Skip to content

The End of Grizzly Fetus

Friends: You may have noticed that Tiger Beatdown is a little quieter than usual. There are several reasons for this. For one, there is the Bi-Coastal Tiger Beatdown Tour happening right now, with me writing this on a bus to Boston, and Garland heading off to Austin for the SXSW. (“The South” is a coast, right? It’s the South Coast. It’s further South than other things. But North of others! Such as, for example, Mexico. GEOGRAPHY LESSON OVER!) For two, I was tired! And for three, I was recovering from a very specific, potentially imaginary medical procedure. You see, I have had… AN ABLOGTION.

Yes, it’s true. Grizzly Fetus is no more. Well, he is not on this BLOG any more, anyway. Truly, I never thought this day would come! And yet, I was lucky. In the end, the person who helped me to blogbort Grizzly Fetus was Grizzly Fetus himself.

It’s a complicated tale, to be sure. Any weblortion is; this is the precise reason why we need free and unfettered access to imaginary medical procedures for removing equally imaginary fetuses from our non-imaginary blogs. Who can foresee all of the complications that might arise, during an imaginary fetus’s time as a blog contributor? Who can accurately gauge all of the reasons a person might want a fetus extracted from his or her “Users” list? What piece of legislation can really cover all of the potential scenarios, and what, precisely, gives someone the right to decide that one reason for ablorgting is any better or more valid than any other reason?

But, in the end, as I’ve said, it came down to Grizzly Fetus himself. And mostly he was just pissy because other fetuses were getting more attention.

It was the Columbus Two that got to him, I think. I won’t claim that Grizzly Fetus and I have ever been friends, but I think I know him pretty well, at this point — it was my blog he got himself lodged in, after all — and one thing I know is that he’s a fairly ambitious fetus. (Well. “Ambitious” is one way to put it. Another way might be “grandstanding” and “self-promoting” and “obnoxious.” But he’s not on my blog any more! So I don’t have to worry about it!) To be honest, like a lot of unborn yet ambitious folks, I think that he thought he could ascend to power very quickly, without paying his dues. First fetus blogger, first fetus politician, first fetus President, etc. So imagine his suprise when he learned that other fetuses — fetuses that were not imaginary — were already making legislation!

Yes, that a link to a video of two fetuses “testifying” (their testimony would appear to be “slight rhythmic bumping noise!” Or, in one fetus’s case, “…”) in beautiful Columbus, Ohio. Hometown of Sady Doyle, and now, apparently, home to Professor Baby-Talk and Her Traveling Fetal Circus. Yes, there is much of absurdity to enjoy, at the Fetal Circus. (Professor Baby-Talk, on Pam Stenzel and/or an imaginary fetus’s feelings on rape and incest exemptions: “My Daddy raped my Mommy, but did I deserve the death penalty?” No, but that sentence does. As does Professor Baby-Talk’s forthcoming series on sexual assault, “Oh, No! I Got an Owie in My Hoo-Ha, And Now Nasty Mean Ladies Are Telling Me I Have Rights,” which I just made up, because BARF. CAN WE PLEASE NOT BE CUTE ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT RIGHT NOW, PROFESSOR.) But it was too much for Grizzly Fetus!

“For God’s sake, Doyle,” is what he said to me, “BLOGGING? Why the Hell did I think I could accomplish anything by BLOGGING? You certainly haven’t. Look at you!”

“Yes, Grizzly Fetus,” I said, in tones of warm encouragement, “look at me. Do you want this to be your life?”

“Just the other day, you got mustard on the INSIDE OF YOUR JEANS,” said Grizzly Fetus.

“It certainly is a predicament,” I replied. “And should you continue blogging…”

“You’ve made ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF YOUR LIFE!” Grizzly Fetus continued. “RARELY have I seen such a sad spectacle! Although I can’t see, because I don’t technically have eyes yet! But the stench of your pathetic failure radiates even through my imaginary eye buds! Which can also, I’ve decided, smell failure!”

“GRIZZLY FETUS!” I said. “YOUR POINT IS PROVEN. And, of course, correct. There’s very little you can accomplish by blogging. Perhaps if you changed careers?”

“QUIET, Doyle,” said Grizzly Fetus. “Your half of the conversation, much like all of your articles, has gone WAY over word count. I was going to tell you about this idea I had! All by myself! About how I should change careers!”

“You don’t mean…”

“YES, Doyle,” said Grizzly Fetus. “The best course of action for me is, clearly, PUBLIC SPEAKING! All I need is a host, and a stupid lady, and a microphone, and a heartbeat, and the apparently boundless complacency of the great state of Ohio, and I am SET! The American public will not be able to resist my charisma!”

“Oh, I am sure they would not, Grizzly Fetus!” I said. “But you would have to incarnate yourself. Which means you would have to quit blogging.”

“ONCE MORE I AM FORCED TO ASK YOU TO SHUT UP,” said Grizzly Fetus. “I am too busy trying to incarnate myself right now.”

“I’ll miss you, Grizzly Fetus,” I said.

“I have to go now,” said Grizzly Fetus. “My home planet needs me.”

And then he was gone. Thoroughly blogborted from this plane of existence. And his t-shirts raised $75! Woo! So, yes, America (or: the portion of America that reads Tiger Beatdown, and also maybe Canada or whatever, too): We have reached the End of Grizzly Fetus. Use condoms, if you need to, and don’t be shy about aborting any stray unwanted fetuses you find hanging around the uterus. After all, you never know where Grizzly Fetus will strike next.

Although it will probably be on Twitter.


  1. Whaddaya doing in Boston? (Not that we’re stalking you or anything)

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 4:50 pm | Permalink
  2. Caitiecat wrote:

    Sady, would you be at all interested in running to become Prime Minister of Canada? We have no pesky birthplace requirements, so you don’t run into the Governator’s issue, and even if the only thing you know about the country is how to say the name, you’d be a more knowledgeable and empathetic PM than the Harpertron 5000 (Tory member for Uncanny Valley).

    Just a thought. I think the Tiger Beatdown Party (Canada) would get a lot of votes, and also have by far the best hospitality suite at the big convention.

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 5:36 pm | Permalink
  3. Katherine wrote:

    I just can’t stop giggling at the word “blogbort”. Hee hee!

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 6:02 pm | Permalink
  4. K__ wrote:

    this isn’t going to sound right, but in a way I would have liked to see more of Grizzly Fetus. There’s no way to make that statement sound right.

    We never even got to have any tacky Grizzly Fetus keychains.

    According to this press release, the Senate rejected the Planned Parenthood & Title X de-funding bills today. So he probably would have gotten all mad anyway when he found out.

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 6:13 pm | Permalink
  5. ari wrote:

    hi sady – wasnt sure where to send a question. did you see the nyt coverage of the 11 year old child that was raped in texas. it includes this quote “Residents in the neighborhood where the abandoned trailer stands — known as the Quarters — said the victim had been visiting various friends there for months. They said she dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s. She would hang out with teenage boys at a playground, some said.”
    can you post on this? she is 11.
    and no matter how old she is, even if she was 35 and older than all the men who raped her, she was raped, i dont care what she was wearing….

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 7:00 pm | Permalink
  6. Chevy wrote:

    @ CaitieCat: Best idea ever!

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 8:10 pm | Permalink
  7. Octavia wrote:

    “Your half of the conversation, much like all of your articles, has gone WAY over word count.”

    ^ Fist bump from one wordy feminist to another.

    I too got attached to the little arsehole. But inevitably he discovered that really he’s not that special (even less so if he decides to do something silly like get himself born).

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 8:32 pm | Permalink
  8. tehKenny wrote:

    “Imaginary medical procedures” is my new band name. No, you can’t have it back. Mine.

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 9:37 pm | Permalink
  9. drinkwater wrote:

    Third coast: Some call it the third coast. I don’t think anybody calls it the Southcoast, not to my knowledge, although it’s a big coast, so there’s plenty of opportunities for variation.

    Thursday, March 10, 2011 at 2:15 am | Permalink
  10. Travis wrote:

    I’m founding the world’s first ICIPIC (Imaginary Crisis Imaginary Pregnancy Imaginary Center) to give you the counseling/shaming you need/deserve to get over your post webortion depression, and bring you into the light of, I don’t know, Internet God or, or something. I need to call AAA, my joke broke down.

    RIP GF,
    0000 – 0000

    Thursday, March 10, 2011 at 3:34 am | Permalink
  11. Dru wrote:

    “Canada or whatever, too” Yay!

    Monday, March 21, 2011 at 8:00 pm | Permalink
  12. Satan wrote:

    i’m so glad that little fucker is gone. but tell me, when will you remove the “blog about fetuses” banner? seeing that is still giving me the proverbial bad taste in my mouth.

    Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 6:15 am | Permalink