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Tiger Beatdown Entertainment Presents: MOMMY ISSUES, A Comedy in Two Bros

Hey, guess who is making another movie? Did you guess “that one ‘The Hangover’ dude?”

Yeah, no, me neither. I try not to think about that one dude too much, as it happens! But he is making another movie, in fact. It is called “Due Date!” The synopsis, according to IMDB, is this: “A high-strung father-to-be is forced to hitch a ride with a college slacker on a road trip in order to make it to his child’s birth on time.” Doesn’t that sound fun?

Now, I know that since this movie is in “post-production,” Todd Phillips (AKA That One ‘The Hangover’ Dude) probably has a “script” or a “screenplay” or at the very least a “loose-leaf binder filled with crayon drawings outlining the plot” for this movie. But, you know, just in case he doesn’t, I thought I would write him one! And today, I am giving you a very special sneak preview.

SCENE 1.

HIGH-STRUNG FATHER-TO-BE: Oh, my God! The woman I have impregnated is about to have a baby! I’ve got to get across the country in time to witness the child’s birth! Will you help me, College Slacker on a Road Trip?

COLLEGE SLACKER: Ha ha, I bet your girlfriend has a vagina.

SCENE 2.

SLACKER: So, your girlfriend is going to push a baby out of her vagina. The same vagina you put your penis into. It’s like, her vagina isn’t just for you to put your penis into any more. You’re sharing the vagina. Is that weird for you?

HIGH-STRUNG: Of course not! I’m an adult!

[HIGH-STRUNG stares off into space, pensively.]

SLACKER: Hey, that gas station pump totally looks like a dick.

SCENE 3.

SLACKER: I stuck a pea up my nose.

HIGH-STRUNG: What???! You can’t just stick peas up your nose! Adults don’t do that! Which I know, because I am one!

SLACKER: I was pretending my nose was a vagina. Ha ha. Lady parts. Ha ha ha.

SCENE 4.

SLACKER: I bet if I pushed this pea out of my nose-vagina, it would totally look like your girlfriend’s baby.Which she’ll be pushing out of her vagina, because she has one. Isn’t that weird?

HIGH-STRUNG: That’s it! I’m sick of your irresponsible, laid-back, and carefree attitude!

SLACKER: Uh-oh, dude. I think I see some hijinks up ahead.

SCENE 5.

[Hijinks TBD. Consider: drugs, scary brown people, criminals, automotive mishaps, naked women, naked men, setting shit on fire, mud-wrestling.]

SCENE 6.

HIGH-STRUNG: Well, we certainly came out of that experience with a stronger bond! I’m still not sure about you and all this fun you are always having, though.

SLACKER: Chill out, bro.

SCENE 7.

HIGH-STRUNG: Being a father is a lot of pressure. Pressure I’m eager to take on, because I’m so high-strung! But am I? Am I really? Perhaps I would prefer to chill. And have fun times! Which I couldn’t do, being a father and all.

SLACKER: You ever get the feeling that your dad knew you wanted to sleep with your mom? And he was planning to castrate you for it? And now, you can’t hide from the feeling that any involvement with a woman is, like, basically this profoundly terrifying thing? When I stick my penis in a vagina, I don’t expect it to come out in one piece, is what I’m saying. Hey, that cactus totally looks like a dick.

HIGH-STRUNG: It is certainly a subject to consider, the impending loss of my freedom. Now allow me to polish my fancy shoes, or perhaps obsessively check my BlackBerry, for I am a gigantic wimp and nerd.

SLACKER: Hey, dude. You need to learn to have fun!

SCENE 8.

[Method of learning to have fun TBD. Consider: drugs, naked women, setting shit on fire, mud-wrestling.]

SCENE 9.

HIGH-STRUNG: I basically think that all women are my mother.

SLACKER: Me, too.

HIGH-STRUNG: First I love them for it. Then I punish them for it.

SLACKER: My mom didn’t give me Lucky Charms for breakfast. She made me eat whole-wheat Cheerios instead. Now all I eat is Lucky Charms, all day long.

HIGH-STRUNG: That is exactly like the time my girlfriend told me she did not want me to go see a bunch of strippers.

SCENE 10.

[Strippers TBD.]

SCENE 11.

HIGH-STRUNG: It’s like, why can’t I be the only one who gets to have needs? Why can’t she just take care of me and do exactly what I want her to do at all times, including leaving me alone whenever I want her to, which is often?

SLACKER: Fuck yeah, man. Relationships are so crazy. “Oh, I called you and you didn’t call me back.” “Oh, I don’t feel so great today, tell me I’m pretty.” “Oh, I’m suffering from a major life event and I need your support right now.” “Oh, I’m having a baby and I need you to not be on the other side of the continent when it happens.” Like, WHAT? What’s with all the crazy talk? Why can’t she just be fucking cool, you know?

HIGH-STRUNG: I’m sharing the vagina!

SLACKER: You totally are!

HIGH-STRUNG: And I’m sharing it with her! There’s this whole, like, other person around it! Who needs things! And sometimes the things she needs from me are hard, or not exactly what I want to do, and it’s like, there’s a possibility that if her needs aren’t being met, she’ll get hurt or angry or have emotions, and then I’ll have to deal with those, too! I can’t handle it, man. I totally can’t handle. Why can’t I have the vagina all to myself?

SLACKER: Hey, you want some Lucky Charms?

SCENE 12.

HIGH-STRUNG: I’ve decided I don’t like you any more, again, for some reason.

SLACKER: Chill out, dude. You totally like me.

HIGH-STRUNG: You’re right! How could I ever stay mad at you?

SLACKER: It’s the third act, dude. Shit happens.

SCENE 13.

HIGH-STRUNG: Well, we’ve certainly learned a lot from each other, and bonded, on this road trip!

SLACKER: We totally have, dude. Hey, that skyscraper totally looks like a…

HIGH-STRUNG and SLACKER, in unison: Like a dick.

[Gales of merry laughter from both men ensue.]

HIGH-STRUNG: Why did we come out here again?

SCENE 14.

WOMAN IN LABOR: AAAAAAAGHGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

19 Comments

  1. Sarah TX wrote:

    Excellent. So excellent.

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 2:59 pm | Permalink
  2. Ginger wrote:

    Perfect.

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 3:07 pm | Permalink
  3. SA wrote:

    :-o

    I think the only part you left out was the bit where the audience goes “why don’t you two just kiss already?”

    What I love about this film’s premise, and your all-too-accurate predictions, is how it makes an event that is specific to women (birth) totally male-centric. The woman barely even has to appear in this film except as, like, a panicked and hectoring presence on the phone. Because everyone knows that a film about birth with a woman as the center of the story would be a chick flick. WELL DONE HOLLYWOOD.

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 3:40 pm | Permalink
  4. K wrote:

    This is the greatest thing I’ve seen all day.

    I bet it’s all spot on, too.

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 3:47 pm | Permalink
  5. Bethany wrote:

    With guest appearances from Rob Schneider as Offensive and Inaccurate But Also Agonizingly Unfunny Stereotype, Lacey Chabert as Girlfriend With A Vagina, and Hulk Hogan dispensing relationship advice.

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 3:59 pm | Permalink
  6. Isabel wrote:

    Someone get this woman a screenplay nom, stat!

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 4:45 pm | Permalink
  7. Fuchsia wrote:

    Briefly delurking just to say: This post is very, very amazing and totally made my day. Excellent writing, Sady! :)

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 5:03 pm | Permalink
  8. Luna wrote:

    @Fuchsia: I think Amanda Hess is in fact responsible for this awesome post.

    @Bethany: Hulk Hogan is better than Mike Tyson.

    Also, this is fantastic. All hail.

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 5:44 pm | Permalink
  9. Sady wrote:

    Nope! I, Sady, am the responsible party. Our byline function got jacked up, for whatever reason, so I had to go in and fiddle around with it, before it told everyone that Amanda was writing all our posts. Much as I would like her to write more, I think that would be unfortunate!

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 5:54 pm | Permalink
  10. Luna wrote:

    Oh, right. Sorry Sady! Either way, this post kicks ass.

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 6:30 pm | Permalink
  11. isa wrote:

    i love you.

    Monday, February 15, 2010 at 7:16 pm | Permalink
  12. KatjaE wrote:

    Thank you for this! I totally needed a good laugh!

    Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 8:53 am | Permalink
  13. alanna wrote:

    …and somewhere in Hollywood, a development exec perks up his ears…

    Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 1:03 pm | Permalink
  14. Andrew wrote:

    Hey, did you know that the first movie Todd Phillips ever made was a documentary about GG Allin, that crazy punk rocker guy who liked to take dumps and throw them at his fans mid-concert?

    Kinda explains some things, doesn’t it?

    Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 9:39 pm | Permalink
  15. goldengirl wrote:

    this was amazing. i think you just changed my life. i have _words_ now to put to all the terrible movies people try to make me see. “he’s just pissed cuz he has to share the vag with some woman” accurately describes about 25% of my peers. oh, how i love it when total awesomeness comes out of central ohio :D

    Wednesday, February 17, 2010 at 11:50 am | Permalink
  16. Elizabeth wrote:

    Oh, I am SO SAD that Robert Downey Jr is in this movie. And I’m not even just hearing about it now- I saw a one-line synopsis in Entertainment Weekly like a year ago and my HEART BROKE. And it is still broken. So pretty! Such a good actor! WHY?

    Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 1:24 am | Permalink
  17. Taybeh Chaser wrote:

    That was scarily spot-on, at least I imagine it was. I might actually have to see the movie just to count up how many things you got right.

    Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 10:20 am | Permalink
  18. Steph wrote:

    Now I totally want to see this future lame movie, but only for the purposes of comparing it to this awesome post and then mocking it. And yet, I don’t want to encourage Todd Phillips by giving him money.

    Dilemmas!!

    Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 3:18 pm | Permalink
  19. Nikki wrote:

    Hahaha. effin’ movies….

    Thursday, March 4, 2010 at 2:22 pm | Permalink

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