I… love this kid. LOVE HIM. He showed up in my inbox this morning with a message from a concerned friend, reading, “did you by any chance have a son ten years ago that you forgot about?” And my answer to you is, MAYBE!
(Clicking through to the page this is on will bring you a surprise. Good job choosing a classy YouTube name, video-poster!)
Oh, Will Phillips. You tiny infant wonder, you. I agree! You shouldn’t have to stand up during the Pledge of Allegiance! Your country is telling you it values a thing which it manifestly does not value! But also:
- I like how Dad is clearly just thrilled to be on the teevee! And it could be worse, you know, and GOOD JOB with your kid and his enormous startling brain and all. But also, if your kid turns out to be Will Phillips, and your first thought is, “this should be on CNN,” maybe you need to recalibrate your values a bit. Because what you should REALLY be thinking about is how long it’s going to be before your son is crowned Lord Emperor and God-King (a title of his own devising) and rules us all with his diminutive iron fist, and whether or not you have managed to stay on his good side. “Grounded? Oh, no, father. I do not think I am, as you say, ‘grounded.’ TO THE PLAYSTATION MINES WITH HIM!”
- Starting at around 4:15, you will have some guilty yet sympathetic LOLs. “What has the reaction been like from your fellow students?” “Not very good.” OH, FOR REAL? Awww, but it is OK, Will Phillips. I too have been called such names in my lifetime. And you will soon have your revenge! But also, before that is going to happen, you are going to learn some slang, for the path of a tiny bespectacled boy with painfully precise diction and a polysyllabic vocabulary which he arranges into grammatically complete sentences is not an easy one. You think this makes you seem smart! And it does! Because you ARE smart! But seeming smart, in this particular way, also makes the people who witness it TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY ANGRY. Why? I don’t know. Being faced with the prospect of someone smarter than they are makes people act like “smart” is automatically equivalent to “terrible.” You are going to learn the art of linguistic disguise, Will Phillips. For when you learn this, no enemy shall withstand you, and you shall conquer.
- At 6:15, you will sort of want to smack the interviewer a little. “Dear Ten-Year Old, Please answer a question that has been perplexing activists forever, namely: the fact that same-sex marriage initiatives are defeated when put to a vote.” The appropriate answer, of course, is “I don’t fucking know, we need to work on that.” Or perhaps, “putting the equality of a population TO A VOTE has really never led to anything that great, but also: check me out! I’m fucking ten! And also possibly Harry Potter! Maybe when more people MY AGE are voting, the sexual politics of the twentieth century and/or wedge politics won’t be dictating what we do. So, you know. Enjoy the next eight years, old man!”