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TIGER BEATDOWN FOR TEENZ Presents: Super Fun Awesome Skateboarding R-Rated Fun Sexy Xtreme Facts About Dating! I REPEAT, FOR TEENZ.

You know, it’s hard to say why this New York Times article irritates me. Granted, a large part of the problem may be that everything irritates me. However, this is special! It is about educating teenage boys about sex and “courtesy,” and it is also about all of those folks who think we should be specifically teaching young men not to be sexually violent.

But wait, this article asks: what if, by teaching them not to be violent, we hurt their feelings? No, seriously, it actually asks that. So, while I get that its writer, Perri Klass, thinks we should teach boys to protect themselves from predators, and teach girls not to be violent assholes, and totally agree with her on these points, her constant worries that “you may get an official worldview in which boys are viewed as potential criminals and girls as potential victims,” or that “boys need to understand that there are people — male and female — who will see them as potential predators, and judge them automatically at fault in any ambiguous situation,” along with the whole let’s-not-talk-about-the-fact-that-lots-of-girls-actually-are-assaulted-or-abused-by-male-peers aspect of her article, makes the whole piece, um, not my favorite.

I mean, I get it: you love your teenager, you don’t want to think ill of him, and therefore you don’t teach him not to be violent or to avoid treating girls like crap because you are afraid of offending his tender sensibilities, and that is the story of how you became that lady on the news segment about the Highway Chainsaw Lady-Dismemberer who says, “oh, but he was always such a nice boy.”* I feel for you, I do.

Say, you know who doesn’t love your teenagers? Me! I was also a teenager myself at one point, and dated boys of that age! For this reason, I am entirely qualified to teach them lessons about how to treat the ladies.** Therefore, free of charge, I am offering this comprehensive blog-based sexual and dating education platform, which will soon be taught in schools across this great nation, assuming (as I always do) that teachers are extremely irresponsible and want to get sued. Behold my various not-at-all inappropriate tips!

1) NO, IT DOES NOT SMELL WEIRD. “It” being the vagina, of course! Or rather, it kind of does, and this is an entirely valid reason to avoid reciprocating oral sex if you live in an alternate universe wherein the male testicles smell like a fresh breeze in a rose garden and spunk tastes like God put a rainbow in your mouth. If not: sorry, dude. It is time to deal.

2) YOU ARE NOT TOO TIRED TO PUT ON A CONDOM. It takes five seconds, and if this physical exertion is too much for you, may I suggest you refrain from the demanding exercise known as sexual intercourse? You are also not too numb in the weiner to put on a condom; even if it takes five, ten, or fifteen additional minutes for you to have an orgasm, this may actually be a good thing, and if you are mystified as to why that might be, again: I suggest not fucking. Finally, as a man once suggested to a friend of mine in what has become my Very Favorite Bad Sex Story of All Time, it is not “useless” for you to wear a condom because you “probably have STDs anyway.” A gentleman does not boast about the quantity and variety of diseases contracted by his member, let alone offer to rub them up against a lady because, heck, he’s got nothing to lose. A gentleman puts on the damn condom – which, if he had been doing it all along, would have prevented him from contracting such remarkably variegated crotch rot in the first place.

3) YOUR FRIENDS ARE DICKS. Actually, this is not universally true. When it is true, however, it explains a puzzling aspect of high-school dating life: the phenomenon whereby a young man is perfectly nice to his girlfriend when they are alone together, but feels the need to put her down, say sexist stuff to or about her, or otherwise treat her like some unwelcome substance he has unwittingly stepped in when he invites her to hang out with his friends. This is a thing that boys do, I am told, to prove that they are not “pussy-whipped!” Or “loving!” Or “decent people!” If your friends are so threatened by girls that they lose respect for you when you treat one well, here are two options: (1) don’t date girls, or (2) get better friends.

4) GUESS WHO GETS TO DECIDE WHETHER TO HAVE AN ABORTION? Hint: she has a fetus in her hoo-ha!

5) SERIOUSLY, JUST PUT ON THE CONDOM. Why are we still talking about this? Bag your groceries, dude.

6) AUGH, BUT TAKE IT OFF AGAIN RIGHT AFTER! AUGH! The stuff drips back out! It is terrible!

7) YOUR VIRGINITY IS A PRECIOUS GIFT FROM BABY JESUS. For that reason, don’t have sex until you are ready to not act like a complete tool about it afterwards. Baby Jesus doesn’t want to overhear you talking about how you banged [X], possibly in the butt (no, you didn’t), and it was awesome. Baby Jesus, like the rest of us, is not that impressed.

8) I HAVE AN AWESOME SEDUCTION TACTIC FOR FOOLING OTHERWISE UNWILLING WOMEN INTO SLEEPING WITH YOU. IT IS: (1) Realize that seeking out seduction tactics for fooling otherwise unwitting women into sleeping with you makes you a bad person. (2) Feel bad about that. (3) Become a better person.

9) EVERYONE MAKES BAD DECISIONS, AND HAS REGRETS. In the end, I must agree with New York Times columnist Perri Klass, M.D, who says that “sometimes people make dumb decisions. Sometimes you decide to do something and then you wish you hadn’t done it, and that doesn’t necessarily make you bad or good, though it may make you sadder and wiser.” I would further add that some bad decisions, such as hitting a lady to express your disapproval of her, or stalking her, or fucking her without her explicit and enthusiastic consent, are so widely regarded as bad that they actually occupy a special category of bad decisions, known as “crimes!” When people commit these “crimes,” we send them to a special place, where they can take a court-mandated amount of time to think about and regret them. It is called “jail,” and if you do these things, it is where you will go. One hopes.

10) CHICKS DIG TATTOOS. So get a tattoo! Get this one. Remember: the Internet said it was OK. Trust the Internet, and all will be well!

— AND NOW, AN UPDATE: BONUS POINT! —

11) HUMAN SEXUALITY IS A MANY-SPLENDORED THING. DOUCHEBAGGERY LACKS ALL SPLENDOR. As you are probably aware, sometimes dudes like to date the dudes, just as some ladies prefer to date the ladies. Should you want to make a person switch from dating dudes to dating ladies, or vice versa, here is what you can do to make that happen: absolutely fucking nothing. Not shaming people, not hitting people, not suggesting to the lady-dating ladies that perhaps if they had an opportunity to see and touch your penis they would rethink their positions re: penises in general. In fact, doing those things makes you a tool! Youth of America, if there is one thing I have to teach you, it is this: stop being tools. Also, if you want to date the dudes or the ladies, don’t let tools change your mind on this very important issue. You get to date who you want to date, people in general are going to date who they want to date, and that is always awesome and commendable so long as they treat their dates with respect, because dating is like having a field of sunflowers in your heart. In fact, if you are not a hateful meathead bully, someday people may even want to date you. Note: this is not guaranteed. 

*There is a slight chance that this is not actually what will happen, and that your son will either learn how not to be a weiner without your help, or will just be a weiner of normal, non-chainsaw-wielding proportions. I would like to emphasize, however, that the chances of this are SLIGHT! He will probably kill people! I am pretty sure!
**This statement is factually inaccurate.

16 Comments

  1. Kara wrote:

    Yet another reader who wishes to say: I think I love you. That is all. Please return to your regularly scheduled program.

    Tuesday, April 14, 2009 at 7:21 pm | Permalink
  2. snobographer wrote:

    Respectfully disagreeing with your second footnote. I think you are entirely qualified to teach teen boys how to treat the ladies. The world would be a much better place if teenage boys – indeed, boys of all ages – listened to ladies tell them about ladies and stopped listening to PUAs tell them about ladies.

    Tuesday, April 14, 2009 at 7:49 pm | Permalink
  3. hexy wrote:

    Gotta love the bong-smoking dolphin.

    Wednesday, April 15, 2009 at 4:31 am | Permalink
  4. blue epiphany wrote:

    Goddammit. Now every time I see a Skittles commercial I’m going to think of spunk. Skittles – taste the rainbow.

    Ewwwwwwwwww.

    Wednesday, April 15, 2009 at 7:25 am | Permalink
  5. Michelle wrote:

    Very wise and useful set of lessons. I approve :)

    Wednesday, April 15, 2009 at 10:38 am | Permalink
  6. Laurakeet wrote:

    Ha, thanks for this snarky response! I just wrote about this very thing, over on Shakespeare’s Sister. Here’s the linky-doo. http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/04/what-about-boys-part-one-billion.html

    Wednesday, April 15, 2009 at 3:46 pm | Permalink
  7. She-cago wrote:

    AHAAHHAHAAHHAHAHA you are awesome!

    Friday, April 17, 2009 at 9:47 am | Permalink
  8. Sady wrote:

    @snobographer: Aw, thanks. Parents of the world: ENTRUST YOUR TEENS TO ME! I PROMISE THERE WILL BE AN APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF YELLING.

    @Blue Epiphany: Is there any way we can turn “Skittle” into the verb? As in, “he’s a quick Skittler,” or “and then he Skittled?” I am pretty sure this could take American slang by storm, were we to promote it.

    @Laurakeet: I read it! It was good! I was glad I was not the only one to find it weirdly incomplete!

    Friday, April 17, 2009 at 1:01 pm | Permalink
  9. Anonymous wrote:

    As a male, it does irk me when just because I am a male, I’m seen as a potential threat. It also irks me when articles assume that I want to sleep with women. Not all us boys swing that way!

    Friday, April 17, 2009 at 10:08 pm | Permalink
  10. Sady wrote:

    @Anonymous: Yeah, I agree, that’s rough, but the fact that people (and specifically women) see men as a potential threat is kind of the inevitable consequence of living in a world where so many women are hurt by men, and where men are generally socialized to be more comfortable with physical violence and confrontation than women. There’s also the fact that boys are socialized specifically to disrespect girls, and that this affects dating and social life. The statistics on dating violence and sexual assault amongst teens, if I recall, are really overwhelming, and as with adults the majority of the abuse is directed by boys at girls. THAT is the problem, not parents or educators specifically confronting that socialization and telling boys that it’s fucked up. The more well-educated boys there are out there, taking part not only in personally abstaining from violence but from intervening when they see gendered or sexualized violence about to take place, the less men will be seen as threats.

    Your second point is well-taken, and something I worried about when writing the article. I will update the post now!

    Saturday, April 18, 2009 at 7:20 am | Permalink
  11. Renee wrote:

    Yes 100X to this post. We need to tell children the truth so that they can make responsible sexual decisions. I have been talking to my son about sex since he was three in language that he could understand. I never wanted it to be a taboo subject with him. I don’t want to be an early grandmother nor do I want to be getting him AZT because he contracted AIDS. When people see the costs of being dishonest I don’t see why they are willing to risk their children by holding onto an outdated moral code.

    Monday, April 20, 2009 at 5:40 pm | Permalink
  12. Ayprel wrote:

    Great post!

    Monday, April 20, 2009 at 5:47 pm | Permalink
  13. Doctor Science wrote:

    Speaking as the parent of two girls, one post-teen and one pre-teen: MAY I CLONE YOU FOR USE IN SCHOOLS?

    Seriously, the schools are full of these motivational posters, or posters full of Useful Information For Young Persons — but now what I want to do is make this into a series of posters (point 1, point 2, etc.) to put up around the high school. hmmmmm.

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 6:06 am | Permalink
  14. Isa wrote:

    Spectacular, I have just now fallen quite desperately in love with you. For realsies.

    Friday, April 24, 2009 at 7:59 pm | Permalink
  15. tinfoil hattie wrote:

    Oh this is AWESOME. I am sitting my 12-year-old son down in front of this post when he gets home from school.

    Thursday, April 30, 2009 at 12:20 pm | Permalink
  16. Nina wrote:

    THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. Also, love!

    Saturday, June 6, 2009 at 2:08 pm | Permalink