There is a problem with sorting through The Lady News Of The Day when you are — as one unidentified, but sexy blogger may well be! — under the influence of copious cold medication and/or pretty much unable to breathe. (“Would a cigarette help with this?” — Sady’s Tragic Addiction.) First: The Lady News Of The Day is boring. It has been for a while, actually. But when the breaking shit includes stuff like “White Male Authors: Maybe People Actually Privilege Those?” and/or “Porn: Folks Don’t Use Condoms In It,” and/or “I Hear That Glenn Beck Fellow Is Pretty Racist,” well… that whole “blogs as medium for distributing new takes and/or information” hypothesis is tested. SORELY TESTED.
Second: Even if any of this information were new and exciting, none of it would make any sense. To you, the breathing-and-cognition-deficient, anyway! Information, when you are this state, does not spark new associations and/or insights and/or outrage. I spent fully half an hour reading AV Club commenters talk about Katy Perry’s “titties” and also what a “whore” she is, and I felt… nothing. Nothing! (“Internet Comment Sections: You Always Hope None Of The Dudes In Them Are Secretly Your Boyfriend!” Like I said: The news, it is old.) Information, in this state, lands in your mind with the dull, wet smack of a dead fish on a snare drum.
AND SPEAKING OF FISH.
No: We are not going to be visiting any of these years-old controversies today, or dignifying them with the assumption that these latest iterations are somehow new and exciting. What we are going to do is to talk about the Real Issues of our time, issues so global in their import that it will soon make all of our gender warfare seem pitifully irrelevant. The Real Issues of our time include: The Giant Squid! THEY’RE LEARNING.
Okay, so what they are learning has to do with “simple concepts” and “spatial reasoning” and “thus far more or less coconut-shell-based tool utilization,” and also, for some reason, “this article pertains mostly to octopi and not THE DEADLY GIANT SQUID WHICH YOU’D THINK WE’D WANT TO FOCUS ON, what with their established murderyness and drastically under-researched potential to construct nuclear weapons or whatever.” But it is a grim, cephalopod-centric future ahead of us, kids. And for some reason, I don’t think any of us will be worried about the subtle nuances of the condoms-in-porn debate when we have the wet and vengeful tentacles of Professor Squiddington locked in a death embrace around our faces. (This will actually be part of how he gets tenure, for some reason. Don’t question Professor Squiddington’s research methods! Professor Squiddington has a career to look out for!)
Although, you know, maybe some of you will? Care, I mean. In which case, keep fighting the good fight. I’m going to go lie down.