or types of people, to this sexualized character? No. She needs to be wanted. That is what success is supposed to be, for women. That is all it is.

Blah blah, narrator gets implicit boner, blah blah, purple prose that breaks the rules the author has set for his narrator’s voice (“this clean bare plane of the top of her chest down from the shoulder bones like a dented sheet of metal tilted in the light”), blah blah other women are disgusting (“house slaves in pin curlers,” all other women in swimsuits wear shorts too and “are usually women with six children and varicose veins mapping their legs and nobody, including them, could care less”), blah blah, more boner, blah… Oh, look! Men!


“Oh Daddy,” Stokesie said beside me. “I feel so faint.”

“Darling,” I said. “Hold me tight.” Stokesie’s married, with two babies chalked up on his fuselage already, but as far as I can tell that’s the only difference. He’s twenty-two, and I was nineteen this April.

“Is it done?” he asks, the responsible married man finding his voice.

Amazing, isn’t it? Within three short paragraphs, this character has been given a voice, personality, and history, complete with relationships and implicit psychological conflicts. Is he a boy, or a man? A responsible husband and father or a kid who can leer at asses and make dirty jokes with his friends? We don’t know, and neither does he. We know he struggles. After all, he’s only twenty-two. The distance between Stokesie and the narrator is alternately far smaller and far larger than it appears. The narrator feels it too.

We are halfway through the story and no female character has had a line of dialogue. Or a distinct motivation. Or a name. Just thought I’d let you know.

Lengel comes in from haggling with a truck full of cabbages on the lot and is about to scuttle into that door marked MANAGER behind which he hides all day when the girls touch his eye. Lengel’s pretty dreary, teaches Sunday school and the rest, but he doesn’t miss that much. He comes over and says, “Girls, this isn’t the beach.”

Queenie blushes, though maybe it’s just a brush of sunburn I was noticing for the first time, now that she was so close. “My mother asked me to pick up a jar of herring snacks.” Her voice kind of startled me, the way voices do when you see the people first, coming out so flat and dumb yet kind of tony, too, the way it ticked over “pick up” and “snacks.”

What the… another named, speaking, male character with an actual past and personality! Things are getting CRAZY up in this here A&P! And a woman speaks for the first time in the whole entire story! (There are only three lines of female dialogue, so enjoy them.) And, miraculously, as soon as she speaks, the narrator finds a reason to dislike her! Her voice opens up the possibility that she has a personality, one which may not be solely based around the wild desire to gratify the narrator with her body. Since women’s worth is primarily derived from their bodies, of course, that voice is “flat and dumb,” but how can you expect a woman to have a mind worth engaging? It is also “tony,” meaning rich, meaning that she possesses power that the (working-class or at least lower-middle-class, we assume) narrator does not, which makes her a threat… oh, I’m sorry, I mean “a bitch.” I forget that men are never scared of the women they demean, and that misogyny is never directed at a woman because she seems stronger or smarter than the men who seek to diminish, intimidate, or humiliate her; that would be ridiculous, because how could a boy ever be threatened by a lesser order of life? My bad.

“We want you decently dressed when you come in here.”

“We are decent,” Queenie says suddenly, her lower lip pushing, getting sore now that she remembers her place, a place from which the crowd that runs the A & P must look pretty crummy. Fancy Herring Snacks flashed in her very blue eyes.

Geez, listen to her, all “having opinions” and “resisting authority” and “expressing anger” and absolutely for sure because the narrator is psychic somehow thinking that she’s better than people like him. I hope she doesn’t turn out to be a bitch like all the rest.

A word, here: the question of John Updike’s misogyny is not about whether or not his male characters call his female characters “bitches” and “cunts.” Those gendered insults are misogynist, but there are a thousand ways to frame them; their appearance does not automatically render a text sexist. The question of John Updike’s misogyny is definitely not about whether his male characters are sexually attracted to women, or sexually active with women. The idea that feminists are somehow offended by male lust itself is an ancient and idiotic straw man argument that is barely worth addressing here. Here I go, anyway: desire does not presuppose that a woman’s only worth lies in her ability to gratify a man. Desire does not presuppose that failing to gratify a man is some sort of character flaw, nor that the female party in a sexual exchange is always less than fully human, some sort of unknowable but undoubtedly inferior Other that one should not even really desire to know. Desire does not presuppose that sexual activity makes a woman worth less and a man worth more, while holding the paradoxical position that women who are not sexually active are cold, cruel bitches who are refusing to give men what they need and want and deserve. There are a thousand ways to desire. Desire is not misogyny. Misogyny appropriates desire and promotes the myth that one cannot exist without the other; then, because people like desire, it promotes the myth that people who oppose misogyny also oppose desire; thusly, it communicates that misogyny is itself desirable because it makes pleasure possible. This is untrue, but it is definitely part of why the question of whether Updike’s work is misogynist is so regularly confused (by non-feminists) with the question of whether he wrote about sex.

So, the question of John Updike’s misogyny is not and has never been about sex. The question is: what position do women hold in his fictional worlds? How are female characters created and deployed? How is their reality conveyed, and (since he strove for realism) is it consistent with the actual reality (the motivations, the inner lives, the choices and actions) of women? What function do women serve in Updike’s work? Here is one answer:

The girls, and who’d blame them, are in a hurry to get out, so I say “I quit” to Lengel quick enough for them to hear, hoping they’ll stop and watch me, their unsuspected hero. They keep right on going, into the electric eye; the door flies open and they flicker across the lot to their car, Queenie and Plaid and Big Tall Goony-Goony (not that as raw material she was so bad), leaving me with Lengel and a kink in his eyebrow…

Ah, yes, the “reward me for my ‘unselfish’ actions on your behalf with sex, since I do not actually care about you, but about my boner” move. Always a winner. But do the girls respond appropriately? Do they fall all over the hero in a beswimsuited orgy of sucking and fucking, or at least ask him out on a date, or at least praise him to the skies? I mean, he’d even take the fat one or the ugly one! He’s not asking for much here, just that they realize they exist for his gratification and be appropriately grateful for his not insulting them, or at least not insulting them aloud! And they do not, they are not, they fail!

I just saunter into the electric eye in my white shirt that my mother ironed the night before, and the door heaves itself open, and outside the sunshine is skating around on the asphalt.

I look around for my girls [MY?! – Ed.], but they’re gone, of course. There wasn’t anybody but some young married screaming with her children about some candy they didn’t get by the door of a powder-blue Falcon station wagon. Looking back in the big windows, over the bags of peat moss and aluminum lawn furniture stacked on the pavement, I could see Lengel in my place in the slot, checking the sheep through. His face was dark gray and his back stiff, as if he’djust had an injection of iron, and my stomach kind of fell as I felt how hard the world was going to be to me hereafter.

Note the text’s final disgusting woman, a screaming young wife with children. The narrator has risked his all due to his desire for women, and those women have betrayed him. The ones he wants, he can’t get; the ones he could get, the ones other people have gotten, are awful. The text’s assortment of aging or married women are not placed in the story accidentally: they are what the bikini women will be, in time. Women are bitches for not gratifying male desire; women who gratify male desire are, or will be, bitches. Desire leads to relationship leads to marriage leads to children; desire leads from the screaming young wife to the house slave in pin curlers to the hag who ought to be burned; women are a trap, women are a tragedy, women, put bluntly, are just plain bad. Oh, how hard, how very hard it is to live in this fallen and woman-infested world.

Misogyny? That’s putting it lightly. Yet if I rejected every book with undertones of misogyny or sexism, my list of total books read and enjoyed would diminish by at least half. Sexism is an undeniable part of history and culture, hence of the literary landscape, and you know what? I love to read. I love to read D.H. Fucking Lawrence, folks. I have no problem with putting up with sexism if the work is decent. Yet in this story, the clumsiness, the self-indulgence, the overdone symbolism and straining for deeper meaning and liberal substitution of cliche for character or insight, the unevenness of the basic craft, the absolute lack of any innovation in terms of technique or insight by which the author might hope to justify these obvious flaws… John Updike was a misogynist, sure. That’s only a part of why he was a bad writer.
*UPDATE: I have been informed that Updike was, in fact, tall. Of course, he is also being reported as “handsome,” so. What can I say? He writes like a small man. 

Compare and Contrast: John Updike

Now: John Updike wrote and published an enormous amount of fiction and non-fiction, in defiance of the fact that seemingly everything he had to say about the world had been said more eloquently by someone else (see: suburban domesticity breeds conformity and destroys the soul) or was insultingly stupid (see: women are devouring monsters, out to destroy men by withholding the sex they deserve or else selfishly gratifying their own bestial lust at the expense of the poor helpless men who can’t resist their charms). His form was mostly devoid of worthwhile content and, ultimately, not that exciting or innovative as pure form. (Ah, pretty prose which utilizes imagery well! How very rare! Surely we should not expect anything more from a book, when this is on offer? Tell us more of this “adultery” of which you speak, and how it does not solve everything, but is so hot; we are intrigued.) Updike lived a long life and died of natural causes. 
None of the above-listed things were true of David Foster Wallace. 
Discuss.