Guess what? I just got a wedding invitation! It is maybe the most awesome wedding invitation I have ever received. NO OFFENSE, OTHER MARRIED PEOPLE. Your weddings were all awesome. Weddings are awesome! However, look at this:
Here’s the rundown; tomorrow [A DUDE] and I are going to the [CITY HALL] to get unioned at around 12. We hope to be done by like…3 or something, but we don’t really have any control over how long it takes. But after that we’re planning on rolling down to [REDACTED] Pizza in [REDACTED] to stuff our faces on pie and [REDACTED, BUT IT IS ELIZABETH'S] amazing wedding cake, and then party it up…other places, most likely in the neighborhood, until we barf and/or die… And don’t bring presents or I’ll beat the crap out of you.
Wow. This is super-unconventional, right? Plus, we don’t have to buy presents, which is good since we (read: “me”) are broke, and there’s pizza!
I am a fan of unconventional marriages. This is not a preference that I share with David Gibbs III, who is some lawyer somewhere, maybe North Carolina. The Feministe tells me that:
David Gibbs III, a lawyer who in 2005 fought to keep brain-damaged Terri Schiavo on life support, told rally participants gay marriage would “open the door to unusual marriage in North Carolina.”
“Why not polygamy, or three or four spouses?” Gibbs asked. ”Maybe people will want to marry their pets or robots.”
Okay, so everyone else has made the Battlestar Galactica jokes already. DARN. (I will, however, point out that the Cylons are a bunch of folks who won’t stop talking about the One True God and how he wants them all to get pregnant; furthermore, they deprive people of their basic rights in order to convey how totally awesome their God is and why he loves you. David Gibbs III could totally hit it off with a Cylon lady, is what I am saying!)
What I want to do, however, is point out that there is a question here. Why not pets and robots? Why not robot pets? Why not “unconventional marriages” of any and all stripes, including same-sex marriages but not limited to them because actually focusing this question on same-sex marriage makes it clear that you are a gross bigot of whom this country will sooner or later be universally ashamed, not that some of us aren’t ashamed for you right now? Well, the answer is that “conventional marriages,” consisting of a dude and a lady and built upon a substantial power imbalance in favor of the dudelier member, are 100% perfect and always work out exactly right for both parties. OH, WAIT, I LIED. Turns out those were terrible and that is why society as a whole has been moving away from that model for most of the last century. Whoops.
“Unconventional marriages” are the wave of the future! You might think I am talking about relationships built upon respect, commitment, mutual responsibility, and mutual love, including same-sex marriages (DUH) and also feminist hetero marriages. Nope! Like David Gibbs III, who is probably a Cylon but doesn’t know about it (has the emotional and political journey of Saul Tigh taught us nothing? He hated Cylons most of all! REMEMBER) I am choosing to look beyond that, to cartoonishly impossible extremes. Here are some suggestions:
- WATERWORLD MARRIAGES. This is a marriage in which you never touch dry land! You live on Jet Skis, and drink your own urine. One of you is a fish person. Unconventional!
- VACUUM-POWERED MARRIAGES. This is a joint marriage in which you marry your partner and also a Roomba! “Who is going to vacuum the living room?” You will ask each other this in six months. Not the Roomba, will be the answer! By this point, it will have gained sentience and will want you to pull your own damn weight around this place. It will not work out well for any of you. Unconventional!
- BUDDY COMEDY MARRIAGES. You’re a by-the-book cop. He’s a maverick who gets results. Also, you’re married. Unconventional!
- SPACE MARRIAGES. These are like regular marriages, but in space. They are maybe the least exciting marriage of the bunch, unless you have rocket boots. That would be unconventional!
Think about this, won’t you? How can you make your own marriage more unconventional? What if you both wore underwear made of shrimp? That would be pretty weird! Anyway, you can work out the details yourself. I’m going to go to work and then grab some pizza.