Yes, it’s true: The Tiger Beatdown Pledge Drive has concluded. And, amongst you all, one has emerged the victor. Soon you shall all know her by name.
Okay, you’ve waited long enough. Her name is Erin! Hi, Erin! Thanks for the donation!
As you all know, it is Erin’s job to tell me what to write about this week. But, before we all bow and quake before her fearful dictum, let us take time to discuss the fate of our runners-up. For Erin — all hail Erin! — managed to distinguish herself by donating a mere five dollars more than all the many takers of second place. Who deserve, I think, some acknowledgement here. They are:
- Also Hannah! They even have the same last initial! But are DIFFERENT PEOPLE, I am pretty sure.
- Sierra! Who wrote me with, like, the most charming request ever the other day, which was that I wish her friend Molly a happy birthday via e-mail. HI MOLLY. LET ME KNOW HOW THAT BIRTHDAY DEAL TURNED OUT. GEMINIS 4-EVER.
- Stephanie! Who takes care to note that she, too, is the owner of a “smooshy-face dog,” who is a Boston Terrier. Would it interest you to know, Stephanie, that my very own dog has some Boston Terrier in him? Well, it’s true! Whether it’s interesting or not! GOOD TASTE IN DOGS HIGH FIVE.
- And Gabrielle!
As a runner-up prize for all of these many fine ladies, I have composed a special haiku. It comes from the heart, and showcases my breathtaking lyricism, so take special note of it.
ON THE OCCASION OF YOUR ALL WINNING SECOND PRIZE
All of you should win
Erin had five more dollars
Do not turn on her!
Yeah, that was kind of stinky. We need to work on the second prize situation. But thank you, ladies! And thanks to everyone who donated! I was able to send everyone some money; furthermore, your cash has paid for food, shelter, and the imminent castration of the dog (“WHUUUUT.” — Hektor) and allowed us to set some money aside for the production of the Tiger Beatdown t-shirts! Famed through myth, song, and that one failed attempt to produce them by hand, which (SPOILER) totally failed, the Tiger Beatdown t-shirts are closer than ever to being a reality. We have even managed, through Photoshop technology, to produce this glimpse into the future and show you what they will look like!
ANYWAY. That is what the Pledge Drives do: They make magic happen. And now, to award Erin her prize! Here is her request for me, for the remainder of the week:
I’m going to default to my basic and choose to request that you talk about books this week. Books! Books that you have read and loved, or read and hated, or read and had a complicated reaction to; obviously preferably with a specific feminist focus. (The reaction, not necessarily the books.)
Oh, so much fun! Could not have had a better winner, clearly! I am actually really looking forward to this. SO, starting on Tuesday, expect to see some thinking on The Books, done by me. While everyone else writes about whatever! And now, I am going to read. IT IS WORK, OKAY. ERIN IS MY BOSS, AND SHE IS PAYING ME TO DO THIS. Bring me my highly professional comfy chair, it is time for working!