Friends, I received a comment today! A comment that was six hundred and fifty-one words long! Now, normally I would just be like, “whoops, looks like someone doesn’t know how ‘blogs’ work.” (Did you know, Commenter, that there are whole websites that you can create specifically for the purpose of posting your various thoughts on things?) However, this commenter is important enough that I feel compelled to help him and/or her out, by dedicating an entire blog post to his or her important – nay, revolutionary! – ideas. This commenter, you see, is a dedicated feminist, devoted to destroying the single largest obstacle to women’s equality that currently exists.
The single largest obstacle to women’s equality that currently exists is Tiger Beatdown.
To be more specific, it is Tiger Beatdown’s review of “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.” I know, right? That was not even the meanest review in the series! “Superbad” was the meanest; then, on the “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” thing I basically just lost my mind and was like, FUCK YOU COLLEGE BOYFRIEND AND/OR JASON SEGEL I AM CONVINCED THAT YOU ARE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME GUY ALSO YOUR MOVIE BLOWS. Nevertheless, “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” is the one I destroyed feminism and/or women with!
Now: before I present this comment, I must regretfully tell you that the staunch feminist ally who wrote it is Anonymous. Yes, an Anonymous Commenter, or “AC” for short. So, let’s just fix “AC” in your mind, so that you have a clear mental image of this person. “AC.” “AC.” “AC.” AC:
Good to see that you’ve dispelled the offensive, unfounded stereotype that feminists lack a sense of humor. What incisive commentary!
Why, thank you! I have dispelled that stereotype, haven’t I? And all by myself, too. Heyyyyy, wait a minute…
I thought 40 Y/O Virgin was a fairly standard comedy that derived its humor from hyperbolizing the way men think and talk about sex. I thought the ultimate “lesson” of the movie, if it had one, was that mutual respect is the foundation of a sexually-fulfilling relationship. Little did I realize that the film was, to misquote Bunuel, “a passionate call to rape and abuse.” I mean, we’ve all seen the troubling statistics on the sharp rise in home invasion sexual assualts that took place in the aftermath of this film, but I never understood why until now. The pieces finally fit! Praise the Lord and pass the labrys!
You guys, I think this person might be making fun of me! It is hard to tell, because it is so subtle! Is there any way you can spend over 500 words on making your point clearer, Anonymous Commenter?
I was also really excited by the novel presentation of this piece. Rather than succumbing to the use of transparent, unfunny sarcasm and half-baked reactionary ideas [which perpetuate the unfortunate idea that women generally are passive aggressive and that feminists in particular are pseudo-intellectual idiots], you offered an unbiased commentary without any indicia of a censorship agenda.
Yeah, AC’s definitely making fun of me. How could AC have missed my clear censorship agenda? Has AC forgotten that I personally burned all copies of “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” and made laughing at Steve Carell punishable by death in my recently-created totalitarian regime? Well, thank God AC would never stoop so low as to use “transparent, unfunny” sarcasm to make a point! That is for passive-aggressive idiots! And TERRORISTS.
[Blah blah blah] syncophantic commentators [blah blah blah] right-wing religious types, or gun nuts, or racists, or fanatical adherents to any “ism” of any other strip, feminists [blah blah blah]. If we watch things like this despicable, hateful film to make an independent judgment, there’ll be anarchy in the streets [blah].
Whew. Thank God I didn’t watch this film to make an independent judgment or anything. Who knows what damage I may have caused! For example, I might have single-handedly destroyed feminism!
[Blah blah blibbity blabbity bloop bleep blorp]... know what? Upon further consideration, I’m afraid that you and your readers are fucking stupid enough to take the foregoing seriously, so I’ll just make it plain: you are an idiot, and an asshole to boot.
WHAT? Oh no! You fooled me before! With the sarcasm!
It’s self-described “feminists” like you that make the rest of us look stupid and crazy. You are the Hulga/Joy Hopewell of feminism: a smug, self-involved, miserable bitch with no practical knowledge of how the world works.
Yes, but such a fine short story could be made of my life, don’t you think? Also, a PJ Harvey song, which I quite enjoy! Is This Desire is sort of an overlooked album, for me. I rarely listen to it, but when I do, I always…
… oh, OK. AC has now dropped both a Flannery O’Connor reference and a Bunuel reference into his or her anonymous “you’re a bitch and I hate you” Internet comment. This signifies, for the record, that AC wants to be taken seriously, on an intellectual level; also, that he or she has literally no sense of irony or absurdity whatsoever. So, I will now engage with his or her argument, seriously and with full intellectual pomposity. Although, for the record? You didn’t need to try this hard, buddy. The “lol you r dumb” commenters are typically just as convincing, and much more concise.
Do you really think that the quasi-academic deconstruction of a harmless comedy is going to change anything? Do you think being hypersensitive and whiny and humorless is going to make the rest of the world take real feminist issues more seriously?
Ummmmm… yes! Wait…. no! Wait…. it’s a pointless rhetorical question based on misreading and stereotyping my argument, as well as pulling every cliched anti-feminist silencing trope you can find out of your butt, and is so broad as to be entirely unconvincing because it relates to the actual words I have written only vaguely and seems primarily to be fueled by some feelings of animosity toward me personally or toward feminists and/or women in general!
Of course not!
Simpering about how some movie hurt your feelings because you didn’t like it just feeds all those stereotypes about women [emotional, irrational] and feminism [unnecessary, irrelevant to real issues, a forum to bitch rather than take action] that real feminists have been fighting against for decades. As you were amusing yourself by dropping f-bombs and making bold pronouncements about your mature sexuality
Ha ha, “fuck.” Ha ha ha. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Hahahahahaha.
No. REALLY? Wait. Nooooooo. I had no idea this was going on! Why didn’t I write about it? WHY?
Is some man in an office somewhere reading this more likely to ignore a female subordinate’s feminist argument in favor of more job responsibility if he thinks feminists are hysterical crybabies? You’re damn right he is.
Okay. Here, we come (finally) to the main point of the argument: Tiger Beatdown, meaning me, is the sole representative of feminism in the world, and as such, responsible for determining the goals and priorities of the movement. Sorry, other feminists! You didn’t make the cut! It’s all about me now, and I say feminism is about buying me a pony!
As the sole representative of feminism (other than AC, who of course is completely devoted to the movement and knows exactly how it should go; this is demonstrated by AC’s commitment to calling other feminists hysterical humorless crybaby bitches on the Internet) I am responsible for convincing everyone in the world to adhere to my and/or AC’s feminist principles. Every blog post I write must encapsulate everything that feminism is about; I may never be allowed to write something silly or pop-culture focused, as an unidentified and extremely gullible businessman (OK, Emily Gould: YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT BOB, I am sorry) could choose any one of my blog posts to form his ideas about the female gender. It is my responsibility to incarnate all womanly virtue, and to behave in a manner that ensures I will never be stereotyped – since, as we all know, when a member of an oppressed group is stereotyped, he or she is in complete control of this, and in fact makes it happen, and the stereotyping party is a blank slate with no pre-determined agendas (or, “prejudices”) – and, should I ever falter in this mission, women will magically become oppressed through my actions.
There are no other feminists. There is no such thing as pre-existing prejudice or privilege. People are incapable of surveying the huge and diverse feminist movement and determining that there are differences of opinion within it, and that debate is encouraged, and that they cannot and should not form their ideas about feminism from my work alone. My job is to behave properly at all times, or I and all other women will be subject to oppression, which is our fault for not being good girls and laughing at boys’ jokes.
Nope, I can’t see anything sexist about this argument whatsoever. Let’s tune in to AC’s concluding words:
Grow up, get out of your ivory tower, get off your ass, and fucking do something!
Yes. DO SOMETHING! Do something important! Like, LEAVING ANONYMOUS MEAN COMMENTS ON BLOG POSTS! That will save the world!