It was morning. Sady Doyle, industrious yet sensual blogtrepreneur and owner of Tiger Beatdown Industries, gazed out upon the skyline of New York through her kitchen window. A cigarette dangled, sensually, from her lips as she took in the view. Each building was strong and erect, built on strong and unyielding rods of steel, and strong, impenetrable slabs of granite and glass, thrusting its way up, always up, like progress, and also like boners. She was very aroused.
Men built these buildings, Sady Doyle thought. With their strong, rough hands, and their willfull, domineering minds, they created these giant erections which pleasure me so much now. Men built every single one of these buildings, including that ugly high-rise that is currently blocking my view of the Chrysler Building. That ugly high-rise is the symbol of man’s refusal to submit to my womanly desires. I worship the strong and dominating men who erected that ugly high-rise. Man, I am so turned on.
“The Week in Patriarchy is in the queue now,” B. Michael said, mockingly, from behind her.
Sady Doyle whirled about, to face B. Michael. How dare he also be in the kitchen? The kitchen was hers! She made ramen there! And yet, she secretly welcomed this violation of her womanly boundaries. Willfully, with her will, which was the essence of man’s godly power to achieve, she pushed the thought of her pleasure in uninvited kitchen visits aside, so that it could resurface as a revelation in the third act.
“Do you know what I’m going to do to that blog post, B. Michael?” Sady Doyle drawled, arrogantly. “I am going to check it to make sure the links work okay. Then I’m going to make a slight change in two sentences. Then I’m going to click ‘publish.’ And do you know why?”
B. Michael was silent. His silence was arrogant and knowing.
“Because it gives me pleasure to make you serve me,” Sady Doyle declared. “Because I know that, despite my growing suspicions that you are a hyper-capitalist Superman who could totally boss me around the way all women are secretly into, I can break your damnable arrogance and make you submit to the ways of the world, which is run by Communists with bad taste in architecture. You are no different than the ugly-building-loving Communists I meet every day, who do not boss me around, because they are gigantic wusses. And I will prove it to you.”
B. Michael gave Sady Doyle a weird look. It’s as if he knows! Sady Doyle thought. It’s as if he knows that I am a liar, and that I and all women secretly want him to boss us around!
“I am going to play video games now,” B. Michael said, sneering.
“Men built those video games, you know,” said Sady Doyle, also sneering. Both of them were sneering. It was very arrogant and mocking and sensual. “And now, I will write the intro to Sexist Beatdown, the recurring blog feature I write with Amanda Hess, the brilliant and sensual blogdustrialist of The Sexist, who is unfortunately also a woman. It’s about Ayn Rand this week.”
“Do you mean Ayn Rand, the greatest philosopher of all time, whose razor-sharp novels of ideas showed us, with their brilliant and uncompromising prose, the way out of a collapsing society dominated by bad architecture and Communist welfare moochers?”
“No,” said Sady Doyle. “I mean the one who wrote The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.“
ILLUSTRATION: BEHOLD THE GOOFY HAT OF THE UBERMENSCH
SADY: AYN RAND! AYN RAND AYN RAND.
AMANDA: Enough! I am overcome by the urge to be sexually conquered by the small group of captains of industry who I believe to be my intellectual superiors!
SADY: A superior woman, I see! Unlike the puling mewling soft-featured panderers of compassion and mooching! And, like, school lunches! Wicked inferior greed-children, feeding on the lunches of the elite!
AMANDA: It takes a special woman indeed to earn a hate fuck from that guy from One Tree Hill.
SADY: This was always my favorite part of Ayn Rand: There’s always ONE WOMAN who is, like, super-smart and super-competent and super-skilled at all this industry stuff that everyone else sucks at because they’re socialists. (Also, this woman is always thin and “angular.” “Angular” is the key defining visual attribute of Virtue, in the Rand lexicography.) She is, explicitly, better at this than every man in the entire world. EXCEPT FOR HER BOYFRIEND! He chooses her to smack around or rape or whatever (AND SHE LOVES IT) because that is how very superior she is. Like, I’d really rather NOT be superior if it means getting slapped all the time?
AMANDA: But from whence will you experience the natural eroticism derived from the physical and intellectual imbalance between the masculine and the feminine?
SADY: I dunno. Professional wrestling?
AMANDA: Ayn Rand loves gender equality, to a point—the point where she personally thinks it’s really not sexy, at which point the greatest man in the world rapes the greatest woman in the world, who he knows will just love it. Because that’s how great she is. Are inferior beings allowed to rape people in Ayn Rand novels? Or is middle-class intimate partner violence not as glamorous?
SADY: Eh. I think a lot of the rough sex derives from the sort of romanticized fascism of the novels. It’s all about the right of the strong to fuck over the weak. There’s not a lot of structural engagement — any attempt at it is met with some sort of “YOUR BOOTSTRAPS! PULL ON THEM” lalala-I-can’t-hear-you thing — but whatever. So the right of, say, multimillionaire industrialists to pay their factory workers one cent a day is the same as the right of that multimillionaire factory worker to beat up his girlfriend. The girlfriend gets to play the role of Good Inferior Person, in that she totally loves it and is honored by it. Unlike those mewling puling mooching factory workers who want to raise the minimum wage enough to buy food with it, or whatever.
AMANDA: Totally not a turn on! I have to admit that I would have loved to see a big-budget Atlas Shrugged cast with immaculately angular captains of Hollywood. But I’m pretty sure Ayn wouldn’t be too pleased that some more round-faced television actors are pinching pennies in order to realize her greatest work. You know, maybe they’re going to make this amazing recession-era Atlas Shrugged that puts an ironic spin on her glorification of wealth, but I think probably it’s just going to be a half-assed dud that doesn’t even capture the ridiculous grandeur of her stupid book.
SADY: Haha, yeah. I myself am greatly looking forward to the movie. Because the whole point of it — superior people make superior products and earn superior money because they’re superior! — is going to be really complemented by the spectacle of this broke-assed movie made with former WB stars for like five cents. I mean, this is an expensive movie, on the face of it. There are like gleaming teal sci-fi train tracks and uberbridges and megaweapons that can explode a goat and the whole thing ends in a postapocalyptic landscape with the death of civilization and everyone in it. (SPOILER.) How are they going to pull that off, Claymation? Or are they just going to film the speeches? The seventy-seven page speeches? Which, I guess, is the real draw. Ayn Rand writes the stupidest things you’ve ever heard, but she wraps it up in this package that says you have to be A GENIUS to agree with her, so you make your way through the seventy-seven page speech and you’re like, “I DO agree! Plus I done gone and read me some philosophy! I ARE a genius, Ayn!”
AMANDA: Right, I mean, I bet the crack team behind this production can find a way to paraphrase the whole thing. Like: “Not only am I a genius, but I’m also one of the hottest people alive. Also, I hate women just the appropriate amount, a position that isn’t sexist in the least, because a woman wrote this book, and anyone who disagrees is simply irrational.” KABLOOEY! Or something.
SADY: Yeah. Poor Paul Johansson. I mean, I may personally feel that the best way to embody boyish blonde sexually irresistible Everydude John Galt is NOT to hire a dude who looks like the scarier variety of nightclub bouncer, but he’s not only playing this iconic poor-hater: He’s directing the thing. Quite possibly because they couldn’t find anyone else.
AMANDA: How could you put a film like this in anyone else’s hands but the most superior person available for every position involved, Paul Johansson of One Tree Hill? The positive here is that if Ayn Rand’s novel is any indication, they won’t need to hire an editor.
SADY: Maybe he’ll apply lessons learned in his previous erotic straight-to-video thriller “Bitch Hunter 2: Night of the Evils” and EDIT IT AS WELL. A true capitalist can do ANYTHING! With no training! It is like the Matrix! What excites me is that they might be splitting it up into a trilogy. As with the Harry Potter and the Lords of the Rings and so on and so forth. Because, in the first part of this book, LITERALLY NOTHING HAPPENS. Dagny rides trains and Hank buys her a necklace and hates his wife. People will be leaving the theater like, “so… trains, then?”
AMANDA: There will, of course, be plenty of soft-core shots of steel tracks and shit. I for one expect to be extremely aroused.
SADY: The history of Ayn Rand is that people are super-persuaded by her books until those books are filmed. “The Fountainhead,” written by Rand herself, is notoriously bad, mainly because Rand insisted they keep in the speeches. People were super-turned-on by the edgy rape scenes and the One Man Takes A Stand Against Society bullshit, and then they started filming it and were like… “wait a second! No-one actually talks like this! And they’re arguing over buildings the whole way through! This shit is SUPER-BORING, oh noes!” So, in a way, the “Atlas Shrugged” movie is the best thing that could possibly happen. Provided you hate “Atlas Shrugged.”
AMANDA: I think enough people hate “Atlas Shrugged” that this movie actually has a fighting chance at the box office.
46 Comments
Thank you for so clearly articulating why Ayn Rand is horrifyingly bad. I tend to get so flustered and enraged I can’t even complete a full sentence when she (and her “work”)is brought up. Thanks! Also, I’m sharing this with everyone I can, because it made my day!
I fear for your websites. The Randroid battalion will swarm you. As annoying as they are it’ll be amusing to watch you swat down those gnats after the through beatdown just administered.
As a Czech by lineage, I feel that ideally it would be filmed in a Svankmajer-ian (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd03-wm6DDM&feature=related) melange of claymation AND fast motion and stop motion. Low budget anti-communists unite.
Is it just me or does anyone else think that the most emotionally and intellectually honest adaptation of A.S. would be a generic straight-dude porn?
Consider these elements: 1) women loving their submission, 2) every long-winded speech as an encomium to the superiority and individuality of penis and its ability to dominate, 3) as noted above, the strong-dominating-the-weak is a huge part of Rand’s and A.S.’s ideology AND ALL PORN! Think of the sexy sexy scenes where Galt fucks/fucks over moochers/plebes. 4) Very little changes required in scenes and dialogue (maybe tweak a little to have Dagny scream “take me against my will, CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY! during climax) 5) “Happy valley” ending of A.S. is dying to be reinterpreted as an orgy, an orgy of the superior…penises.
While there are so many problematic (!) things about porn, I think it’s the best way to tell this “story”/”philosophy.”
Regina, I think that would be perfect and accurate. If we could somehow mix that with the sensual, phallic scene written by Sady, I think we’d have a hit.
Or, rather, we should get strong men to do it. I am angular, but.
i laughed, i cried – at this post. especially when i saw this part:
“SADY: This was always my favorite part of Ayn Rand: There’s always ONE WOMAN who is, like, super-smart and super-competent and super-skilled at all this industry stuff that everyone else sucks at because they’re socialists. (Also, this woman is always thin and “angular.” “Angular” is the key defining visual attribute of Virtue, in the Rand lexicography.) She is, explicitly, better at this than every man in the entire world. EXCEPT FOR HER BOYFRIEND! He chooses her to smack around or rape or whatever (AND SHE LOVES IT) because that is how very superior she is. Like, I’d really rather NOT be superior if it means getting slapped all the time?”
and realized, um yeah, that weirdly sums up (not my body, my body ain’t angular) both my own ego and the egos of men i get involved in and is an apt description of some of my past relationships. gulp.
which is why now i only date commies. vegan commies. because they are weak enough to – wait for it! – actually like me and respect me as a (shudder) person.
srsly, i read “the fountainhead” in high school because the polish exchange student said i reminded her of dominique (right then i should have known i should turn my life around). it was the most tedious slog ever, and i think at the time i described it as a hundred-page half-smart lecture on the virtues of capitalism dropped into a trashy romance novel.
so yeah, in other words, it’s alex p. keaton’s version of porn.
i couldn’t even pick up atlas shrugged after that.
I am in love with this entry. I read all of AR’s stuff as a child and loved it and then suddenly had this epiphany, like, “wait a second, this is all bullshit!” Then I had a boyfriend who famously said of Atlas Shrugged: “More like Atlas Sucked,” which I think should be the title of every review of this film once it comes out. I can not wait. Also your parody of AR’s writing style at the beginning of this entry is genius
yessss.
My best friend went through an Ayn Rand phase a while back and I was not very good at talking about why it was not good. But this helps.
Ayn Rand writes the stupidest things you’ve ever heard, but she wraps it up in this package that says you have to be A GENIUS to agree with her, so you make your way through the seventy-seven page speech and you’re like, “I DO agree! Plus I done gone and read me some philosophy! I ARE a genius, Ayn!”
Ha, awesome–I think this is a big part of why I loved her books as an adolescent. And why man-child Objectivists are so annoying…
One comment about the sex issue: I don’t, per se, disagree with the characterization in the OP of the function of sex in Rand-verse (except maybe the rape scene (in the Fountainhead), which I think is deeply conflicted), but I would caution against positioning sexual submissiveness/ dominance itself as anti-woman. There are many people (both men and women) for whom sub/dom issues are an integral part of their sexual selves and also believe in/seek gender equality.
For myself, Atlas Shrugged was my first exposure to a non-mainstream sexuality and as such it still means something to me, the “Oh John Ringo No” aspects notwithstanding. [/notmynigel]
There is an ideal age range for Ayn Rand-loving. It’s ~15-19 years old. I was 17 when it happened to me. It is ideal for intelligent misfits because Rand comes along and says, “Hey, there is nothing wrong with you, and not only that, but all those other people who treat you like shit are losers.” Which, hey! happens to be true even though Ayn Rand said it.
Then, you go to college, and everyone is pretty chill and nobody cares what you did in high school, and you develop meaningful relationships with other human beings your age who are smart and disagree with you on some things, and you realize that the logical conclusion of Randiness is this sort of quixotically noble…anarchy. WITH A RAPE CULTURE.
If someone remains Randy beyond the legal drinking age, beware. It’s not always bad news, but it usually is.
That was pretty much the most awesome intro ever. I shall go read the rest now.
Sweet everloving fuck that is the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
When John Galt’s speech comes on the radio, the world just grinds to a fucking halt. For, like, six hours. That confused me when I was in my Ayn Rand phase (age 15 to 20) and just seems ridiculous now.
Can you imagine something like the State of the Union getting hijacked by a terrorist broadcast? And the entire country saying, “Damn – I’ve got to listen to EVERY GOLDEN WORD of this truth bomb”? Especially when he started ranting about his theories of how the universe worked, and why plants and animals act the way they do, and how all of that justifies a particular economic structure that evolved out of mercantilism in the 18th century? And everyone’s just sitting around, slack-jawed. “Finally! Someone’s telling the truth about plants!”
My friends and I once brainstormed an Greek comedy interpritation of Atlas a la Aristophanes but cutting the fake erections and skipping straight to outright porn is a much better idea.
HAHAHAHAHA. Professor Coldheart, I salute you.
i love you for writing this. both of you, either, it doesn’t matter — this gives me communist wood.
That Rand impression was pretty pitch-perfect. Nice.
Is it just me or does anyone else think that the most emotionally and intellectually honest adaptation of A.S. would be a generic straight-dude porn?
I think you’re totally on to something with the porn thing. These books actually read (to me at least) like Ayn Rand’s kinky sexual fantasies, with a lot of Mary Sue thrown in. I read them as a teenager, and found the Fountainhead rape scene sort of weirdly hot. (Augh! I’m sorry; I know that’s wrong and disturbing. Which is how I felt about it at the time, too.)
Rand has passages where she goes on about how your sexuality expresses your deepest values. This points to a more serious issue: how do kinky people integrate their sexuality with the rest of themselves? (No, I don’t think the answer is “By using it as the basis of a political system!” That’s a terrible answer.) But… I dunno, I would’ve liked to hear from more people that just because you find some weird scenario to be a turn-on, doesn’t mean you have to like or endorse oppression.
Sady you can erect your ugly high-rise in front of my Chrysler Building any time you want!
This post has made my entire year. Decade, even.
Regina: Then Dagny discovers pegging! “Atlas Shrugged, Because Someone Was Shoving Something Up His Ass.”
Prof. Coldheart: I’ve found that the mercantilism is the real key. Start describing (and demonstrating—we so often forget that many people aren’t verbal learners) how capitalism arose, with concerted efforts, from the essential need for a strong, solid, productive base for economic transactions—and you’re done!
I linked to this on my livejournal and someone defriended me for “degrading” her beliefs. I was kind of upset until I realized that someone who is that lacking in perspective is probably a lost cause anyway. I wanted to point out that in holding me to a standard of “never say anything bad about Ayn Rand”, she was doing exactly what you describe in this post – according to Ayn Rand, I, as a poor/working-class person, am “fuel to be used” and “dust to be ground underfoot”. As a woman, the best I can hope for is to meet a guy who is smarter than me who will smack me around a lot and probably rape me. But if I make any public attempt at going “lol no actually”, I am the one who is being disrespectful.
In my own livejournal. HOW DARE I USE MY PERSONAL SPACE AS A PLATFORM TO DISCUSS THINGS THAT IRRITATE ME, LIKE THE IDEA THAT I AM BASICALLY AN INANIMATE OBJECT.
Anyway, thanks, Sady Doyle, for helping me weed out the e-friends of mine who have a problem with a) me enforcing boundaries between their beliefs and mine, and b) me standing up for myself by refusing to swallow a philosophy that tells me I am worthless.
It took me all of *two sentences* before I caught onto the fact that this was going to be an Ayn Rand parody. You are good, Sady Doyle. You. Are. Good.
Willfully, with her will, which was the essence of man’s godly power to achieve, she pushed the thought of her pleasure in uninvited kitchen visits aside, so that it could resurface as a revelation in the third act.
This is one of the greatest sentences in all of Blogsylvania. And I should know, because I live there.
Its a bit like reading somethingawful.com’s reviews with more sarcasm and breasts, and I love it.
Thanks.
Ayn Rand posts always make me so sad. Because they are so funny! and because I dated an (otherwise) very nice person who still to this day is an objectivist. I want to be able to link zir this and point and laugh together about silly beliefs, but instead I am crying on inside for the poor intellect that this person is squandering believing this.
I know there are people who one can hire to help de-brainwash someone from a cult (right?), do you think any of them specialize in Ayn Rand? ‘Cause I’d pay goo money to have my ex- not be a Randian.
For reals, Laura? Hahahaha! XD
I realize I am a bit inconsistent after my previous comment but I loved this entry.
You summarized all my issues with “The Fountinehead” and the stuff that irked me.
I have to confess, I lived quite long under the impression that she’d been sarcastic and was actually making fun or her idiotic characters, their logic and reasoning.
Sadly, it turned out that it was just wishful thinking.
In my defence… how would a person believe that a woman would come up with this kind of shit for serious and real???
This made me so happy, Sady.
“erect, thrusting buildings”
Me: Is this meant to be ridiculously sexual imagery?
“boners”
Me: Ah.
These Rand conversations have definitely made me decide to stop listing Rand as an author I like.
But at the same time, I find it really ironic that one of the main critiques of Rand (second only to gender critiques) is how her work portrays what commenters referred to as the “unwashed masses,” while a second common critique is that it is philosophy “for stupid people.” You know, the less educated, non-Nietzsche reading masses.
So you hate Rand because she acts like she is part of a superior class, and you hate Rand because you are part of a superior class?
And also, any commenters who complains about the attitude directed towards less educated people gets lectured about being the language police, a la Switchentoglide on the Palin thread.
So it is harder for me to take your critiques of Rand too much to heart when you engage in the same types of behavior you’re critiquing.
I for one am looking forward to illegally downloading this movie. I think it will be the next great thing in good-bad cinema. Maybe it’s my weird and wrong-headed affection for Showgirls, but I’m picturing this in the style of big-budget Skinemax pr0n with hilariously overwrought acting.
@Erin Most of this piece seems to be about the way Rand puts the burden of poverty on the impoverished – the way her work ignores the very real and systemic hurdles that a person faces when attempting to rise above their “station” in life. One of those hurdles is education.
I admit I was wrong to use the words I used in the Palin piece. Sarah Palin is not uneducated – she has a degree in Communications. But we are still in need of a lexicon to address the distinction between being poor and being ignorant. The former is the result of multiple levels of intersecting oppressive forces and the latter is a quite odious personality flaw. It does not help that most synonyms for ignorance in the English language are offensive and ableist – which is something that most people remain uninformed about. The issue remains that we need a way to discuss the behavior of people who are purposefully obtuse without slandering those who don’t have equal access to education.
@Erin – Wealthy, upper-class, formally-educated elites like the ones Rand celebrates can be quite stupid. Rand tends to conflate wealth and opportunity with intelligence and all-around inherent superiority. That’s why she’s a stupid asshole.
Hm, in defence of Rand, I really enjoyed her portrayel of popular manipulation trough media (btw I have stumbled across very similar examples in my studies, believe, she is not exagerating) and the idea that if you like what you do, to fuck with people who tell you otherwise.
Putting aside her awkward political interests and creepy relationships between men and women, there are many positive things about her works and her haracters.
Still, Sady did an excellent satire of her work so.
@GarlandGrey
Thanks for the elaboration. I definitely see your point.
But I’m still annoyed by the attitude, which I recognize is not coming from you, that people who aren’t willing or able to sit down and read Nietzsche shouldn’t engage in philosophy. I have had more intelligent philosophical conversations with people who have never gone to college than with the vast majority of my fellow philosophy majors.
@Snobographer
“Rand tends to conflate wealth and opportunity with intelligence and all-around inherent superiority.”
I disagree. I think the main antagonist in Atlas Shrugged (you know, besides communism) was the brother, who had plenty of wealth and opportunity. Though I agree with GrayGarland’s point about systemic hurdles, I think they are distinct issues.
Woops, I completely messed up your name at the end of my comment.
Superior, Sady. Downright ANGULAR. 😀
I loved it (the post, not Rand)!
I had my Ayn Rand phase when I was 24, but it lasted me only a couple of months. I had never heard of Rand and needed a huge book to read, so I randomly picked Atlas from the library. I was quite a doormat then and I found good things in the book, and it got me hooked and obsessed for 2/3rds of it, but then I started to look at the politics with a critical eye and didn’t bother finishing it. (But then I read Nathaniel Branden’s self-help books :D)
Don’t forget, in Randsville, geniuses SMOKE! They smoke cigaretts thrust into their angular hands by other geniuses. THINK OF THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT OPPORTUNITIES all those smoking geniuses will afford!
@Ericn – that’s one rich guy. All the poor people, who are mostly anonymous cogs, are stupid and lazy. To be fair though, I went nearly mad with boredom and dropped Atlas Shrugged about 2/3 in. The drugstore girl who marries Dagny’s whiny-ass brother seemed potentially interesting.
p.s. a facebook friend just posted this gem: “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.” – Unknown Dude/ette
Seems like it’s my moment to delurk at last!
Snobographer@38: “The drugstore girl who marries Dagny’s whiny-ass brother seemed potentially interesting.”
How Rand handled Cheryl, the girl from the five-and-dime, is exactly what Garland was talking about, about putting the burden of poverty on the impoverished.
MR@39: The source of that quote seems to be Rogers at Kung Fu Monkey.
Sunflower
It is so amusing to me that this boy with whom I have had Not Great experiences and is the kind of whiny Nirvana fan who hates Courtney and sends angry text messages is really into Ayn Rand! And it is a billion more times amusing to read all your posts on her! And that One Tree Hill guy with the scary face is funny, too!
ALSO, via libmas in the comments at the Awl:
http://www.boxofficemojo.com/features/?id=2487&p=.htm
“It has to be an incredibly remarkable face, a face that just pops out at you.”
And via ReginalTSquirge: “Oh, it pops.”
I tried to read Atlas Shrugged last summer, based on a vaguely remembered reading of The Fountainhead several years ago. I got half way through and hit the 4 or 5 page long rant about money that one of the male characters had at some party or another. I had to stop reading. I think that’s when I realized that Rand was pretty much complete bs.
@Sunflower #40
“How Rand handled Cheryl, the girl from the five-and-dime, is exactly what Garland was talking about, about putting the burden of poverty on the impoverished.”
See? Rand sucks! That was the one sympathetic character in the whole book.
I just had to come back and share this link, four hours after the thread ended, because it is highly relevant to the aforementioned discussion.
http://www.geekosystem.com/ayn-rand-is-the-pinnacle-of-human-evolution/
But didn’t you know that “Mozart was a Red” ?
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5404826610265339909#
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