Why, hello! And welcome to New Tiger Beatdown! The post titles, as you can see, are stellar. But: Mad Men began its third season last night. It began its third season, specifically, with a trip into the wacky carnival ride that is Don Draper’s subconscious, in that he was all squinting pensively and flashing back to The Painful Events That Have Defined Him as if he were somehow under the impression that he was starring in Lost.
As with Lost, his flashbacks were really boring and contained basically no new information! (Did you know that Don’s real name is “Dick Whitman?” And that his mom was a sex worker, and died? And that his dad was a jerk? What’s that you say? You totally did know all these things, and have since Season One? Well, here are all these flashbacks about it, anyway!) Here is the information they did contain: Dick was named after his dad’s dick (an object toward which his mother felt no little antipathy), because now apparently Mad Men has entered the REALLY SUPER LITERAL portions of its gender analysis and Don is named, basically, “Penis,” because calling him Mister P.A. Triarchy would just be too subtle.
So, yeah, Don was really the least appealing part of a fairly unappealing episode last night (also: he looked kind of bloated and drunk all the way through, which I am hoping was intentional and not evidence that Jon Hamm has already lost the flower of his youth). The episode did, thankfully, offer up a few not-Don moments: Cooper has tentacle porn, Betty was casually homophobic, Pete did a little dance, and Sal (FINALLY) made out with a dude. Also, we got to see Roger’s “sad meeting” face, which I, for one, appreciated.
At any rate, all of Don’s pensive flashbacks have caused ME to flash back to a different and better time. A time approximately twenty-four hours before the premiere, when I thought the episode would be awesome. A time when I wrote a piece on it for Comment is Free! Read it, won’t you? Share with me these precious memories.