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Monthly Archives: December 2008

Welcome To My LiveJournal

Hola, amigos. It has, as they say, been a while since I rapped at you. Let me attempt to explain the delay. As you may know, I:  Quit smoking, after which I  Hated everything, then got really Sad about everything, and then Cried a lot, then contracted The flu.  I also:  Lost my wallet.  This […]

Today Is the Day I Share

So, I looked up “smoking withdrawal” symptoms (no patch today, check me out) and then I got this: Feelings of being an infant: temper tantrums, intense needs, feelings of dependency, a state of near paralysis. No, really. Also, crazy dreams! Like: one of my favorite writers opened a bookstore, and it had a special section […]

Vanity, All Is Vanity

Blah blah blah Tina Fey blah blah Vanity Fair blah Maureen Dowd blah blah blah sucks blah scar blah blah weight blah blah “showing tit” blah blah blah. Anyway! Yes, Maureen Dowd has some fucked-up business that she needs to attend to, seeing as how she’s swallowed the whole “being a powerful woman is about […]

Virgins, Whores, and Retail: Holiday Cheer Edition!

Women! They sure do like it when you buy them things. Am I right, fellas? Unfortunately, this holiday season, you may find yourself sleeping with one of them – or maybe even married to one! As a male, you are of course totally incapable of buying someone a thoughtful gift which is tailored to her […]

Santa Claus Is Coming

To town! And, by “town,” I mean “your vagina!” Witness: Now, here’s the beauty portion: this is an ad for emergency contraception. That’s right: Santa has a special present for you this year, and it is a bastard child. He wants to squirt his magical sparkling pine-tree scented spunk into your womb (it tastes just […]

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone

SO MUCH SNOW HERE! I’M DRUNK CAUSE MY MOM WON’T QUIT CALLING ME A WHORE. – Text message received at 6:45 p.m., 11/27/08 I think I texted her back about the box of wine I had hidden under my bed.