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Where In The World Is Tiger Beatdown?

Tiger Beatdown is on a vacation! Or, “blogcation.” Or, no, “vacation,” actually. What does this mean for you? It means that I will be summering in exotic Queens and trying to figure out some basic junk about how to move the site over to a different location, etc. But not posting things on the blog itself! Until Friday!

Anyway, since I will not be here to share my very important reflections on the Ladybusiness, I figured you should meet my substitute. His name is… oh, let’s say Chet. He is Hal Sparks’ weirder-looking cousin, and he has thoughts to share. Here are his thoughts!

Do you know why Chet does not have a girlfriend? Did you guess FEMINISM? Yeah, okay, me neither. It turns out to have something to do with toasters and his grandma, in the long run.

23 Comments

  1. Susanna wrote:

    Wow. WOW.I just cannot understand why Chet's girlfriend left him.

    Luckily for Chet, since he "gets better as he gets older" (unlike the ladies, who lose their looks, which is, let's face it, all they had going for them in the first place) he is sure to snare a lovely young toaster, er, Lady, soon, even if he does indeed need to "move to another country" to do so. America's loss…

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 9:59 am | Permalink
  2. Susanna wrote:

    PS.

    "which is" –> "which ARE", duh.
    and, happy Vacation Sady.

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 10:05 am | Permalink
  3. ChelseaWantsOut wrote:

    Oh, shit! I spent my teens and early twenties running around becoming used goods! Now, no man will have me! Except, wait, I'm married. Well, then, it's totally sad for my husband that we're only going to be together for seven years before I leave him for someone else. Except, wait, I won't be able to get anyone else because I will have passed my use-by date and he will just have gotten better with age, so even if we did get divorced he'd be totally fine. I'm confused!

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 10:24 am | Permalink
  4. Vertigo wrote:

    …so he wants a toaster?…

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 10:34 am | Permalink
  5. PMS Rhino wrote:

    Oh fiddle sticks. I lost my comment I just wrote. :(

    So we have both "but what about teh menz?!" and "I'm a nice guy! Why don't women want to have sex with (or I guess in his case marry) me?!" Quite an awesome and potent combo there.

    And really, only people from non-divorced families can have those keys to a good relationship? Communicating is something ONLY learned in a non-divorced family? Soooo I guess my only child/from a divorced family boyfriend was lying to me all this time about being from a divorced family? *gasp!* He's got a secret loving together family somewhere he's hiding from me?!

    Or does this only apply to women, Chet? Because, you know, women are SOOOO DUMB and SOOO FEMINIST that we just can't overcome anything that happens to us at all. Unlike you awesome, independent, and totally faultless men. -_-

    Lol, and sadly it took me a few minutes to catch onto the sarcasm in the paragraph above about Chet being your sub. About three minutes in I was like "Oh… I see what you did there." :P

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 11:06 am | Permalink
  6. Canomia wrote:

    Oh crap Sady, you just lured me into a comment-battle with some dude on myspce called tmotofga who made a videoresponse to our friend Chet where he basicly says that all women ever want or should want is marriage and if they sleep with you the first night they skanks and oh he can totly say that cuz sociaty made the rules about who is a skank and who just got some.

    He probably just wants a nice toaster as well.

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 2:12 pm | Permalink
  7. Mocha wrote:

    That is quite possibly the least organized rant that I have watched. I will gladly buy the guy a toaster, break it, and then fix it if he'll write an outline and follow it for his next spiel.

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 3:40 pm | Permalink
  8. Roxie wrote:

    That was a hot incoherent mess.

    Things I Can't Believe He Said:
    "Feministic"
    "I'm already disadvantaged in this country"
    "[Women] become used goods"

    His paranoia & trust issues shine brightly. It's also amazing his answers his own question talking about doing things that he was TOLD women want. He did not ever consider that the things he told might not apply to all women? So then he is surprised that this is not what she wants….so it must be her fault?

    It's cool though. It's like a huge "DO NOT DATE" flashing neon sign.

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 3:51 pm | Permalink
  9. Rex wrote:

    HEY, CHET!

    Maybe she was just not that into you?

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 4:00 pm | Permalink
  10. Nanella wrote:

    I'm frankly astonished that Chet's ex failed to grasp the fundamental principle that relationships are supposed to LAST FOREVER. Like toasters and TVs, and Herpes. You make the decision to be with someone and you STICK WITH IT. When you have a problem, you SIT DOWN. You don't stand, dammit. Standing never solved a thing.

    The saddest thing of all is that these MRA-types, if you really listen to what they're saying, you can tell that they're imprisoned in a mental torture chamber of their own making, unable to deal with their heartbreak like rational, mature adults, unable to deal with reality on reality's terms, unable to move forward. Chet honestly believes that committing to one another for ETERNITY is the solution to any relationship problems that may arise. He can't face the fact that it sometimes takes people a while to figure out that they're with the wrong person, that when women commit infidelity it's often an easy out of a dysfunctional and/or dissatisfying relationship. That doesn't make it any less despicable as a means of ending a relationship, but not all women are mature enough to disengage from their relationships with dignity and grace, just as not all men are mature enough to confront their emotional pain head-on rather than lash out misguidedly at a convenient target.

    Have fun on vacation! Just don't go getting any funny ideas about running away and never returning because everyone knows that once you start a blog, you are committed to it FOREVER AND EVER. Remember, once you are over 30, no other blog will have you, you decrepit, unsightly old hag.

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 4:46 pm | Permalink
  11. napthia9 wrote:

    He's disillusioned with the whole "woman subject"?

    What a coincidence! I am disillusioned with the whole "Chet subject!"

    Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 8:49 pm | Permalink
  12. attack_laurel wrote:

    Long-time reader, first time commenter (because I usually read at work, which won't let me comment):

    First, your blog is Love, Sady. I adore it. Second, this "used goods" thing drives me up the wall. My grandfather told my mother that, and she's the most awesome, talented, brilliant woman in the world (not to mention an awesome second-wave feminist, carving out a serious journalism career in the '50s through to today while raising three kids on her own). Women have nice ladybits, to be sure, but guys that think those ladybits should be encased in sterile wrapping with a "sanitized for your enjoyment" sticker on them until said guy is ready to play with them are, to put it mildly, fucked in the head.

    Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 8:08 am | Permalink
  13. Amanda wrote:

    I stopped listening after he referred to women as "used goods."

    Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 8:55 am | Permalink
  14. gmonkey42 wrote:

    I don't think that's entirely fair to Hal Sparks, he's much cuter than this guy.

    I'd comment on what he said but I couldn't tolerate more than about a minute. I tried to stop the video but my browser chose that moment to freeze. But the video kept playing! And I was like AAAARGH! for a second until I had the presence of mind to hit the mute button on my speakers.

    Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 10:38 am | Permalink
  15. Esme wrote:

    What the heck is "feministic"

    Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 12:56 pm | Permalink
  16. snobographer wrote:

    So what was preventing Chet's grandma from running off and taking grandpa Chet for half of everything if she wanted to anyway? Lack of a no-fault divorce option and paid employment prospects? So she was trapped then. Just like we like our wimmin. Sweet.

    Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 2:57 pm | Permalink
  17. snobographer wrote:

    So what was preventing Chet's grandma from running off and taking grandpa-Chet for half of everything if she wanted to? Lack of a no-fault divorce option and paid employment prospects? So she was trapped, then. Just like we like our wimin. Sweet.

    Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 2:59 pm | Permalink
  18. Ashley wrote:

    Sady, thanks to your love advice, I now know that Chet is my soulmate! Had I not known that aversion to a man indicates compatibility, I would have thought that Chet was simply a misogynist who bases his hostility toward all women on a single bad experience with one woman, as if women are a monolithic, inhuman mass of groupthink rather than individual human beings with unique qualities and experiences. Because of your advice, I now realize that Chet is simply misunderstood (and very well read!), and that the men I am attracted to have certain unspecified flaws. I can't wait to hear more about Chet's vampire puppet musical.

    Thank you for bringing us together.

    Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 3:06 pm | Permalink
  19. Anonymous wrote:

    I'm sorry, WHAT?

    "Once you finally understand feminism." He should maybe work on that a little more, because no matter how traditionally or aggressively you live feminisim, nothing he said sounded REMOTELY like feminism. From any point of view. Stupid, whiny little boy. Not to mention how he doesn't seem to realize that what he is saying is that YOUNG(er) women (teens-20s) don't want to commit. Men are never "expected" to settle down young (even though he apparently wants to), but I guess WE should, especially with some old guy who has just gotten better with age. Why shouldn't women of any age have fun/experience life when and how they want to? But no, apparently it is all women's fault (AGAIN) for destroying the moral fabric of our society. (Mild off-topic: does he realize that men being against marriage is not a new concept? Eternal bachelors vs. spinsters?)

    Another thing, since he is so "disillusioned" with women/feminism, it's odd how at the end, he still manages to "preach" to the women, warning us that it will be our loss once we have squandered our good looks in our young, wild flings.

    If our loss is him, good riddance. Moron.

    Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 6:07 pm | Permalink
  20. HappeningtodayHappeningnow wrote:

    I thought he started off making a good point or two, at least, illustrating a perspective that wasn't completely retarded. Once he picked up steam though, it quickly deteriorated into a confusing, nonsensical mess. I think if he wrote down his thoughts carefully, edited them, edited them again, sat on them for a month, edited them again, thought about them some more, and then released them. There'd probably be a worthwhile argument in there somewhere. As it stands, I think he is too near the blast radius of a 'failed' relationship to be given much credibility.

    But I don't think he's an idiot outright, he just kind of sounds like a guy who has a hyperactive brain, thinks too much, and is probably in earnest just trying to figure this shit out. I'd be willing to bet that 6 months from now, or a year from now, once he's had some more time to think and refine his thoughts that he won't come off sounding so weird and disjointed.

    I think he's just someone who is too close to a situation that made him hurt and he's struggling to find a belief system that enables him to get through it. Between now and the time when he is back on his feet, videos like this(unflattering babbling nonsense) will be common.

    Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 7:14 pm | Permalink
  21. snobographer wrote:

    I lost my comment too, but I suppose the comment-losing might have something to do with why you're looking to move the blog.
    My comment was about Chet's grandma being trapped by a lack of no-fault divorce laws and prospects for paid employment. I forget it all now, but I'm sure it was very illuminating.

    Friday, August 14, 2009 at 8:28 am | Permalink
  22. Adrianna wrote:

    I just hate this. This…"Oh, I'm such a NICE guy, I have a RELIGION, I have MORALS, bitchy slutty women made me FORSAKE MY GOOD-NESS and now I treat them like CRAP cause that's what it takes to get LAID"
    Once again, women have all the responsibility of creating well balanced men (USING OUR INHERENT NICENESS) and the men themselves aren't even remotely responsible for the way they treat the women around them

    My dad's first wife left him while he was overseas serving in the U.S. Airforce. She took their only daughter, all their money, and split.

    I have never, NEVER heard him speak ill of women. If I ever heard him use the word "slut" or "whore" I'd die of shock. He loves my mother. He loves me. He believes that women are PEOPLE.

    If he, from a much more conservative generation than ours, can do it, why can't these guys?

    Oh, wait, because they FAIL AT LIFE.

    Friday, August 14, 2009 at 11:53 am | Permalink
  23. orestes wrote:

    So like…relationships are like TOASTERS and in the past you wouldn’t throw a TOASTER away, you would FIX it so like….why are women throwing away perfectly good men when they could just FIX the relationship like a TOASTER? This feministic attitude is what’s wrong with women today. In the past women like my grandmother would stand by their toaster but now I have to move to say Libya or Saudi Arabia or somewhere with a lower divorce rate to have a sporting chance of getting a toaster that hasn’t lost its looks or isn’t used goods. I mean, the divorce rate is WAY LOWER there so that must mean that their view of marriage is much healthier and less feministic.

    Form a queue ladies.

    Friday, August 21, 2009 at 1:09 pm | Permalink