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Feast Ye Now Upon Your Condemnation. Served With a Hearty Red!

The Catholic Church has always had its problems: with the Ladies, the Gays, the People Who Use Birth Control, and the People Who Get Married More Than Once. (Hi, Mom!) They also have problems with the Left-Handed, by the way. Maybe this is not as much of a thing, but I recall being seven years old and hearing that Mary sat at “the left hand of God” because she was a woman and because it was the “unclean hand,” and I was DEEPLY OFFENDED, living as I do at the intersection of these two equally important forms of prejudice. I cornered the priest after Mass and let him have it!

Short answer: yes, I have always been a sanctimonious twat.

Anyway! The Catholic Church has added a new group to its shit list: the People Who Voted for Obama. Actually, it might just be this one guy:

“Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president,” [Rev. Jay Scott] Newman wrote, referring to Obama by his full name, including his middle name of Hussein.

“Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exists constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil, and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ’s Church and under the judgment of divine law. Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation.”

So, you totally can’t have communion now unless you do your penance, although this is slightly complicated by the fact that (a) no-one knows who you voted for unless you tell them, and (b) the priest can’t tell if you did penance or not unless you tell him, as evidenced by the many times I did not say a “Hail Mary” for calling my little brother a poopface and thus damned myself to Eternal Hellfire. To be fair, though, he was being a poopface. I think God agrees with me on that.

In fact, I’ve checked with God, and he would also like you to know that Obama is not even remotely a pro-abortion radical. Obama doesn’t even believe that psychological distress counts a health-related reason to abort. I, however, am a pro-abortion radical, and drove many people mad throughout election season with bitter, non-productive comments about the choice positions of both major Democratic contenders. “Why won’t Hillary say she’s okay with abortion? Why won’t Obama say he’s okay with abortion? Why does no one like abortion as much as I do? Why am I not having an abortion right now? You know who would be a better Vice-Presidential candidate than Joe Biden? An abortion! Obama/Abortion ’08! GOD, I JUST LOVE ABORTION SO MUCH.”

Short answer: yes, I am still a sanctimonious twat. Now, however, I’m a sanctimonious twat who won’t stop talking about abortion! Also, I don’t go to church any more.

You know, given the fact that Obama’s election drove this dude into an epileptic rage fit, I can’t wait to see how he reacts when he learns who the Secretary of State is going to be. (Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease.)

[Via this via that.]


  1. Jim wrote:

    Gosh, I never complained about Obama’s stance on abortion because I was too offended that people were falling all over themselves for a pro-war, pro-state sponsored murder (as if this is different from war) capitalist

    Tuesday, April 21, 2009 at 11:31 am | Permalink
  2. Anonymous wrote:

    Well, Jim, that’s because you’re a dude and abortion rights TOTALLY DO NOT EFFECT YOU PERSONALLY, which means you can afford to not be terribly concerned about them.

    Friday, May 29, 2009 at 5:04 am | Permalink