Skip to content

[BOEHNERS]: Or, All Is Revealed!

As some of you may (but most of you probably do not) know, I have gone back home to Ohio. What are my reasons? They are multiple! But, most crucially, they have to do with my dark plans to distract you all with blog posts as I ascend to heretofore-unimaginable heights of power. Flash back, with me, to July of 2009, will you? When I wrote the following:

In truth, of course, feminism could not be less important to me. I mean, women! Who cares? Am I right, fellas? “Sady Doyle,” that interminable ranter-on about the ladybusiness, is nothing more than a construct, an elaborate fiction meant to ensure my success. In reality, I am dogged anti-choice advocate and Ohio state Representative John Boehner.

Well: It’s SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE BOEHNER now, suckers! Now, behold my immense passion, via YouTube.

What? That’s not enough? You want MORE immense passion, from PREVIOUSLY in my top-secret yet lucrative and successful career? You got it!

You may leave your many congratulations in the comments. Or don’t. But probably you should, because I AM IN CHARGE OF YOU. In charge of ALL of you! Say goodbye to your precious abortions! Under my rule, every fetus will be granted full voting rights! And also a job at the post office! And a reasonably priced, tastefully modern condo! BWA-HA-HA-HA…. oh. Oh, God. You guys, this is really a big deal for me, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna choke up a little, I SWORE TO MYSELF I WOULDN’T DO THIS…

9 Comments

  1. jpg wrote:

    Mr. Speaker,

    As an avid watcher of your many videos, I must ask: why do you always appear to have been filmed against a green screen in the 1970′s and then edited into the modern context?

    With great respect,

    jpg

    Wednesday, November 3, 2010 at 4:21 pm | Permalink
  2. of making many books wrote:

    I love a good [BONERS] pun!

    Wednesday, November 3, 2010 at 5:16 pm | Permalink
  3. Meredith wrote:

    [BONERS] forever.

    Wednesday, November 3, 2010 at 5:45 pm | Permalink
  4. Andy wrote:

    Is it me or does he sound like he’s always drunkenly slurring?

    Wednesday, November 3, 2010 at 8:15 pm | Permalink
  5. Lady K wrote:

    I’ve always found him completely creepy, but that might be because he looks like G-Man from the Half Life series.

    Wednesday, November 3, 2010 at 10:33 pm | Permalink
  6. Traitorfish wrote:

    @Lady K: OH HOLY CRAP YOU’RE RIGHT. He must’ve finally realised that he needs to adopt human emotions to better fool us into doing his bidding, but hasn’t quite grasped the nuances yet.

    Thursday, November 4, 2010 at 12:32 am | Permalink
  7. Ennu wrote:

    @Andy: It’s not just you. I’ve always thought he sounded like he was talking to through cotton balls. He’s so deadpan and face never seems to move.

    I love that top clip. “Alright, alright, shut-up about the USA! Can’t you see I’m busy congratulating myself here? Do you have any idea how many years it takes me to save up this amount of tears? I can’t just waste them, you know!”

    Thursday, November 4, 2010 at 4:44 pm | Permalink
  8. N'Awlins Contrarian wrote:

    @Andy
    @Lady K
    @Ennu
    If you’re going to criticize a (this) person for his speech impediment or personal appearance, please just make sure you jump in and defend similar criticisms from Sady’s (or whoever’s) next beatdown over somebody’s judging the merit of a woman’s opinions or her character or worth as a human being on characteristics such as her looks. Because hypocrisy is one of the worst offenses. Just saying we need to be consistent on this, no? (No matter how much fun mean-spirited and petty, but witty, criticisms of one’s adversaries can be.)

    FYI, I took the original post as criticizing his speeches / PDE’s as cynically staged and acted for the cameras. I have no idea whether they were. But criticizing that is, to me, fair game, and wholly different from criticizing his voice or appearance. Hopefully I wasn’t giving too much credit there.

    Friday, November 5, 2010 at 12:03 am | Permalink
  9. Evan (a lady) wrote:

    I feel like my desire to make fun of Boehner for crying all the time is kind of awful. But at the same time, I’m pretty sure that it stems from the fact that if a lady politician choked up just once, she’d be written off as hormonal and overly emotional (and if she never does, then she’s cold and unfeeling), whereas Boehner cries all the time, and it’s showing how much he cares about American values and the American dream.

    Friday, November 5, 2010 at 1:36 pm | Permalink