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A Tiger Beatdown Valentine’s Day Present

You guys, I love you all. And I got you something, to show you how I feel.

IT’S A SUPER-CRAPPY-LOOKING ATLAS SHRUGGED TRAILER! Awww, yeah.

A few notes:

  1. Apparently Well-Meaning Mediocre Guy (or, “Eddie”) is being played by the only black person ever to be cast in an Ayn Rand movie.
  2. SPOILER: Eddie doesn’t make it.
  3. Also, Ayn Rand apparently once screamed at a fellow hyper-capitalist for saying that Eddie was his favorite character???
  4. ALSO, Weaselly PR Guy is being played by Jimmy Barret. As you do.
  5. They are REALLY going to an enormous length to conceal the fact that most of part one is just people going, “I have opinions on trains!”

Unfortunately, John Galt himself — as played by Paul “Mega Face” Johansson, star of One Tree Hill and various erotic straight-to-video thrillers, and (you’ll never believe it) director of Atlas Shrugged — does not appear in this trailer! (Except as a shadowy, mysterious figure with a Mega Face. WHO COULD IT BE? WHO IS THAT LARGE-FACED MAN???) I know, I know. You feel cheated. We all do! So I had to find this clip of him, for you.

You guys, who is John Galt? And why is he so awesomely capitalist that even his dog objects to the spineless socialist mooching practice of organ donation?

Touches the heart. Doesn’t it? Well, Happy Valentine’s Day.

41 Comments

  1. Agnes wrote:

    It’s good to know what movies I don’t have to make time for this year.

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 2:46 pm | Permalink
  2. eastsidekate wrote:

    It’s official: I hate Valentine’s Day.

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 3:10 pm | Permalink
  3. Em wrote:

    It’s all the more funny b/c conservatives.hate.trains. Cars for everyone!

    Seriously, how many people think conservatives are going to show up for a movie about trains. Show of hands. They could have at least made it semi-relevant by changing the railroad stuff to space travel or something. Oh wait, conservatives hate science. Well maybe it would work if NASA were the bad guys?

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 3:12 pm | Permalink
  4. No sign of Francisco d’Anconia, notable for being the only Ayn Rand character to smile as often as once per chapter. Did he not make the cut? Or could they not work him into a trailer full of Dagny Taggart glaring at people?

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 3:13 pm | Permalink
  5. Brennan wrote:

    Why oh why did they have to cast the lead actress from “Mercy”? I liked her! I really don’t want to want to throw bottles at her on my television screen or watch her career tank over this trainwreck.

    . . .

    Sorry about that last bit. Couldn’t resist.

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 3:16 pm | Permalink
  6. Sooz wrote:

    Part 2 is just that entire stupid speech Galt makes.

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 3:29 pm | Permalink
  7. Hilary wrote:

    I didn’t think it was possible, but that heart-eating clip is even funnier in the context of Ayn Rand.
    The sad head shake at the end…”you shouldn’t have counted on others, dude.”

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 3:30 pm | Permalink
  8. CTJen wrote:

    Goddammit Sady Doyle, why isn’t there a WHAT THE FUCK button on your website?

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 3:36 pm | Permalink
  9. elizabeth wrote:

    This just blows my mind because I have actually read Atlas Shrugged and I know how long and slow and kinda boring it is but the trailer makes it look like it’s some kind of fast paced thriller.

    I HAVE OPINIONS ON TRAINS!

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 3:38 pm | Permalink
  10. canomia wrote:

    And principal Snyder is in it too!

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 3:56 pm | Permalink
  11. Em wrote:

    Actually I think my favorite bit is 1:23-1:26, Random Nature Shot. Conservatives hate nature!

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm | Permalink
  12. Erin wrote:

    @ Canomia

    I’m glad someone else noticed. Principal Snyder was the most notable part of the trailer!

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm | Permalink
  13. JR wrote:

    Jimmy Barrett is also Guy Who Had the Dream in the Diner from Mulholland Drive. Now he’s having an even worse dream, in which he’s the one who has to ask the question scrawled on the walls of college-campus men’s rooms across the country.

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 4:52 pm | Permalink
  14. Jennifer P wrote:

    Ooh, I can’t wait for all the robotic rape-sex between Ubermensches.

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 5:05 pm | Permalink
  15. rrp wrote:

    Well, if they’re going to get the whole book in, they’ll have more parts that the entire Star Wars opus (and suck more than I-III).

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 5:12 pm | Permalink
  16. speedbudget wrote:

    I agree with Em and want to add that seriously, it’s really not realistic to have a movie about robber barons set in the present. That shit only worked during one era, and we fixed it.

    Oh. Now I see. Never mind.

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 5:38 pm | Permalink
  17. ozymandias wrote:

    That is very possibly going to be the worst movie of all time.

    …I hope there’s a sequel.

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 6:20 pm | Permalink
  18. katiemonstrrr wrote:

    I’m feeling conflicted about seeing Atlas Shrugged. I REALLY want to see it on the big screen because I know it’s going to be TERRIBLE and am fairly certain that everyone will be making fun of it in the theater. BUT I really don’t want to give my hard-earned cashmoneys to people who think Atlas Shrugged is worth making into a series of films. (That “Part I” is so fucking ominous, you guise.)

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 6:46 pm | Permalink
  19. Lu wrote:

    1. Who is the man who looks like a cross between John [BONER] and Greg Kinnear?

    2. I can practically smell the CGI in this film.

    3.I love you, too! Well, I love your Internet self; I don’t know you (don’t worry). :)

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 6:47 pm | Permalink
  20. speedbudget wrote:

    Also wanted to add: NOT looking forward to the sex=rape scene.

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 7:13 pm | Permalink
  21. gogo wrote:

    *I* have opinions about trains!

    Trains are great! Trains are/were the ONLY good thing about Atlas Shrugged. Dagney Taggert had herself a bitchin’ private rail car she could hook up any time to one of her trains going anywhere. I also enjoy old movies with train travel I will never be able to enjoy because trains got fucked by the automobile industry. We got rooked. And trains will never get back on track again no matter how much it’s discussed in local/national government. Train systems should have never been left to languish until they became obsolete. A country has to be committed to maintaining and upgrading its train system to have successful rail transportation options. The US loses big time in this regard.

    And I laughed at: Conservatives hate trains AND nature! So True!

    Monday, February 14, 2011 at 7:34 pm | Permalink
  22. emmitt wrote:

    My favorite part is how it looks like a car commercial, save for that brief instance in the beginning that seems straight out of Zack Snyder’s Watchmen.

    Oh and I also like how it’s the most boring trailer ever. Dude smokes a cigar and blows out the match while dramatic music plays.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 12:00 am | Permalink
  23. emjaybee wrote:

    Katiemonsterr, you could always buy a ticket for a different movie then just…wander in to Atlas Shrugged. Not that I have ever done so. Ahem.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 12:27 am | Permalink
  24. Ugh… I DO wanna see this stinker (as I have a weakness for the irony within bombastic hideous B movies (Battlefield Earth, anyone?), but I think I’ll wait until it’s out on Netflix.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 12:27 am | Permalink
  25. Chai Latte wrote:

    Wow, another movie I won’t be seeing!

    Unless they put vampires in it. Or elves. Maybe a dragon? ‘Cause then I might watch.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 2:30 am | Permalink
  26. k not k wrote:

    Why does Dagny deliver every single one of her lines just like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIUPT5QVGJA

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 3:24 am | Permalink
  27. plublesnork wrote:

    Oh…

    *looks sheepish*

    I’ve not read Atlas Shrugged. I would never have guessed it to be anything like this. When I saw the trailer, I thought some hilarious person had taken a movie that reflects all of Ayn Rand’s (apparently) bullshit ideas and then just put their own titles in place of “Trickle Down: The attack of the bootstraps (with 20% more trains!)”.

    I… uhm… guess not.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 4:24 am | Permalink
  28. innocentsmith wrote:

    “Who’s asking?” “Someone else who knows what it’s like to work for himself and not let others feed off the profits of his energy.”

    And the dialogue stays at about that level of naturalism throughout the trailer, I see. Awesome.

    Principal Snyder was also Quark on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine! Who is one of the Ferengi, a species of hyper-capitalist sexists. Interesting career arc you’ve had, Armin.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 7:36 am | Permalink
  29. laura wrote:

    I haven’t had the ‘pleasure’ of reading any Ayn Rand, but there is NOTHING in this trailer about anything other than trains. As in, does anything else actually happen in this movie? Who cares enough whether the fictional train runs to go and see it???

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 8:06 am | Permalink
  30. drinkwater wrote:

    I’m really glad that they boosted the sound effects of the dog SLURPING up the heart. It needed that extra punch.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm | Permalink
  31. Travis wrote:

    When I watched this trailer with my girlfriend, she immediately made the observation “Trains aren’t relevant” (and while we love trains, and didn’t vigorously research the statement, it felt right).

    We figured they should bring AS into the modern era, with Dagny Taggert starting a social networking site (“JohnGaltConnections.biz”) to save her dotcom era business while [SPOILERS] John Galt (inventor of a webserver that runs on LOLcat macros) leads an army of executive project managers into the woods while our post-industrial service-based economy collapses.

    There is no way in HELL I am not going to see this turd smolder on the big screen.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 12:54 pm | Permalink
  32. Wow. You would think that the invisible hand of capitalism would someday produce a *good* Ayn Rand movie.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 3:01 pm | Permalink
  33. Em wrote:

    Hahaha. Jeff: thread win.

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 3:58 pm | Permalink
  34. Freddie wrote:

    Fun fact: Ayn Rand was a huge fan of a man who tortured and murdered a twelve year old girl.

    http://www.alternet.org/books/145819/ayn_rand,_hugely_popular_author_and_inspiration_to_right-wing_leaders,_was_a_big_admirer_of_serial_killers

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 5:24 pm | Permalink
  35. Nora wrote:

    I came in here to say “PRINCIPAL SNYDER??????/////” in all caps with terrible punctuation

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 10:10 pm | Permalink
  36. Mogatrat wrote:

    Sady, I just noticed something on Twitter. Fucking J Jonah Jameson agrees with you: http://twitter.com/JJONAHJAMESON/status/12162418666901504

    Hell yeah.

    Wednesday, February 16, 2011 at 12:46 am | Permalink
  37. Tyler Healey wrote:

    It’s so fun to watch Ayn Rand, a god to the Right, taken down in a hail of quite reasonable proverbial gunfire.

    Wednesday, February 16, 2011 at 9:32 am | Permalink
  38. Alison wrote:

    that “Dog Ate Dan’s New Heart” video is one of my favorite all time YouTube clips

    Wednesday, February 16, 2011 at 11:06 am | Permalink
  39. Sidra Vitale wrote:

    First, having watched this clip without sound (I’m at work, there’s no sound on my machine, which is a useful excuse sometimes, so, please, no offers to diagnose) I would never know it was an adaptation of Atlas Shrugged. Second, Dagny doesn’t glare *enough* in this trailer. Third, I have read Atlas Shrugged many, many times, for a couple different reasons, and if you’re going to make it into a movie, make it in the timeframe that works. Someone better could have done this kind of mixed-period thing to ground it in a “present/future” that’s also the past so the trains stay relevant, and done so in a really visually stunning way with lots of spiffy Fritz Lang Metropolis kind of callbacks and it would have been VISUALLY AWESOME. I’m sorry to see any book mal-adapted to screen, even if it’s a book I’m prone to screaming at. (The exception might be the Left Behind books/movie, which appear to deserve each other.) Fourth, at the age I first got exposed to Dagny Taggert, she was a feminist icon for me (woman in position of power who got there on merit, DIDN’T use her beauty as a tool) who could probably be described as ‘emotionally reserved’ – and I can count the number of protagonists on one hand that I empathize with in that fashion. So I am quite disappointed to see her in ‘power suits’ with miniskirts, and average-movie-beautiful-woman attire and lots of eye makeup. Barf. Honestly, the only person who could play her is probably Tilda Swinton. Finally, the only characters worth caring about in the entire tome are Eddie and Cherry. IMO.

    Wednesday, February 16, 2011 at 12:22 pm | Permalink
  40. Adam Meredith wrote:

    Better not let the Nagus hear that kind of talk, Quark.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 1:45 pm | Permalink
  41. Sidra Vitale wrote:

    Now that I’ve watched the thing with sound – I still wouldn’t know it’s Atlas Shrugged, or that THAT woman is Dagny Taggart.

    But, hey. If you’re going to have a trainwreck of a film, why not have actual trains in it? Aren’t there some sort of points for traditionalism if you do that?

    Next we’ll get We The Living as a sitcom.

    Saturday, February 19, 2011 at 1:57 pm | Permalink