Skip to content

Everyone Can Succeed! But Not, You Know, At Music!

Oh my god. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. The best thing ever has happened. Are you ready for it? BECAUSE HERE IT IS:

Okay. I am aware – thanks to numerous posts on the subject – that some of you may not be able to make it all the way through this without having a rage-based aneurysm. Others may simply object to awful rapping! Therefore, I shall provide you with some of the highlights.

0:40: He is one man! (Well, two. I guess.) He is outnumbered! He is the Miss California!

0:45: “Can’t support abortion and call yourself a Christian” = BABY WEARING SANTA HAT! Don’t abort! Think of the Santa babies!

0:53: Black-and-white “SOCIALISM” graphic. Seemingly unrelated to lyrics. Still awesome.

1:09: Oh God! The other, taller guy started rapping! He is even more terrible! Thank you, Internet, for giving me this beautiful gift. The tears you see, streaming down my face? They are tears of joy.

1:15: DRILL, BABY, DRILL. Yessssssssssssssssssss.

1:16: Ha ha, I don’t hate you, Giant Conservative. Even though you are praying for me. I hope you live a long, happy life, and continue to think you have various talents that you do not actually have, so that you can post videos of them on YouTube. Young Conservative Rodeo Clowns, anyone?

1:32: “We need more women with intellectual integrity.” Women like Megyn Kelly! Note to Young Conservatives: “intellectual integrity” does not mean “boobies.”

1:51: “The Bible says we’re a people under God.” Um, I think that is the Pledge of Allegiance, actually? WHATEVER.

2:00: Oooooh, fun blurry effect on the word “soldiers” for no reason. We are heading into hardcore “no such thing as discrimination! Because soldiers die sometimes! And God, and the Bible! I’m gonna fuck me a fish” territory now.

2:55: OMG WTF HOLY CRAP THE BRIDGE SUPERMAN WATERBOARDING YAYYYYYYY

3:10: “Jesus, Ronald Reagan, plus Atlas Shrugged.” I LITERALLY JUST SCREAMED AT MY DESK. I CAN’T LET GO OF THE ALL CAPS. I THINK I MIGHT PEE MYSELF. THIS IS TOO EXCITING.

3:58: Oh no! They turned into photo negatives, then the song ended! Now it is just a minute and a half of a black screen. You guys. HAS THE LIBERAL ESTABLISHMENT SILENCED THE YOUNG CONS?

4:38: Click: play. Again.

19 Comments

  1. susanreads wrote:

    Do you think you could add a strobe warning? I was reading your commentary, not actually watching the thing, but ow my eyes. Some people could have a real problem with that.

    I usually can’t make out most of the words in rap. In this case I wish it was more incomprehensible.

    Friday, May 29, 2009 at 2:54 pm | Permalink
  2. Cait wrote:

    Oh, goddess.

    Just…I…can’t…brains on the keyboard.

    BRAINS!

    Friday, May 29, 2009 at 3:09 pm | Permalink
  3. Bettina Fairchild wrote:

    “Great like the Gatsby”????? WTF? Have they even READ the book?

    Friday, May 29, 2009 at 4:59 pm | Permalink
  4. Kate wrote:

    This appears to be a parody of itself. It’s mind-bending.

    Friday, May 29, 2009 at 5:19 pm | Permalink
  5. Anonymous wrote:

    I had to rewatch it because I couldn’t see the last half through my tears.

    Friday, May 29, 2009 at 5:24 pm | Permalink
  6. L wrote:

    1:16: Ha ha, I don’t hate you, Giant Conservative. Even though you are praying for me. I hope you live a long, happy life, and continue to think you have various talents that you do not actually have, so that you can post videos of them on YouTube. Young Conservative Rodeo Clowns, anyone?YES PLEASE.

    Also, I think it’s telling that the Giant Conservative starts off by telling us his most unique attribute — that he’s 6’9″. Goes to show: White conservative(? libertarian? I don’t think these dudes can keep their philosophies straight) dudes don’t have a lot of very interesting qualities except their idiotic politics and their freakish abnormalities, which could very well be one and the same.

    Friday, May 29, 2009 at 6:02 pm | Permalink
  7. angryyoungwoman wrote:

    I laughed too hard at the “Jesus, Ronald Reagan, Atlas Shrugged” bit. Because you aren’t a true conservative unless you mention Jesus, Ronald Reagan, and Atlas Shrugged, right?

    Friday, May 29, 2009 at 6:12 pm | Permalink
  8. Sniper wrote:

    I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I got a nosebleed while watching that.

    Friday, May 29, 2009 at 8:11 pm | Permalink
  9. Cait wrote:

    Heh – I got my girlfriend to sit down and watch it with me. I bailed on this yesterday about 1:30 in: she could only make it to 1:15. Of course, it was harder for her, because the laptop was on my lap, and I was laughing so hard it was bouncing around like a young con high on Baby Jesus…

    Saturday, May 30, 2009 at 8:21 am | Permalink
  10. Brigid Keely wrote:

    “Brigid? What… what are you? What are you LISTENING to? What is…? OH MY GOD.”

    Everyone in my apartment busted out laughing at this video, AND the commentary.

    Saturday, May 30, 2009 at 11:18 am | Permalink
  11. snobographer wrote:

    Those sport coats are gangsta!

    Saturday, May 30, 2009 at 4:47 pm | Permalink
  12. Anonymous wrote:

    I’d sure like to know a little background on these two clowns. Any bets that they are pretty well off?

    Saturday, May 30, 2009 at 8:02 pm | Permalink
  13. slythwolf wrote:

    AHAHAHA THE BIBLE OMG WHATEVER. The Bible is not ABOUT YOU, giant white boy. YOU ARE NOT OF SEMITIC ANCESTRY. You are not a member of the PEOPLE the Bible is TALKING ABOUT.

    Saturday, May 30, 2009 at 9:25 pm | Permalink
  14. Helen wrote:

    12 year old son: “That sounds like one of those spoof-y things.”
    Me: “Sadly,no, it’s meant to be serious.”
    12YOs: “Really???!”

    Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 12:15 am | Permalink
  15. Gray wrote:

    Looks like the last 90 seconds are the best part of the clip! There, the makers clearly show what right wingers have to offer to the US: Absolutely nothing!
    :D

    Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 1:49 am | Permalink
  16. Vertigo wrote:

    but is this a parody or are they serious? :/

    Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 4:53 am | Permalink
  17. Renee wrote:

    I see this is nothing more than a this is your brain on stupid commercial. From the terrible dancing, and the ridiculous commentary it is clear that when conservatives fail, they make sure they fall hard.

    Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 9:41 am | Permalink
  18. tessarae wrote:

    oh, god. oh, GOD.

    sady, your deliciously hilarious commentary is the only way i could listen to this. “great like the gatsby” almost made ME pee myself.

    Monday, June 1, 2009 at 8:21 am | Permalink
  19. belledame222 wrote:

    as noted by another commenter at my own “say wha?” post on this: also kind of reminiscent of this.

    Monday, June 1, 2009 at 11:23 pm | Permalink