Or so we thought. For, against all odds, one of them has done just that. He has even exerted his wrinkly organ-sack (the one in his skull!) to write the blog post entitled “It’s Easy To Identify a Slut,” the blog post that, it is whispered, may at last foil our glorious scheme. His name – ah, that accursed name! – is Roissy!
We need not despair, sisters in harlotry! We have thwarted the hairy, lumbering sausage-creatures before, easily lulled as they are by our most diabolical creation, that which they call “anal.” All will be well – so long as we do not reveal the existence of the Doomsday Device.
ANYWAY, there’s a dude named Roissy on the Internet, and he has apparently paid for a lot of phone sex in his time, because he has composed a blog post written entirely in the idiom of professional dirty talk about why dudes shouldn’t date sluts and which behaviors are signals of slutdom.
You may be tempted to get all, “whoa, why is a dude who is so hugely into porn also so opposed to women who have sex?” Then you will realize that it totally makes sense, because mainstream porn language, if you’ve ever paid attention to it, is always like, “Watch this Stupid Slut Get Slammed/Pounded/Torn Up/Banged/Some Other Word Which Signifies Violence but Is Used in this Context to Connote Fucking, Because Fucking is Totally Awesome for Dudes, but She is Stupid and a Bad Person for Doing It Anyway, Hence Our Sexy Beating-Up Talk.” It’s gross and creepy, and can screw with your head, especially if you are inexperienced or sheltered or a little crazy in the first place. If you want an example… well, have you met Roissy?
But wait! You are saying. (I have a bug installed in your computer. By the way, who pays to download Southland Tales from iTunes? Well, you, apparently.) Aren’t all of these qualifications completely useless, applying as they do to pretty much every female person on the face of the planet at one point or another? I have asked myself the same. Those were the dark ages, before I read the final qualification on his list. For would a non-slut ever go so low as to
“The more I feel like I’m ripping her insides to shreds, the likelier I am to move her to the front of my cherished girlfriend queue,” he continues.
On a completely unrelated note, Roissy has this post about how he tested his Mystery-style seduction tactics on his three-year-old niece!