You know, my fellow lady-people, it has been a bit stressful around the old Tiger Beatdown lately. The post window: it glowers at me. It is like, WHO WILL YOU PISS OFF NEXT, LADY???? And I am like, “well, no-one, unless they learn about my vicious dog-on-baby-fighting ring.” Oh, no! Wait! I meant, “my extensive collection of pornography!” Oh, CRAP! What I meant was, “my extensive collection of videotapes featuring dogs fighting babies!”
Ha ha, yes. A TIME WHEN MEN WERE MEN. And not ladies! When they did not drink their vodka out of “delicately painted [like a lady would paint them] pink [like a lady would enjoy] * perfume [like a lady would wear] bottles.” Ha ha, yes, the epidemic of vodka served in “painted perfume bottles” is quite disastrous for femininity. And drinking! The atomizer: it doesn’t dispense much booze per squirt!
Here is also a fun thing to notice: the THERE WAS A TIME thing. Remember when men were men? Real live masculine manly men of manhood and manliness? Boy, doesn’t it suck that men aren’t men any more, and they have to be less manly and manful in their day-to-day interactions? It’s almost as if many men fetishize a foregone time when male privilege was entirely unhampered and ran rampant (LIKE GODZILLA) through the streets and no-one ever questioned it and the performance of traditional highly privileged masculinity was never challenged! I wonder what could have brought this glorious time to an end?
Oh, shit, yeah. Right. Anyway, this beautiful time of untrammeled, pre-feminist, pre-ladyfied manhood existed once. And it can exist AGAIN! If – and only if – you purchase and consume Ketel One vodka! Which is a colorless and mostly tasteless liquid that can be mixed with any drink, up to and including the uber-ladyfying Cosmo. Or APPLE MARTINI.
Ha ha, yeah, it’s really silly to think that a drink can be gendered, right? Or that it can gender you. In fact, I’m going to drink some Ketel One vodka right now, just to prove you a point: that it does not in fact affect my gender presentation whatsoever. Here I am, prior to drinking Ketel One:
OH HOLY CRAP. How did this even happen?!? I take it back, you guys: Ketel One is definitely the manliest vodka that ever manned a man up to manliness. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to book a ticket to Hawai’i.
* UPDATE: The ad totally doesn’t actually say “pink,” by the way! I’ve re-watched it several times to verify this. The thing is, I’ve seen it many a time, and I always, always, always hear the word “pink” in there. There’s a weird pause between “painted [like a lady]” and “perfume [which is a lady thing].” So I just HEARD THE WORD AND/OR COLOR “PINK” USED AS A NEGATIVE in that space. This ad is so manly it can actually project sexist concepts right into your brain! Beware!