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"I’m Her Mom." "No, She’s Not!" And Other Brief Diversions

Here is a thing you need to know about me, first of all: sometimes I do not answer my phone. Here is another thing: I love both baby animals and baby humans. My love for baby humans is kind of conditional – I think they are awesome up until about the age of twelve, at which point they become insufferable little weiners – but, nonetheless, deeply felt. I have, like, ten cousins, THAT I KNOW OF, not counting step-cousins and former step-cousins and my cousins from my dad’s six brothers and sisters, most of whom I’ve never met, and eight of my ten known cousins are younger than my own personal self, so you may rest assured that I have a lot of experience in the whole hanging-out-with-small-humans thing and feel pretty certain that it is (subjectively, at least) a rocking time. Now, you may think these two pieces of information are unrelated! They are not, however, and herein I hope to demonstrate why that is so.

Ladies, gentlemen: I present to you, “Kittens: Inspired by ‘Kittens.'”

As I watch this video, which is available on the YouTube and which I hope to aid in becoming the next big viral meme, I realize that it is very likely unbearable to a large sector of the adult population. This sector consists of people who (a) do not like kittens, or (b) do not like children. I even know some folks who dislike BOTH kittens AND children, which just seems like saying “no” to life to me, but I respect the fact that, were they to watch this video, they would fall out of their chairs while clawing frantically at their eyes to get the poison out. I am not one of those people!

Because kids will just do stuff like this. They know it’s kind of dorky, maybe. THEY DO NOT CARE. Much as I loathe the sort of parents who will tape their child and put him or her on the YouTube, taking care to include some nods to Wes Anderson in terms of frame composition because they are dicks (your child has a fake tattoo? Or is it real? Is your child JUST THAT COOL?) I must respect this particular effort because: “I want pie! I want beef jerky!” Dude, that is exactly what those kittens are thinking, how does she know? So, this is maybe why I am more cool with baby animals and humans than others, because, those times when I do not answer my phone? This is exactly what I am doing. I just thought you should know.