Tiger Beatdown

Hey, guess who is making another movie? Did you guess “that one ‘The Hangover’ dude?”

Yeah, no, me neither. I try not to think about that one dude too much, as it happens! But he is making another movie, in fact. It is called “Due Date!” The synopsis, according to IMDB, is this: “A high-strung father-to-be is forced to hitch a ride with a college slacker on a road trip in order to make it to his child’s birth on time.” Doesn’t that sound fun?

Now, I know that since this movie is in “post-production,” Todd Phillips (AKA That One ‘The Hangover’ Dude) probably has a “script” or a “screenplay” or at the very least a “loose-leaf binder filled with crayon drawings outlining the plot” for this movie. But, you know, just in case he doesn’t, I thought I would write him one! And today, I am giving you a very special sneak preview.

SCENE 1.

HIGH-STRUNG FATHER-TO-BE: Oh, my God! The woman I have impregnated is about to have a baby! I’ve got to get across the country in time to witness the child’s birth! Will you help me, College Slacker on a Road Trip?

COLLEGE SLACKER: Ha ha, I bet your girlfriend has a vagina.

SCENE 2.

SLACKER: So, your girlfriend is going to push a baby out of her vagina. The same vagina you put your penis into. It’s like, her vagina isn’t just for you to put your penis into any more. You’re sharing the vagina. Is that weird for you?

HIGH-STRUNG: Of course not! I’m an adult!

[HIGH-STRUNG stares off into space, pensively.]

SLACKER: Hey, that gas station pump totally looks like a dick.

SCENE 3.

SLACKER: I stuck a pea up my nose.

HIGH-STRUNG: What???! You can’t just stick peas up your nose! Adults don’t do that! Which I know, because I am one!

SLACKER: I was pretending my nose was a vagina. Ha ha. Lady parts. Ha ha ha.

SCENE 4.

SLACKER: I bet if I pushed this pea out of my nose-vagina, it would totally look like your girlfriend’s baby.Which she’ll be pushing out of her vagina, because she has one. Isn’t that weird?

HIGH-STRUNG: That’s it! I’m sick of your irresponsible, laid-back, and carefree attitude!

SLACKER: Uh-oh, dude. I think I see some hijinks up ahead.

SCENE 5.

[Hijinks TBD. Consider: drugs, scary brown people, criminals, automotive mishaps, naked women, naked men, setting shit on fire, mud-wrestling.]

SCENE 6.

HIGH-STRUNG: Well, we certainly came out of that experience with a stronger bond! I’m still not sure about you and all this fun you are always having, though.

SLACKER: Chill out, bro.

SCENE 7.

HIGH-STRUNG: Being a father is a lot of pressure. Pressure I’m eager to take on, because I’m so high-strung! But am I? Am I really? Perhaps I would prefer to chill. And have fun times! Which I couldn’t do, being a father and all.

SLACKER: You ever get the feeling that your dad knew you wanted to sleep with your mom? And he was planning to castrate you for it? And now, you can’t hide from the feeling that any involvement with a woman is, like, basically this profoundly terrifying thing? When I stick my penis in a vagina, I don’t expect it to come out in one piece, is what I’m saying. Hey, that cactus totally looks like a dick.

HIGH-STRUNG: It is certainly a subject to consider, the impending loss of my freedom. Now allow me to polish my fancy shoes, or perhaps obsessively check my BlackBerry, for I am a gigantic wimp and nerd.

SLACKER: Hey, dude. You need to learn to have fun!

SCENE 8.

[Method of learning to have fun TBD. Consider: drugs, naked women, setting shit on fire, mud-wrestling.]

SCENE 9.

HIGH-STRUNG: I basically think that all women are my mother.

SLACKER: Me, too.

HIGH-STRUNG: First I love them for it. Then I punish them for it.

SLACKER: My mom didn’t give me Lucky Charms for breakfast. She made me eat whole-wheat Cheerios instead. Now all I eat is Lucky Charms, all day long.

HIGH-STRUNG: That is exactly like the time my girlfriend told me she did not want me to go see a bunch of strippers.

SCENE 10.

[Strippers TBD.]

SCENE 11.

HIGH-STRUNG: It’s like, why can’t I be the only one who gets to have needs? Why can’t she just take care of me and do exactly what I want her to do at all times, including leaving me alone whenever I want her to, which is often?

SLACKER: Fuck yeah, man. Relationships are so crazy. “Oh, I called you and you didn’t call me back.” “Oh, I don’t feel so great today, tell me I’m pretty.” “Oh, I’m suffering from a major life event and I need your support right now.” “Oh, I’m having a baby and I need you to not be on the other side of the continent when it happens.” Like, WHAT? What’s with all the crazy talk? Why can’t she just be fucking cool, you know?

HIGH-STRUNG: I’m sharing the vagina!

SLACKER: You totally are!

HIGH-STRUNG: And I’m sharing it with her! There’s this whole, like, other person around it! Who needs things! And sometimes the things she needs from me are hard, or not exactly what I want to do, and it’s like, there’s a possibility that if her needs aren’t being met, she’ll get hurt or angry or have emotions, and then I’ll have to deal with those, too! I can’t handle it, man. I totally can’t handle. Why can’t I have the vagina all to myself?

SLACKER: Hey, you want some Lucky Charms?

SCENE 12.

HIGH-STRUNG: I’ve decided I don’t like you any more, again, for some reason.

SLACKER: Chill out, dude. You totally like me.

HIGH-STRUNG: You’re right! How could I ever stay mad at you?

SLACKER: It’s the third act, dude. Shit happens.

SCENE 13.

HIGH-STRUNG: Well, we’ve certainly learned a lot from each other, and bonded, on this road trip!

SLACKER: We totally have, dude. Hey, that skyscraper totally looks like a…

HIGH-STRUNG and SLACKER, in unison: Like a dick.

[Gales of merry laughter from both men ensue.]

HIGH-STRUNG: Why did we come out here again?

SCENE 14.

WOMAN IN LABOR: AAAAAAAGHGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!