Ladies! Are you single? Don’t be silly, of course you are. Why else are you reading the Internet, and not lying in a field of wildflowers, gently running your fingers through your man’s hair? (Yes, he would be a man. Yes, he would be, SHUT UP.) Well, ladies, before the loneliness consumes your very entrails and leaves you a bitter shell (a gradual, medically documented process that I must warn you has probably already set in, what with you reading the feminist blogs and all) I would like to extend a helping hand to you. For, you see, I have read on numerous occasions, in numerous publications for the womenfolk, that people are actually meeting their sex partners and/or reasons to live… on the very Internet itself!
I know! I know! All the joy and sense of purpose that comes from searching for your soulmate, without the tiresome restrictions of having to comb your hair and wear pants! Well, ladies, never say that I don’t care about your happiness. I mean, I don’t; you are a stranger on the Internet, and for all I know you could have a collection of human hands in your freezer. But I still don’t want you to SAY it, because that hurts my feelings. And why would you want to hurt my feelings, when I am going to help you find your new man?
For, you see, ladies, I know the sort of man you want. You want a man who is on-trend, and caught up with the current events of the day. You want a man who participates in discussions about issues of social importance. You want a man who gets straight to the point, in 140 characters or less! You, ladies, want a man who Tweeted #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend this weekend.
Oh, my gosh! Stop yelling at me! We have already established the importance of my feelings! Yes, ladies, I know this is counter-intuitive. But bear with me. #Reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend, which was the top Trending Topic on Twitter this weekend was very much a mixed bag. From my expert analysis, which consisted of sitting in front of the computer and hitting “refresh” a lot, it broke down as follows:
- 40% people Tweeting some equivalent of “DON’T FREAKING HIT YOUR GIRLFRIEND or LIST REASONS TO DO SO you UTTER TOOLS.” These people are not your new man.
- 25% people Tweeting some equivalent of “OMG WTF people Tweeting about hitting girlfriends I want to DIIEEEEEE.” These people are also not your new man.
- 35% people Tweeting Chris Brown jokes, on the assumption that their Chris Brown jokes would be the freshest Chris Brown jokes that had ever been Chris Brown joked. These people are also not your new man, for the obvious reason that they would keep doing that “I drink your milkshake” thing, probably during sex.
- 29% people listing actual #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend, such as “asking for a watch when there is a clock on the oven,” or “if she says ‘sweetie can you get me some tampons from the shop?'” Or my personal favorite, “cause she asks to many insecure questions.” I know you want this guy to be your new man. “Of course I still love you, my darling! I’m so incredulous that you could doubt my eternal and ever-growing love for you that I must now punch you in the face!” And yet, he is not. None of these people are your new man. Because, um, they seem a little too chill about domestic violence? That is actually not okay, ladies. FEMINIST BLOG MESSAGE ACCOMPLISHED. And then, we have our final demographic:
- 16% people Tweeting that they could NOT SEE WHY EVERYONE WAS SO UPSET ABOUT THIS, GAH.
Ladies, of the 145% of people Tweeting #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend this weekend, it is from THIS elite 16% that we will select your new man. Because I know you, ladies. I know that you could not possibly prefer a man whose ignorance was overt and blatant. Oh, no! You want the sophisticated type. The type who engages in serious media analysis, along the lines of “SHUT UP” and “IT’S FUNNY.” The sort of man who is so offended by people being offended on Twitter that he posts on his Twitter how offended he is about it. This, ladies, is the sort of man you want for your new man.
And I found him for you! On Twitter! Join me now, on this exciting tour of manhood in bloom.
First, meet @Brandonrofl! He’s called Brandon Elliott, and he’s a student at WVU, a “unicorn,” and the type o’ dude who puts a Helen Keller joke in his Twitter bio. Brandon’s a down-to-earth guy who won’t put up with pretension. For example, dudes pretending on Twitter that they don’t actually beat their girlfriends, and think it’s wrong to beat girlfriends in general. Brandonrofl, your new man, won’t put up with that!
[PICTURED: Your new man, Brandon Elliot, is “lol @ guys that are like ‘#reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend NONE! I RESPECT LE LADIES’ idk how you even tweeted that with your shining armor on.”]
Brandon later shares with us his opinion that such men are “really just trying to get laid.” He will not put up with such trickery! He wants to get laid by being who he is, and who he is, ladies, is a guy who Tweets things like “if you get pissed off because of a trending topic on Twitter you really need to reconsider your life priorities” and “how does anyone get married these days? Is there an age that bitches and whores suddenly decide to be wife material? And if so, what age?” Ladies, that aging bitchwhore could be YOU!
But perhaps you tire of Brandon’s philosophical musings. Perhaps you want a man who can make you laugh! Or, in the absence of a man who can make you laugh, perhaps you want @RayLipowski. Ray Lipowski is a comedian, you see! Of an apparently semi-professional nature! Although he apparently has 60,000 fewer followers than random person Brandonrofl. And, as a comedian, he has some expert humor analysis to share. For example: Perhaps all of the “offended women” he has repeatedly told to “calm down” and “relax” are just JEALOUS of the #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend humor sensation, because they wish THEY were the ones perpetrating terrible domestic violence upon their partners! Is that it, ladies? Jealous? Hmmmmmmmm?
[PICTURED: Your new man, Ray Lipowski, thinks that “when the trend starts reasons to beat your boyfriend. You chicks will go nuts with it.“]
Ray Lipowski knows how the ladies think, you see. For he is a sensitive gentleman! He Tweets things such as “#arentyoutiredof people hating on someone bcuz of their skin color, religion or sexual preference,” and also, “#reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend because the 1st time you all went to have sex you discovered her penis is bigger than yours,” which is in no way (a) “hating on someone” because of bigotry or (b) something that actually happens to trans women and has actually killed them. Another reason Ray Lipowski knows how women think is that he is so good at talking to them! For example: “Bitches don’t like me and think I’m a d+ck. Nah you don’t like me bcuz I tell the truth. Women love me and never get offended by what I say.” Are you not-a-bitch? Then you cannot possibly be offended by Ray Lipowski! It’s science! I forgot to tell you Ray Lipowski is a respected behavioral scientist. His dissertation, “On the Properties of Myself as Rubber, Contrasted Against the Properties of Others, Which Are Glue” has been cited by many well-respected publications that I just made up.
But, ladies, if you are trying to obtain Ray Lipowski for your new man — AND YOU CLEARLY ARE — please try not to seem too uppity. For Ray Lipowski further notifies us that “some of these bitches on here are beside themselves. You are way too into yourself and you do what? You are? Who knows you? Exactly.” So please: Try to keep that in mind, and maintain an appropriate level of humility whilst Googling “WHO THE FUCK IS RAY LIPOWSKI” before your first date.
But what if you don’t want a deep, analytical type like Brandon, or a warm-hearted, funny guy like Ray? What if you are a sensualist? A philosopher of the body? A foodie? Well. Do I ever have the man for you! He is @CadeSep, or “Cade Sepulvado,” and his interests include baseball, Twitter hashtags, and cannibalism.
[PICTURED: Your new man, Cade Sepulvado, muses that “so women should be equal in every way… Then we should treat them as a delicacy? When you can vote…” When you can vote, SQUARE SQUARE SQUARE SQUARE, apparently.]
Ah, yes, the true impetus for domestic violence: Voting! Women: First you give them basic participation in democracy, then they get all surprised when you hit them. But, more importantly: Cade Sepulvado is appalled that women expect to be treated like “a delicacy!” Women are no foie gras, you see. Women are a basic staple food! Just like men! It’s tempting to write this off as a typo, or common vocabulary mistake. But no, Cade just Tweeted that “there’s nothing worse than bad sentence structure and grammar,” so clearly he means what he said. And what he said was “delicacy.”
But Cade Sepulvado is no mere glutton. Your new man is a successful type! A driven type! There is no-one standing in his way! He has Tweeted these fact about himself, and so we know them to be true. “Smarter than most, more determined than all. More conceited that many, people that get in my way…. None,” says @Cadesep. But wait! Enhance… ENHANCE…
[PICTURED: Cade Sepulvado NEEDS A JOB.]
It’s okay, though. You don’t need to take Cade out to fancy restaurants, or buy his groceries. Living is cheap, when you feast upon the flesh of the Most Dangerous Game!
Oh, all right. One more. Because, if there’s one thing I know about you ladies, reading the feminist blogs as you do, it is that you are POLITICAL. And you need a political man! One with political opinions! Preferably, political opinions about how you and your political opinions should shut the hell up! Ladies, may I present… @Ben_jam_in?
[PICTURED: Your new man, Heath Jones, knows how the Internet works! Also how ladies should just keep their mouths shut: “#reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend if she goes in just to bitch about it.. You’re helping it trend!”]
Devastating media analysis! Young Heath Jones, @Ben_jam_in, is very opposed to people being offended, or, as he calls it, “get[ting] butt hurt about stupid shit.” He is opposed to people objecting to his hilarious black-people jokes about how they all hold up convenience stores: “I mean we have a black president. So don’t you dare throw racism in my face you stupid bitch!! Fuck you!!!” He is opposed to people calling other things racist: “Why are people still saying that #blamethemuslims is racist. ITS A RELIGION NOT A FUCKING RACE.” He is opposed to people (lady people) being offended when he calls them bitches! “when I call you a bitch.. You bein a bitch.” He is opposed to pretty much anything anybody says ever that is not, “oh, Heath Jones, you are so very handsome, will you be my new man forever and ever?” So I guess it’s lucky that this is what you plan to say to him, then!
But wait. Suddenly, perusing the manly grandeur of Heath’s Tweets, I feel a stirring. And I realize the flaw in my plan! For here I am, presenting you with all these fine new men. And have I thought of myself here? I have not! I am practically giving Heath Jones away! How can I do this to myself? How can I pass up the opportunity to spend hours in Heath’s arms, possibly in a field of wildflowers? To listen to his Top 10 Favorite Bands, which include both System of a Down and Linkin Park? To let him call me a bitchy bitch who should stop her bitchy bitching, and recognize the rapier wit and keen analytical mind behind these assessments?
Ladies! I am sorry. But you will have to look somewhere else for your new man. Because @Ben_Jam_In, glorious @Ben_Jam_In… he is all mine.