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Our Post-Sexist Society, or: Feminists Always Make A Big Deal Out Of Nothing, Part 134,450,009

You know, there are a lot of fun things about covering my particular beat. One of the most fun, however, is the possibility that, on any given morning, this will be the very first thing I find in my e-mail inbox.

For those of you who don’t feel like clicking through to the link, it’s a blog post about why someone wants and/or doesn’t want to fuck me! Written by my long-time Interstalker, Dom Passantino.

For those of you who don’t know who Dom Passantino is — and, let’s be honest: None of you know who Dom Passantino is — he is a failed music writer. He worked for a few online publications, which are now defunct. He worked briefly for the Guardian, and (as I understand it) he was fired. He had a Wikipedia entry briefly, which was deleted on the basis of his not being a relevant person. And now he has a blog. On this blog, he writes about how anyone who has ever written anything is inferior to Dom Passantino. Which you can clearly see, because they are getting published. Dom Passantino is just too good for this corrupt system! The man is out to shut Dom Passantino down, because the man cannot deal with Dom Passantino’s various truth bombs! So, just to be clear, here’s an infographic of Dom Passantino:

And here is more or less everyone else:

If only by comparison.

I’ve been a long-time object of Dom’s affection, for various reasons explained above. It actually goes back to my very first Guardian article! In which I was instructed to “stop writing, stop taking away jobs and commission fees from people who have actually done a day’s honest work in their life and may have something interesting to say,” because one little-known fact about freelance writing is that every single person who gets an assignment has to rip her check right the fuck out of Dom Passantino’s hands in order to get paid. The Guardian would actually be composed entirely of articles by Dom Passantino, if only there were no other writers in the world, and no-one could find a typing monkey. True facts! Anyway, this was followed by that was followed by the other. Was followed by an article about what it might be like to screw me! As is the course of these things.

Anyway, as perhaps the only source of traffic to Dom Passantino’s various bloggings, I feel obliged to report.

I dunno if any of you have ever fucked with the type of girls who have opinions4u about feminism and like to write about them in punishing length on WordPress blogs, but I don’t recommend it as a long-term option.

And if there were three words I’d use, to describe Dom Passantino’s sex life, they would be “options, options, options!” There’s just something about lack of success in one’s chosen field, combined with seething bitterness and insecurity masked as narcissistic self-aggrandizement and condescenscion, that wets the ladies right up. And when you mention that you run a blog about unfuckable chicks you’d stick it into, well! That SEALS THE DEAL, right there. “Mom, I’d like you to meet my fiance! He’s full of impotent rage.” “Get out of my way, honey! You’ll have to fight me for him!” That’s about how it goes, in Casa Passantino, I am betting.

Actually, I take it back. This is a better Dom infographic:

Anyway, blah blah blah girls who write feminist blogs like dirty sex, blah blah blah “WHORECUNT” blah blah “Streetfighter 2″ reference? It’s getting SO MUCH SEXIER, blah blah:

But if you’re gonna put up with that stuff, you may as well go straight to the queen bee. From what I understand of this wacky ol’ subculture, Sady Doyle is basically the Nah Right of feminist bloggers, except with a lot less proclivity towards sucking dick. Her writing style mainly involves LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS like Melody Maker in 1998 never happened, [blah].

Whereas clearly I should be writing the most offensive thing I can come up with, whilst clearly way too amused with myself and too eager to drop in refs to my important Music Scene Knowledge, like Vice never happened at all.

Anyway. It’s so much fun when people overestimate your importance whilst trying to insult you! Yes, it’s basically true: I rule the feminist blogowaves, and all other ladybloggers bow down before me. Except for when they don’t, which is the vast majority of the time. But, you know, from Dom’s perspective, pretty much anyone looks like a big deal, so… The point is, I’m important. So important. Buy me a pony, I am your master! But you know what’s useful, when ladies get a little too important? A good ol’ deep-dicking.

Anyway, that kinda forced anger and put-upon need to be SHOUTING A LOT about LOTS OF MINOR POP CULTURAL DEBRIS… is kinda what makes her mad blappable in my book. Anyone with that sort of personality has got to be so… studied sexually. The inverse of the “librarian whose secretly putting her mouth one side of glory-holes” stereotype. Sex with Sady Doyle would be the most perfunctory, acceptable sex imaginable. It’d be like sticking your dick in Tony Pulis’s management.

Oh, Dom. Dom, Dom, Dom. You’ve been reading me and writing insecure, angry shit about me with no response for over a year now, and you’ve just now gotten around to admitting that you want to fuck me? I mean: D’ya think?

And, you know? It’s perfectly fine to want to fuck me. Wanting to fuck me is a perfectly normal, healthy, common urge for a boy of your age. But at a certain point, a man has to learn the concept of “leagues.” Specifically, who is out of yours, and how they get that way!

For instance: Do you write an angry blog about chicks you’d like to do, on the Internet? Because that means that I am out of your league, Dom. Not because of any especially sexy or charming qualities I might possess, but because I am a human. The funny thing is, I don’t even need to be a human to be out of your league. There are full-length body pillows that would check out your situation and be like, “whoa, bad idea.” These full-length body pillows, they would find a way to edge themselves close to the radiator and immolate themselves rather than be subjected to five more minutes (and it’s always only five more minutes, isn’t it?) of your jerky, insistent, occasionally tearful humping. Let alone the part afterward. You know: The part where you talk about your mother, and how nobody appreciates you as much as you deserve. Because that shit is awkward, Dom, that’s why.

So, to recap:

  • You are never going to get to fuck me.
  • There is no point in speculating upon what it would be like to fuck me.
  • Because you are never going to get to fuck me.

Best of luck with Jodie Foster, though! You know, I hear there’s this Reagan guy…

50 Comments

  1. jaded16 wrote:

    Classic Sady Fucking Doyle routine. Jeez these Freddiesque people keep on happening, don’t they? Keep on being yourself (this awesomely) and one less boner in the world I say.

    @ Dom — AND BY THE WAY, WE LIKE WRITING LIKE THIS. Helps aim all our important LadyAnger to the right people on the Interwebs!

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 5:19 pm | Permalink
  2. D. wrote:

    I have to say that “There are full-length body pillows that would check out your situation and be like, “whoa, bad idea.”” is so hilarious it should be embroidered on full length body pillows.

    Also: Ewwwwwww. I take it email from that guy is submerged in bleach first? Because ewwwwwww.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 5:43 pm | Permalink
  3. emjaybee wrote:

    I guess he hasn’t figured out that while yelling “suck on my giant cock you know you want it!” to girls in jr. high who didn’t want to date you did scare jr. high girls, it stops working after that.

    And I’ll bet it didn’t always work then.

    The internet is not afraid of your cock, sir. It is simply beneath our notice.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 5:46 pm | Permalink
  4. merna wrote:

    Pffft. Haters gonna hate. But wow, that is seriously a lot of self-importance on his part.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 6:02 pm | Permalink
  5. Elzee wrote:

    Sady, you are just wonderful. You make me proud to be a woman who is adamant about fucking, especially who she does and does not fuck.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 6:17 pm | Permalink
  6. JustDucky wrote:

    Yegods. I almost pity him, the sad little man who thinks 4chan is high culture.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 6:19 pm | Permalink
  7. JfC wrote:

    What a ridiculous little mosquito, our Dom. He thinks he’s DiCaprio-ed his way into your psyche, but really he’s just buzz buzz buzzing in your ear. He go squish now.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 6:49 pm | Permalink
  8. Annaham wrote:

    I don’t know why, but I keep picturing Beavis as I read that pullquote. Complete with “EHhehhehEHhehEH,” and perhaps, “You said do, heh heh.”

    I do hope that Dom finds his Butthead to his Beavis, one day!

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 6:57 pm | Permalink
  9. Rebecca wrote:

    that’s really the whole purpose of his website? To pontificate on whether or not celeb women (congrats Sady!) are worthy of him? How… pathetic.

    And the Jodie Foster link. Wow. If I didn’t think he could get lower, talking about how Jodie Foster is super-hot because of a certain scene in The Accused is just MESSED UP.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 7:50 pm | Permalink
  10. patrick wrote:

    help irrelevant dudes stay irrelevant: don’t link to their websites and end up helping their google page ranking. folks can search the quotes if they want primary sources.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 8:31 pm | Permalink
  11. Kate wrote:

    Yeah, I read this post and I was like ‘hahaha loser’. And then I was like ‘wait. That’s what his WHOLE BLOG IS FOR? I TOO SHALL USE LOTS OF CAPITALS BECAUSE WHAAAA???’

    Sweet Jesus Christ on a Cross, Dom. Uncool.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 8:32 pm | Permalink
  12. snobographer wrote:

    A guy who writes “dunno” is on your case about using all caps?
    This is the kind of unoriginal douchebag who’d laugh REALLY LOUD at the rape scenes in A Clockwork Orange just to make a big point of how edgy and hardcore he is.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 8:35 pm | Permalink
  13. Panic wrote:

    It’s always been my theory that dudes like this actually get off most from being spanked by the feminists. I love this, and it’s one of the best “Here’s your ass, I hand it to you” posts I’ve read, but it’s also the exact thing he wants. They love this shit. Mommy issues, I think.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 8:51 pm | Permalink
  14. Generally a Fan wrote:

    While this guy’s a totally worthless human being, it makes me sad that you get this point across by arguing repeatedly that nobody wants to have sex with him. Your logic seems to be that, duh, if you are a dude, what you want is for ladies to have sex with you all of the time, and whether they want to have sex with you is the only measure of your worth. In fact, this is so obvious that you can effectively say “ha ha nobody wants to have sex with you” and assume that people will read that as “you are crap”. And you do talk about his career failures at length – which you inevitably summarize in terms of how it hinders his ability to get laid. Which is nonexistant. Because he is a loser. Duh.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 10:01 pm | Permalink
  15. I’m sorry to hear you’re having your mornings interrupted by this guy’s acts of rank douchebaggery, but I do have to say: the Mad Men infographic, and the entire last paragraph, where fucking solid gold.

    Monday, September 6, 2010 at 11:44 pm | Permalink
  16. Oh Sady. Why must you do this to me? I have bronchial issues (pneumonia?, the black plague?, bronchitis?, a cold?, who knows!) going on, and yet you continue to bring the laughs. Why must you bring the laughs when it hurts to laugh. It is so painful, so very, very, painful. Almost as painful as it must be to be Dom every. day. of his life.

    Which brings me to Dom. Oh Dom, I promise if you dedicate yourself to it, with good effort put in 9-5 with a lunch break (saturdays or sundays off, your choice), you might become a redeemable human within the next decade. But that might be too much optimism on my part, so let’s settle on DEFINIELY within 12 years, eh?

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:53 am | Permalink
  17. redcow wrote:

    Oh lawd I enjoyed this. Gonna agree with Patrick though, don`t link to this pathetic dickbag; he doesn`t deserve the traffic.

    Also one question: “librarian whose secretly putting her mouth one side of glory-holes” The fuck does this even mean? Is this grammatically correct??

    A++ comedic gold, would lol again. Sorry you had to deal with this guy, but hopefully the thrashing you were able to give him in this post will be a good consolation prize.

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:10 am | Permalink
  18. Aoede wrote:

    Well, this was amusing. I mean, not the fact that such a person exists (which, given his apparent noninfluence, probably excites pity in me of all emotions (on an individual level, anyway; it’s more generally sad on a ‘our society rather nurtures that sort of attitude’ level)), but thank you for the laugh. Well, smile. Well, rather sleepy upturn of the lips, because it’s two in the morning, ergo je soy ramblemeister.

    @Redcow: It might be partially salvaged if “who’s” was unmisspelled, but I’m not sure what’s going on between after “mouth”. Deletion of an “on” preceding the “one”, perhaps encouraged by the graphemic similarities between the two words? Like, ‘Oh hey “on one”, I musta typed the same word twice, lemme delete the first.’

    Not that, y’know, grammatical correctness is the Mark of Virtue…ity. But it’s fun to analyze typos and half-tossed word salad!

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 2:14 am | Permalink
  19. Ed Hicks wrote:

    When you guys finish the tiger beatdown tshirts I think you need to be getting on this full body length pillow complete with awkward self-immolation considering expression!

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 3:38 am | Permalink
  20. Maggie wrote:

    This is the best pwn I have seen all day :)

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 4:25 am | Permalink
  21. Helen wrote:

    A present for Mr Passantino!

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 7:01 am | Permalink
  22. mika wrote:

    I had forgotten that that kind of dude exists. (the pathetic kind.)

    thanks for reminding, and then for providing quality entertainment with your smackdown!

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 7:21 am | Permalink
  23. mkp wrote:

    How disturbing. This guy needs to spend some time in the cone of shame. I’m not even advocating surgical retaliation. I just want to see him in a damn plastic cone.

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:12 am | Permalink
  24. Sady wrote:

    @Generally a Fan: Well, given that the entire blog is about ladies he’d like to have sex with, it seems like a worthwhile thing to point out?

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:35 am | Permalink
  25. Erin wrote:

    Woah! Epic beatdown!

    Wonderful way to start my shortened work week. :)

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:46 am | Permalink
  26. MissPrism wrote:

    Ha ha ha ha!

    Excellent work, Sady. That poor pillow.

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:52 am | Permalink
  27. Scott wrote:

    @PATRICK wrote:
    help irrelevant dudes stay irrelevant

    Actually, there’s a way to both. In the link include the tag “rel=nofollow” and Google will happily ignore the incoming search engine juice from your high traffic site to their miserable piece of crap.

    Also: I nearly fell out of my chair when we got to the body pillow section. Thanks :-)

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:07 pm | Permalink
  28. Other Becky wrote:

    @Generally a Fan: It’s like with the Freddie thing. Go around publicly musing on gettin’ it on with Sady, and she’s got total license to return fire. If he’d stuck to “Her writing sucks,” then, yes, “That’s because you never get laid” would be inappropriate. This, however, is one of the times that the “He started it” defense totally applies.

    In conclusion, [BONERS].

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:08 pm | Permalink
  29. Travis wrote:

    Ugh, I think “blappable” is the worst possible euphemism for having sex I have ever read.

    I am seriously queasy after saying “blappable” out loud. This isn’t something people actually say, right? This is just him, right?

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:08 pm | Permalink
  30. Catullus wrote:

    Did he really write this or do I simply suffer from macular degeneration?

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:17 pm | Permalink
  31. queen emily wrote:

    Totally agree, Other Beckie. He made this very, very personal in posting his creepy sex personal sex fantasies and Sady has every right to come out swinging.

    I thought this was actually a pretty classy response to a disgusting, tacky post.

    Solidarity for ya, Sady.

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 2:28 pm | Permalink
  32. queen emily wrote:

    Sorry, Other Becky. Aargh with the misspellings already.

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 2:29 pm | Permalink
  33. Sooz wrote:

    AFAICT that’s not his blog, but he’s doing a guest spot on it for some unfathomable reason?

    IDK I do not get this whole “I am publicly speculating about how various sub-celebrities would be in bed!” thing. It seems like there would be much more fulfilling hobbies out there.

    Also I am not sure how one can actually read Tiger Beatdown and think “clearly, this is a blog of anger and spite!” (Although perhaps I am assuming a lot with that “actually read” bit!) It seemed to me more one of whimsy and cracking wise. Perhaps I am misinterpreting things, and [BONERS] is really an expression of ineffable rage.

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 3:09 pm | Permalink
  34. Sooz wrote:

    Travis: In my family, “blap” was a term for vomiting, generally in reference to canine vomiting. So yeah, it is sort of anti-sexy.

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 3:11 pm | Permalink
  35. N'Awlins Contrarian wrote:

    First, as piggish and juvenile as his blog is, it casts a vote (for whatever that vote is worth) that you are Somebody Who Matters. Second, it seems like he hasn’t read much of your stuff and/or hasn’t read real hard-core feminist stuff. In general, and especially as the genres (blogging and hard-core feminism) go, your writings (a) make a large number of points that I think most fair-minded guys would concede are valid and (b) show a lot more humor and circumspection than broadly-directed vitriol.

    But he may have a point if you will allow me to deconstruct / reconstruct / just f’in parse his text: “fucked with” to me means more teased, harassed, or messed with (in a non-sexual sense) than it means had sex with, and I don’t think he would come out very well from a long-term campaign of messing with you.

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 4:50 pm | Permalink
  36. setanta wrote:

    I followed the link, I read the entry on Anne Frank. Why, why did I do this to myself? :(

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 4:57 pm | Permalink
  37. mulierosity wrote:

    I should start a blog lamenting the fact that I will never write a fraction as good as you~

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 9:34 pm | Permalink
  38. lil sis wrote:

    i thought a blap was a type of middle eastern bread?

    hahaha sady you are hilarious! TRUTH BOMBS! this guy has too many for me to handle!

    i think this was fully justified and too kind if anything.

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:59 pm | Permalink
  39. Brimstone wrote:

    is he really Jeff Mangum?

    Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:34 pm | Permalink
  40. Jaime wrote:

    It seems that this guy has gotten all of his ideas about sexual stereotypes from porn. No, librarians aren’t like that in real life. No, my friends and I don’t jump around and have pillow fights in our underwear.

    P.S. Trollers gonna troll…even if it’s in their own blog.

    Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 2:09 am | Permalink
  41. Alyx wrote:

    Solidarity fist, Sady Doyle.

    Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 11:30 am | Permalink
  42. AMC wrote:

    @Sady, girl, did you have to hand his ass to him SO solidly?

    I mean he was doing it fine on his own. Once you are blogging about people you wish you could have sex with, or at least walk by without their vagina’s secreting poisonous fumes just to escape you, and once you consider anyone who has a JOB a “celebrity” you are pathetic enough. No need to be cruel, ya know?

    Thats sarcasm if you didn’t get it. Were I Sady Doyle I would have been even more cruel about flaunting the fact that he even admitted I (as Sady) was indeed, Feminst Blogger Queen, and that my vaginables were protected by dozens of rubust male Chippendales dancers there to protect me from human excrement like this Dom.

    Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 8:15 pm | Permalink
  43. MonkeyShines wrote:

    @REBECCA
    Actually, I think someone else wrote the Jodie Foster entry. Presumably an honest mistake on Sady’s part.

    Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 11:30 pm | Permalink
  44. latinist wrote:

    1. You’re too modest: clearly you needed to put a lot more emphasis on the part of this where you have officially become both “the queen bee” and “the Nah Right of feminist bloggers.” Those should be put at the top of your blog or something.

    2. I’m kind of on Generally A Fan’s side here: the point about mocking him for no one wanting to have sex with him isn’t that it’s unfair to DP; no, fuck him. The point is that, when you do that, you tend to reinforce the practice of judging men’s worth by the number and hotness of women they sleep with. So it’s unfair to the various other men who, like DP, aren’t alpha-male-frat-boy types, but, unlike him, also aren’t obnoxious gross fuckheads.
    On the other hand, he was really asking for that, so I can’t totally blame you for giving it to him. And it was funny.

    Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 11:44 pm | Permalink
  45. Melissa wrote:

    Grrr. This presses all kinds of buttons for me.

    I was sexually assaulted in grade school by a group of older boys. Long story short – nothing happened to them, my life was made miserable by every available authority figure.

    Relevant point: The principal (after he had gotten past the phase of denying it ever happened) told my mother that the ringleader had been “fascinated” with me for a long time, and that if I’d just been nicer to him, he wouldn’t have hurt me.

    His name wasn’t Dom, but I guess they must have bee cousins or something.

    Friday, September 10, 2010 at 1:30 pm | Permalink
  46. Myra wrote:

    Hey Sady,

    Thank you for creating the first blog I really really like. A lot. Your writing style is amazing and your choice of topics is pure genius. I mean you even got me to post a comment. I normally never do that.

    So, bottom line: Dom Passantiono is an ass.

    Friday, September 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm | Permalink
  47. Dawn. wrote:

    This was absolutely hilarious. Best pwn of the week. :)

    Sunday, September 12, 2010 at 3:06 pm | Permalink
  48. Finisterre wrote:

    I wanted to quote, but there were too many bits that amused me. IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, Dom!

    However, I *really* have to take issue with this, because it bears no relation to the post I read:

    (Latinist)
    “The point is that, when you do that, you tend to reinforce the practice of judging men’s worth by the number and hotness of women they sleep with. So it’s unfair to the various other men who, like DP, aren’t alpha-male-frat-boy types, but, unlike him, also aren’t obnoxious gross fuckheads.”

    1) That first sentence is just wrong. Sadie’s point was that running a blog about women you want to fuck makes you unfuckable. If Dom’s worth was being judged, it had *nothing* to do with who he’d actually slept with (or what he looks like) and everything to do with how he behaves.

    2) That second sentence strikes me as pure whatabouttehmenz-ing, deployed, incredibly, in the context of Sady responding to a dude being an obnoxious fuckhead! The maxim ‘if it’s not about you, don’t make it about you’ has never seemed more apposite. This has fuck-all to do with Nice GuysTM and everything to do with arseholes like Dom.

    Monday, September 13, 2010 at 11:50 am | Permalink
  49. michele wrote:

    LOLOLOLOLOLOL

    “There are full-length body pillows that would check out your situation and be like, “whoa, bad idea.” These full-length body pillows, they would find a way to edge themselves close to the radiator and immolate themselves rather than be subjected to five more minutes (and it’s always only five more minutes, isn’t it?) of your jerky, insistent, occasionally tearful humping.”

    Saturday, September 25, 2010 at 4:50 pm | Permalink
  50. Anonalady wrote:

    I went on an amazingly awful OKCupid date with Dom Passantino once. Based on that experience, I can confirm that he came across as every inch the sleazy, insecure, passive-aggressive, faux-controversial toerag he is shown to be here.

    Also, Sady: Don’t ever change. <3

    Wednesday, September 29, 2010 at 4:35 pm | Permalink