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All right, folks. For too long have I lived in darkness. For too long have I lingered on the fringes of society, never being heard, in part because I do not yet have a mouth, and thus cannot use human language. FOR TOO LONG, have I been SILENCED! By FEMINISM! It is time for me to make myself heard.

That’s right: I am Grizzly Fetus. And I have hacked your precious Tiger Beatdown.

Ah, perhaps you have not heard of me? I find that unlikely. For one, directly to your right, is a link to the Godless and fetus-hating Tiger Beatdown Merchandise store. Where you can find my extremely attractive t-shirt, designed by Chris!

DANG, that’s attractive. Look at me! Not even expelled from the Godless confines of your uterus, and already an expert marksman! Why, it’s a wonder you silly girls even care about these “rape exemptions” at all: Why would you seek an abortion in case of rape or incest, when you could simply get pregnant with ME, and thus let me defend you from further dangers? Yes, that’s right, ladies and gentlemen: You could get pregnant with me. At any moment! For, you see, technically I do not yet exist.

BUT THAT IS NO REASON FOR ME TO SHUT UP! For the past few weeks, you see, you feminists have been waging an all-out WAR against us Fetus-Americans. Using your “Twitter” and your “blog posts” and your “petitions.” Ptooey! I would say, had I a mouth, and the ability to spit with it. I know what you’re really after, feminists. What you are after is SUPPRESSING MY RIGHTS. Just look at all the things you have been opposing:

  • HR3, the justly and righteously named “No Taxpayer Funding For Abortion Act.” This act would prevent those of you who are poor from receiving funding to abort me. It would also make it impossible for your insurance company to sanction my abortion, thank goodness! The bill does go soft, unforgivably so, on some occasions: For example, it would allow you to abort me if you have been forcibly raped. (Apparently you whiny, selfish feminists think you should receive funding to abort me if you’ve been raped, PERIOD? Well, to hell with THAT. You protested for that language, and my ability to thrive in your uterus as the result of minor, more excusable-by-Congress rapes is STILL IN THE BILL, SUCKERS.) Also, if you are in immediate danger of death, you might be able to receive funding to abort me. However, if you will merely die a little while after I am born, my right to occupy your uterus and/or destroy your kidneys remains! Hurrah for me! HURRAH FOR GRIZZLY FETUS.
  • In Ohio, we have the “heartbeat bill,” which would make it impossible for you to abort me after I have a heartbeat! Which is after four weeks! Oh, sure. I won’t have much of a brain at that point. Nor will I be able to survive outside your uterus. You know what I will have, though? AWESOME FISH GILLS. Like Aquaman! If Aquaman could not survive outside your uterus. Also, I will have “tiny arm and leg buds.” If you looked very closely at one of my tiny arm buds, and it had fingers on it, it would be giving you the finger right now.
  • In South Dakota, where I may also choose to manifest myself, once I start existing, we have a bill that would make it possible to kill someone if they intended to harm a fetus! That’s right: WE CAN LEGALLY KILL ABORTIONERS NOW. People can totes get shot, if they should so much as attempt — at your horrible, selfish, feminist behest — to interfere with my ascendance to power.
  • And on top of this, we have all sorts of awesome budget cuts that primarily harm mothers and girls! Because why? Because FUCK MOTHERS AND GIRLS. What the hell use are you, unless I’m lodged firmly inside your uterus? Oh, sure, I’ll have to come out one day. And at that point, I’ll be a human baby, and will lose all my powers, and will potentially be affected by discriminatory legislation. Especially if I’m a girl. You know what my plan for dealing with this is? I’M GONNA BE A CIS DUDE. BECAUSE I’M AWESOME.
  • And, finally, we have HR 358, which makes it possible for your hospital to kill you, if you have some sort of whiny made-up “medical condition” which means you might “die” if you don’t “abort me.” Uh-huh. Right. HOSPITALS AREN’T THERE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, SWEETHEART. They’re there to preserve any existing fetus that exists within your uterus. Primarily because it might be me, Grizzly Fetus!
  • Oh. Oh, what? I would ALSO die, if you died while pregnant with me, probably? Ah, fuck it. It’s the thought that counts! And the thought is “no abortions for anyone ever under any circumstances.” Because there is always a chance that you could be pregnant with me. Grizzly Fetus!

Oh, what’s that, feminists? You don’t like these bills, you say? They offend you, in part because it seems like several of them could get you literally straight-up murdered? Well, let me just cry a big salty tear for you, you whiners. Oh, wait! I can’t! Because I don’t have eyes! TOO BAD, is what I say to your offense, feminists. I’m calling for a Fetus Protest Action, right now. I am OCCUPYING Tiger Beatdown. This blog is the warm, moist, non-menstruating uterus in which I have lodged my opinions, and we all know that once I have chosen a uterus, CONGRESS ITSELF will not support removing me. Now. Buy my t-shirt! Buy it at once! Embrace my cavalier attitude to your life and health, and to violence done against you, and generally just to violence, especially violence with awesome guns! Look at me! LOOK AT ME BECAUSE I’M HANDSOME:

For I am Grizzly Fetus. I may not exist. When I eventually do exist, I may not be able to be perceived with anything but a microscope for quite some time. But that doesn’t mean I can’t control the conversation. Or your life. Or your government. Or your blog. Now, let us chant for me.

Last name: Fetus! First name: Grizzly! GRIZZLY! FETUS! GRIZZLY! FETUS!

My dears, it has just begun.


  1. Siobhan wrote:

    I have no idea why you are thinking this… Do you not see this as the satire it is? Or do you see it, and believe that the collection of cells is more important than a woman’s life?

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm | Permalink
  2. alanna wrote:

    I am simultaneously laughing hysterically and crying with rage. Well played, Grizzly Fetus. Well played.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 12:29 pm | Permalink
  3. Jess wrote:

    Brb, loling forever.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 12:39 pm | Permalink
  4. Lilly's fetus wrote:

    Hi Grizzly Fetus! We’re so glad that you’ve decided to take over this godless website and make it what it should be – an homage to you, Grizzly Fetus! Maybe now we can get some real fetal rights up in here, and those women will stop bellyaching about not getting raped or whatever!

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 12:46 pm | Permalink
  5. Mandy wrote:

    I hope folks let this lie instead of giving it the attention it’s so desperately begging for.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 1:02 pm | Permalink
  6. AnthroK8 wrote:

    Aie! Imagine my shock when I saw “the End of Tiger Beatdown” on a smartphone, and didn’t realize it was The Beginning of the Reign of Grizzlyfetus, and not, say, THE END OF TIGER BEATDOWN.


    Also, Jonathan Swift is looking down from wherever he is, and he is pleased.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 1:16 pm | Permalink
  7. emjaybee wrote:

    Grizzly Fetus is like Schroedinger’s cat, if the cat was a fetus; both there and not-there. You don’t know till you open the box/take the test!

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 1:22 pm | Permalink
  8. Yael Tiferet wrote:

    Clearly the only way to deal with this is free abortions for everyone, to make sure you don’t get born and grow up to vote, Grizzly Fetus.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 1:31 pm | Permalink
  9. AnthroK8 wrote:

    @5 Mandy: “I hope folks let this lie instead of giving it the attention it’s so desperately begging for.”

    I hope this is some kind of Swiftian commentary? Or maybe you’re responding to some kind of disappeared comment?

    Just in case it’s not. OR, just in case someone else wants to come along and say “ignore Grizzly Fetus and he will go away.” I’ll just preemptively say…

    Ah… I see you are representing the position of the Republican Party/Some Democrats busily trying to make the Hyde Ammendment permanent legislation. How nice of you!

    Unfortunately, pro-choice people with uterii know, if you let it lie, the next thing you know, you’re up No Rights Creek without insurance.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 1:32 pm | Permalink
  10. Keensiepeach wrote:

    Oh, Sady, you make my ladyface crack a smile even when anti-choice legislation scares me into looking up one-way tickets to other countries.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 1:48 pm | Permalink
  11. Dani Alexis wrote:

    Grizzly Fetus! Who plans to become a CIS DUDE! You are just who I need to answer my question:

    I am a ladyperson who possesses a uterus. This uterus cannot support life. Any life, not even Grizzly Fetus’s life. It is, however, the only uterus I have.

    Therefore, given all this ladydiscrimination lately, would I get back some kind of rights if I moved into my own uterus, thus making me a sort of uterus-dwelling-fetuslike-person? Or does my lack of gills sort of shoot that plan to hell?

    I’d appreciate an answer as soon as possible. Because that thar uterus is going to require some pretty extensive renovations if I’m going to fit inside with my entire DVD collection AND the popcorn, so I’d like to start as soon as possible. Thanks!

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 2:34 pm | Permalink
  12. jpg wrote:

    i for one welcome our fetal overlords.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 2:48 pm | Permalink
  13. Suzers wrote:

    I was so depressed about how the majority of the House just does not give a fuck about my existence this morning, and then I read this. And I literally shrieked with laughter. Thank you, Grizzly Fetus. Sady, you are my hero.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 3:42 pm | Permalink
  14. a.b. wrote:

    Thank you for following all these fucking depressing posts with Grizzly Fetus. Smiles were needed. And that’s a dern cute shirt, too.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 5:42 pm | Permalink
  15. Ennu wrote:

    Grizzly Fetus! I propose a catchphrase: You can’t hide from what’s inside…of your uterus.

    Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 8:57 pm | Permalink
  16. raddad wrote:

    just for kicks I googled tiger vs grizzly, just to prove the internet is weird, I got hits. Here is the first one:
    the tiger wins

    Friday, February 18, 2011 at 12:51 pm | Permalink
  17. Tracey wrote:

    Thanks so much for this, Sady. Laughter is the best medicine.

    I do, however, wish that you would stop making my broke college student self spend money on your hilarious t-shirts. My Grizzly Fetus shirt is on its way!

    Friday, February 18, 2011 at 2:12 pm | Permalink
  18. Chevy wrote:

    And @ Dani Alexis: I am so stealing that plan.

    Saturday, February 19, 2011 at 9:02 pm | Permalink
  19. Alyson wrote:

    Oh wow…one of my good friends would completely love that shirt. But her birthday isn’t until November. Conundrum!
    Regardless, this was hilarious.

    Sunday, February 20, 2011 at 6:29 pm | Permalink