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111,111,117th Meeting of Sisterhood of Sluts, loc. in Foul Caves of Wantonry: Presentation Notes

My fellow sluts: for years, we have feared this day. Since time immemorial, we have practiced our dark arts in secrecy, confident that we could continue to drain the vital fluids of this world’s puny males while keeping our true natures hidden. To all appearances, we are human women, not foul succubi suckled at Lilith’s teat, sent to besmirch men with our whoredom, to crush their proud faith in having slept with more people than their girlfriends and therefore being macho manly masculine men, and, ultimately, to deliver their quivering, emasculated souls to Satan, who will call them pussies and laugh at them in the locker room before snapping their asses with his dampened Hell Towel. (Ah, the Hell Towel. Most feared of all the Dark Lord’s punishments, exceeding even the Wedgie of Fire!) The large, slow-witted, betesticled ones could never guess our master plan.

Or so we thought. For, against all odds, one of them has done just that. He has even exerted his wrinkly organ-sack (the one in his skull!) to write the blog post entitled “It’s Easy To Identify a Slut,” the blog post that, it is whispered, may at last foil our glorious scheme. His name – ah, that accursed name! – is Roissy!

We need not despair, sisters in harlotry! We have thwarted the hairy, lumbering sausage-creatures before, easily lulled as they are by our most diabolical creation, that which they call “anal.” All will be well – so long as we do not reveal the existence of the Doomsday Device.

Awwwwww, CRAP.

ANYWAY, there’s a dude named Roissy on the Internet, and he has apparently paid for a lot of phone sex in his time, because he has composed a blog post written entirely in the idiom of professional dirty talk about why dudes shouldn’t date sluts and which behaviors are signals of slutdom.

You may be tempted to get all, “whoa, why is a dude who is so hugely into porn also so opposed to women who have sex?” Then you will realize that it totally makes sense, because mainstream porn language, if you’ve ever paid attention to it, is always like, “Watch this Stupid Slut Get Slammed/Pounded/Torn Up/Banged/Some Other Word Which Signifies Violence but Is Used in this Context to Connote Fucking, Because Fucking is Totally Awesome for Dudes, but She is Stupid and a Bad Person for Doing It Anyway, Hence Our Sexy Beating-Up Talk.” It’s gross and creepy, and can screw with your head, especially if you are inexperienced or sheltered or a little crazy in the first place. If you want an example… well, have you met Roissy?

Observe, sisters, his knowledge of our demonic ways! 
Acknowledging the Existence… of SEX!
Truly, as Roissy observes, a woman who “broaches the subject of sex first” is no more than a common slattern! Any mention of it, such as “my husband of twenty years and I are having more sex lately,” or, “since I entered a convent and took a vow of celibacy, I no longer have sex,” is an admission of whoredom most depraved.  
Having Preferences… in Regard to SEX!
Ladies so heartless as not to bask in “the glow of bedroom missionary sex,” preferring instead the vile French arts of maybe changing positions every once in a while or giving a beej or something, anything, rather than doing the same thing over and over and then over again: ’tis pity you’re all whores! Because you totally are, because Roissy says so. 
Knowing How… to have SEX!
“Hey man, nothing like getting a BJ from a chick who knows how to hit the underside with her tongue, but it does make you wonder how much dick it required for her to reach that level of professionalism,” quoth Roissy. Yo brah, one learns that particular tactic by skimming any given issue of Cosmo. In his quest to find and despoil all the virgins in the land, it appears that Roissy has been getting himself some half-assed, unenthusiastic blowjobs. I, for one, am shocked!
Masturbating… while thinking of SEX!
Yes, it’s true: women who own vibrators or watch porn are “high testosterone sex fiends!” One can spot such creatures by looking for “forearm hair, narrow hips, broad shoulders, a penchant for cursing, a flat ass (adjusted for race), career ambition, and status whoring.” 
You know, it occurs to me that my thoughts on masturbation are pretty fucking personal, and probably none of your goddamn business. Unless you’d like to schedule some sort of high-profile panel conference on the subject, in which case you can reach me at tigerbeatdown@gmail.com!
Not Wearing Underwear All the Time, Because Underwear Covers the Genitals, and the Genitals Are Used… for SEX!
I told you, they are all in the laundry right now! Oh, AND WHAT.
Being Black. 
No jokes on this one. He just says that all black women are sluts. To be honest, I was kind of used to the vehement, disturbing misogyny at this point, so the vehement disturbing racism came as a surprise. He’s complex, that Roissy. 

But wait! You are saying. (I have a bug installed in your computer. By the way, who pays to download Southland Tales from iTunes? Well, you, apparently.) Aren’t all of these qualifications completely useless, applying as they do to pretty much every female person on the face of the planet at one point or another? I have asked myself the same. Those were the dark ages, before I read the final qualification on his list. For would a non-slut ever go so low as to

Imply or State Outright that Roissy Has a Small Penis, Unsuitable… for SEX?
Oh, no, wait; from the look of things (the “look” of things being that Roissy is either coming out of a bad divorce or has never touched a woman, and allays whatever insecurities he might have by creating a fantasy blog world where he is an undisputed master of poonani and gets to reject women, rather than be rejected by them, which – it is heartbreakingly obvious – is what happens in the real world) they totally would do that. 
“When I feel humongous with a girl, I know she has a normal sized snatch,” Roissy writes. This means, of course, that the women he hasn’t felt “humongous” with must have had huge vaginas, and must therefore be sluts, and must therefore be bad people, and that it must therefore be All Their Fault, and in no way indicative of his (huge, he swears!) dick size. 
Which is what it’s about, really: looking for ways to blame us, the vile floozies of this Sisterhood (all hail the silicone vibrator attachments of Satan!) rather than allowing himself to realize that the problem is him, always has been him, and he is alone in this world, and unloved, and unlovable, and very very lonely. 
Oh, and remember our earlier talk, about encoded violence in porn language? 

“The more I feel like I’m ripping her insides to shreds, the likelier I am to move her to the front of my cherished girlfriend queue,” he continues.

On a completely unrelated note, Roissy has this post about how he tested his Mystery-style seduction tactics on his three-year-old niece!

On a very much related note, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
– AND NOW, THE SECRET PRIZE –
You know, after dealing with something so unpleasant, it’s nice to hear a song with a message. Open your heart and your mind!

5 Comments

  1. Chic Noir wrote:

    applying as they do to pretty much every female person on the face of the planet at one point or another?
    I said as much and he accused me of lying on him.
    smh

    Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 2:49 am | Permalink
  2. Blue Sky wrote:

    Wow. That man is a douchebag and the commenters on that site are just… horrible, horrible people.

    Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 7:53 pm | Permalink
  3. Sady wrote:

    @Chic Noir: I saw the way he treated you. It pretty much proved to me that he is not a mentally stable person, and that he could be dangerous – I do think he would physically hurt someone if he thought he could get away with it, and he probably already has. (That post where a girl showed up at his house and his first thought was that she was there to “accuse him of rape?” YIKES.) The way he screamed at you, took the most harmful shots he could, and would not let up until you said he’d “won” was (in his mind) a show of “dominance,” but in the real world, we refer to people who do that as “abusers.”

    If I can be so bold, I think it happened because (a) you’re a woman who disagreed with him, (b) you’re a woman of color who disagreed with him, and (c)he thought he could get away with it. Honestly, I had a long conversation about dealing with people like Roissy the other night. While I think it’s totally relevant, necessary, and fair to call attention to what they represent on one’s own blog, it’s also really dangerous and pointless to deal with them directly. People like that don’t change, and can’t respond to reasoned criticism. They’re like rabid dogs. I wouldn’t try to argue with one of those, either.

    Monday, January 5, 2009 at 11:26 am | Permalink
  4. angryyoungwoman wrote:

    Also, I just LOVE (I mean, hate) that he says I good “wife and mother” will have slept with three or fewer people while he is encouraging men to sleep with as many women as possible. Sick.

    Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 4:36 pm | Permalink
  5. See, things like this get me so enraged and terrified that I can never even remember to breathe properly, let alone articulate my thoughts and proceed to calmly break down, analyse and rip apart each disgusting point while KEEPING A SENSE OF HUMOUR. I really like your posts.

    Friday, January 8, 2010 at 8:06 am | Permalink