As some of you may (but most of you probably do not) know, I have gone back home to Ohio. What are my reasons? They are multiple! But, most crucially, they have to do with my dark plans to distract you all with blog posts as I ascend to heretofore-unimaginable heights of power. Flash back, with me, to July of 2009, will you? When I wrote the following:
In truth, of course, feminism could not be less important to me. I mean, women! Who cares? Am I right, fellas? “Sady Doyle,” that interminable ranter-on about the ladybusiness, is nothing more than a construct, an elaborate fiction meant to ensure my success. In reality, I am dogged anti-choice advocate and Ohio state Representative John Boehner.
Well: It’s SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE BOEHNER now, suckers! Now, behold my immense passion, via YouTube.
What? That’s not enough? You want MORE immense passion, from PREVIOUSLY in my top-secret yet lucrative and successful career? You got it!
You may leave your many congratulations in the comments. Or don’t. But probably you should, because I AM IN CHARGE OF YOU. In charge of ALL of you! Say goodbye to your precious abortions! Under my rule, every fetus will be granted full voting rights! And also a job at the post office! And a reasonably priced, tastefully modern condo! BWA-HA-HA-HA…. oh. Oh, God. You guys, this is really a big deal for me, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna choke up a little, I SWORE TO MYSELF I WOULDN’T DO THIS…