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WHAT.

Why, hello, seven hundred and ninety new visitors and, like, twenty new subscribers that I assume are coming from that one link on Shakesville! How are you? When I found out about you, I pretty much pooped my pants! It was that exciting, seven hundred and ninety new visitors. Also, scary. Here is the conversation I was having immediately prior to finding out that you existed:
“I don’t wannnnnnnnnnnt to write on my blog any more, Kelly.”

“That is ridiculous. Why?”

“I don’t know. Like, if you look at that ‘Science Fact’ post. That is an embarrassment. It’s way too long, it doesn’t really convey its points clearly, it makes too many points, and I have this jokey voice that stands in for actual humor. Like, how many times can I say the word ‘douchebag?’ A LOT, apparently, because I insert it into everything I write. I just… I am reading all this coverage of it elsewhere and am like… yeah, you did it. Me? Nope.”

“Well, you know people who would be willing to edit your stuff. Why don’t you ask them?”

“Because they don’t caaaaaaaaaaaaare. Because I suuuuuuuuck.”

“Okay, then.”

“HOLY CRAP THERE IS A LINK TO THE SCIENCE FACT THING ON SHAKESVILLE.”

Every day, I become more convinced that Melissa McEwan is some kind of superhero. I really, really do.

So! Seven hundred and ninety people I do not know! I am assuming that you read that one really stupid and vaguely sexist post about Kevin Spacey tormenting us all in the infernal pits of Hell, and agree with my general assessment, so now there are only about four of you left. Welcome! I look forward to driving you all away very soon.

– WE PAUSE FOR THE MANDATORY UNRELATED TANGENT CONTAINING THE WORD “DOUCHEBAG” –

So, this Bonnie Erbe lady! She wrote a little blog post – for money, I am kind of assuming – entitled “Sex Kitten Feminist Sarah Palin Is a Big Media, Internet Draw, Love or Hate Her.” Now, aside from the “Sex Kitten Feminist” label, which I believe would be enough to make me vomit out my own lower intestine even if it were not attached to Sarah Palin (she’s a feminist! But it’s okay, because she’s sexy! And also, not really committed to any feminist goals!) I must point out to you that there is no reason whatsoever to read this post. Its subject matter is entirely contained within its headline! Here is a sample:
I know my posts about Palin, or even her daughter Bristol have generated tons of traffic, and I wonder why she has become this Internet magnet for attention.

I guess because you either love her or hate her.

Seriously. I would actually recommend that you read it, so that you can see how little point there is to reading it. (“There are other possible reasons: her personal brand of sex kitten feminism or sex kitten non-feminism.” Really, Bonnie?) I mean: writing a post clearly intended to drive traffic to your blog, rather than to convey a point – I get it. It’s super cheap and icky, but I get it. Writing a post that is about the traffic on your blog? That, my friends, makes you a douchebag.