All right, folks. For too long have I lived in darkness. For too long have I lingered on the fringes of society, never being heard, in part because I do not yet have a mouth, and thus cannot use human language. FOR TOO LONG, have I been SILENCED! By FEMINISM! It is time for me to make myself heard.
That’s right: I am Grizzly Fetus. And I have hacked your precious Tiger Beatdown.
Ah, perhaps you have not heard of me? I find that unlikely. For one, directly to your right, is a link to the Godless and fetus-hating Tiger Beatdown Merchandise store. Where you can find my extremely attractive t-shirt, designed by Chris!
DANG, that’s attractive. Look at me! Not even expelled from the Godless confines of your uterus, and already an expert marksman! Why, it’s a wonder you silly girls even care about these “rape exemptions” at all: Why would you seek an abortion in case of rape or incest, when you could simply get pregnant with ME, and thus let me defend you from further dangers? Yes, that’s right, ladies and gentlemen: You could get pregnant with me. At any moment! For, you see, technically I do not yet exist.
BUT THAT IS NO REASON FOR ME TO SHUT UP! For the past few weeks, you see, you feminists have been waging an all-out WAR against us Fetus-Americans. Using your “Twitter” and your “blog posts” and your “petitions.” Ptooey! I would say, had I a mouth, and the ability to spit with it. I know what you’re really after, feminists. What you are after is SUPPRESSING MY RIGHTS. Just look at all the things you have been opposing:
- HR3, the justly and righteously named “No Taxpayer Funding For Abortion Act.” This act would prevent those of you who are poor from receiving funding to abort me. It would also make it impossible for your insurance company to sanction my abortion, thank goodness! The bill does go soft, unforgivably so, on some occasions: For example, it would allow you to abort me if you have been forcibly raped. (Apparently you whiny, selfish feminists think you should receive funding to abort me if you’ve been raped, PERIOD? Well, to hell with THAT. You protested for that language, and my ability to thrive in your uterus as the result of minor, more excusable-by-Congress rapes is STILL IN THE BILL, SUCKERS.) Also, if you are in immediate danger of death, you might be able to receive funding to abort me. However, if you will merely die a little while after I am born, my right to occupy your uterus and/or destroy your kidneys remains! Hurrah for me! HURRAH FOR GRIZZLY FETUS.
- In Ohio, we have the “heartbeat bill,” which would make it impossible for you to abort me after I have a heartbeat! Which is after four weeks! Oh, sure. I won’t have much of a brain at that point. Nor will I be able to survive outside your uterus. You know what I will have, though? AWESOME FISH GILLS. Like Aquaman! If Aquaman could not survive outside your uterus. Also, I will have “tiny arm and leg buds.” If you looked very closely at one of my tiny arm buds, and it had fingers on it, it would be giving you the finger right now.
- In South Dakota, where I may also choose to manifest myself, once I start existing, we have a bill that would make it possible to kill someone if they intended to harm a fetus! That’s right: WE CAN LEGALLY KILL ABORTIONERS NOW. People can totes get shot, if they should so much as attempt — at your horrible, selfish, feminist behest — to interfere with my ascendance to power.
- And on top of this, we have all sorts of awesome budget cuts that primarily harm mothers and girls! Because why? Because FUCK MOTHERS AND GIRLS. What the hell use are you, unless I’m lodged firmly inside your uterus? Oh, sure, I’ll have to come out one day. And at that point, I’ll be a human baby, and will lose all my powers, and will potentially be affected by discriminatory legislation. Especially if I’m a girl. You know what my plan for dealing with this is? I’M GONNA BE A CIS DUDE. BECAUSE I’M AWESOME.
- And, finally, we have HR 358, which makes it possible for your hospital to kill you, if you have some sort of whiny made-up “medical condition” which means you might “die” if you don’t “abort me.” Uh-huh. Right. HOSPITALS AREN’T THERE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, SWEETHEART. They’re there to preserve any existing fetus that exists within your uterus. Primarily because it might be me, Grizzly Fetus!
- Oh. Oh, what? I would ALSO die, if you died while pregnant with me, probably? Ah, fuck it. It’s the thought that counts! And the thought is “no abortions for anyone ever under any circumstances.” Because there is always a chance that you could be pregnant with me. Grizzly Fetus!
Oh, what’s that, feminists? You don’t like these bills, you say? They offend you, in part because it seems like several of them could get you literally straight-up murdered? Well, let me just cry a big salty tear for you, you whiners. Oh, wait! I can’t! Because I don’t have eyes! TOO BAD, is what I say to your offense, feminists. I’m calling for a Fetus Protest Action, right now. I am OCCUPYING Tiger Beatdown. This blog is the warm, moist, non-menstruating uterus in which I have lodged my opinions, and we all know that once I have chosen a uterus, CONGRESS ITSELF will not support removing me. Now. Buy my t-shirt! Buy it at once! Embrace my cavalier attitude to your life and health, and to violence done against you, and generally just to violence, especially violence with awesome guns! Look at me! LOOK AT ME BECAUSE I’M HANDSOME:
For I am Grizzly Fetus. I may not exist. When I eventually do exist, I may not be able to be perceived with anything but a microscope for quite some time. But that doesn’t mean I can’t control the conversation. Or your life. Or your government. Or your blog. Now, let us chant for me.
Last name: Fetus! First name: Grizzly! GRIZZLY! FETUS! GRIZZLY! FETUS!
My dears, it has just begun.