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Tiger Beatdown Explains It All

You know, people, Tiger Beatdown is a social service. That is why I make a point of frequently checking the search terms people use to find it! It appears that, along with your more common random-phrase searches, such as “boy pleasure of the flesh” (huh), “cheap vagina tighter creams” (ick), “picture of women showing there boobies” (try searching for “pornography,” my underage friend!) and “sexy decapitated woman” (AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHH), several people actually do type WHOLE ENTIRE QUESTIONS into the Google. Those questions lead them here, because they are misguided.

Well, accidental blog-readers, today is the day I answer you! Lo and behold, my very first Google-generated advice column, for the masses.

#1: do you really crap when you die

Excellent question, Timmy! Not only do you crap when you die (sometimes, or so I hear) you actually crap at regular intervals throughout your time as a living person. Crapping is very important, which is why you need to get plenty of fiber and preferably live in a home with modern plumbing.

This brings me to a very important point: the issue of why I smell so bad today. I smell very bad! The reason for this is quite simple: last night, while watching scary movies and contemplating whether to start a Tumblr (answer: yes), I heard a tremendous crashing noise coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE OH MY GOD OH MY FUCKING GOD, and naturally assumed that someone was coming to murder me. I didn’t want to make a big deal of that, though, because if I did that and then ended up not murdered I would be somewhat embarrassed, and so I cradled my phone in my hand (on the theory that, if I were murdered, I could… call someone to chat about it? I guess?) and locked my bedroom door and went to sleep. When I woke up, I found that I had not been murdered, and so went to investigate the source of the noise and/or take a shower, at which point I found that MY BATHROOM CEILING HAD COLLAPSED and a very large chunk of it had fallen off and into my bathtub, which made showering impractical.

And that is why I smell bad. Just a little human-interest story for you, there! Yes, you could argue that I’ve wasted your time with this, Timmy; I think we can agree, however, that the more important issue is that you have wasted mine. NEXT!

#2: does a&p support patriarchy?

A&P is a store which is inextricably bound to modern capitalism, which is in turn patriarchal. So, yes! Burn it. BURN IT TO THE GROUND. However, I suspect that you are not asking about A&P, but are in fact one of the nine million high school and college students who have Googled the short story “A&P” in order to plagiarize the essay that your teacher assigned you directly following the death of its author, John Updike. In that case, you should know that the short story “A&P,” which is rich in psychological content, symbolism, unreliable narrators, and other important literary qualities, is about a talking giraffe named Irving and how he breaks out of the zoo to rescue the beautiful Princess Patriarchy and become the 14th Wizard of Karthlingdome. Also, Harry Potter’s in it. NEXT!

#3: does april die in revolutionary road

So. Many. Iterations. Of. This. Question. So, for all of you: hoo boy, yes. She dies, her fetus dies, hope dies, love dies, the American Dream of moving to the suburbs and not eventually realizing how boring you are and how much you hate your spouse dies, it’s death death death all the way down. Oh, and then Frank Wheeler throws his magical necklace into the sea after telling the surprisingly salty tale of their courtship to a couple of pervs and/or Bill Paxton. Enjoy!

#4: does max hardcore rape women

This is actually a serious question, so: yes, he does. For more, read this.

#5a. does phillip roth beat women?
#5b. john updike how tall?

Excellent and pertinent questions, both! On Phillip Roth; don’t know, hope not, sure does write some lady-hating books, though. On John Updike: he was tall, apparently, but now he is dead, leaving to readers of future generation only his vast catalogue of lady-hating books, which they will maybe pretend they’ve read before Googling plagiarizable essays. Say, do you read that Margaret Atwood lady? She has published many things, and I have never once been moved to wonder whether she beats women! So, read her books instead. Cat’s Eye, that’s a darn fine book for you.

#6: how do i make women think they’re crap?

What a provocative query, Billy! And so politely typed, with the question mark and all! I’ve done some research in this field, so I’m happy to provide you with a reliable and time-tested answer. The best way to make women think they’re crap is to nick yourself all over with razor blades and jump into a tank of sharks. My goodness, will the women in your life ever feel bad about themselves then! Another easy way to make women think they’re crap is to try the hilarious “spilling gasoline on your pants, then lighting your farts” move. It is explosively effective! At damaging women’s self-esteem, that is. Thanks for visiting Tiger Beatdown today, William, and be sure to come again! You know, after the shark thing.

10 Comments

  1. Louisa wrote:

    thank you for this.

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 10:56 am | Permalink
  2. Sabertooth Screaming Lemur wrote:

    If you listen closely, you can hear an odd sound from far away.
    That sound would be my brain, snapping.

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 11:45 am | Permalink
  3. Vertigo wrote:

    Love your blog!

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 12:10 pm | Permalink
  4. metalsunflower wrote:

    Hehe! And I thought I was the only one to get questions of that calibre!

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 1:37 pm | Permalink
  5. Michelle wrote:

    These people are so fortunate they actually came across a blog that would answer their questions, how cool are you? Lucky them.

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 1:42 pm | Permalink
  6. mir wrote:

    That Max Hardcore post of yours nearly killed me. The level of savagery and horror people PAY MONEY to see inflicted on women. In their stead. Vicariously puking on and beating and raping women, just SHREDDING them. What the fuck. I mean Jesus. What kind of a world do we oh wait, yeah. But JESUS.

    And let Timmy know that often the ladypeople crap themselves when they give birth. I did. Not a single soul gave me the heads up.

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 4:07 pm | Permalink
  7. Lisa wrote:

    The more you know.

    :P

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 4:41 pm | Permalink
  8. Anonymous wrote:

    Is it intentional that when I leave the mouse hovering over the text in this entry an alt-text box pops up that says “boy pleasure of the flesh”?

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009 at 4:43 pm | Permalink
  9. Masha wrote:

    This post is making me giggle endlessly and gleefully.

    Wednesday, May 20, 2009 at 3:34 am | Permalink
  10. oriniwen wrote:

    De-lurking to let you know, Sady, that I love you and want to scrapbook the pictures of your last vacation. Using my own stickers!

    Friday, May 22, 2009 at 12:29 pm | Permalink