Everyone loves cupcakes, right? Sweet, portable, frosted cupcakes. Good for childhood birthday parties and swish grown-up ones too, after that minute or two when they were apparently A Thing for hipsters and foodies and foodsters and people who never got over Sex & the City. Whether Red velvet or devil’s food, or just a plain iced cupcake, a cupcake is the perfect treat.
Pinky Pie certainly loves cupcakes. Sing it, Pinky!
[a song by the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic character Pinky Pie, sung while she bakes cupcakes:
“All you have to do is take a cup of flour,
Add it to the mix!
Now just take a little something sweet, not sour,
A bit of salt–just a pinch!
Baking these treats is such a cinch,
Add a teaspoon of vanilla.
Add a little more, and you count to four
And you never get your fill-a~
Cupcakes, so sweet and tasty~
Cupcakes–don’t be too hasty,
Cupcakes~ cupcakes, cupcakes, CUPCAKES!”]
It’s hard to imagine the universally beloved cupcake being used for evil. But that’s just what conservatives have been doing lately.
Pro life cupcakes.
October 9th is National Pro Life Cupcake Day (google it, I dare you). Here’s how it’s “celebrated”:
“once a year, on October 9th, we would bake as many birthday cupcakes as humanly possible and hand them out for free wherever we can. When people asked whose birthday it is, we tell them these cupcakes are for celebrating the birthdays of every person who never gets to have a birthday. People respond in all ways – from refusing the cupcake, to sharing about abortions they’ve had in the past and the regret they carry, to just wanting to know more.”
Mm tasty. I love the taste of genocidal guilt in the morning.
College Republicans at UC Berkeley recently held an “affirmative action” bake sale where they charged different amounts for race – the most for whites, the least for Native Americans, with women of all races getting a 25c discount.
A piece of cutting-edge satire that puts the likes of Voltaire and Johnathan Swift to shame. Whites pay more! Cos the system’s fixed against them! Hilarious and totally true, as all the employment and poverty statistics ever will back up.
Last year in Indianapolis, a bakery refused to make rainbow coloured cupcakes to celebrate National Coming Out. When asked why, the baker replied that “cupcakes are only for good heterosexual Christians. You don’t know where those people might put a cupcake” (note: quote entirely fictional).
Do not be fooled by the sweet and tasty cupcake. As I write this, somewhere in North Dakota a Republican-run warehouse is hoarding cupcakes, hardening them up for use as weapons to throw against the Occupy Wall Street demonstrators. It’s the next generation of riot control, used in conjunction with the infamous “kettling” technique. So much for afternoon tea.
And even if you’re the type to avoid political protests, you’re still in the firing lines. Just when you think you’re safe, one will be used against you–maybe at a bridal shower, or a friend’s birthday party. And then they’ll have got you in their icing-fingered grasp, and you’ll become smug and empathy-free, thumbing through your copy of Atlas Shrugged as you complain to anyone who’ll listen that “y’all don’t know what it’s like, being male middle-class and white.”
I would like to leave you with some alternative treats besides the evil cupcake, but all I could find was more evidence of baked perfidy. I think we’ve all seen the footage of Wall Street bankers
drinking champagne eating macaroons as they look down on the protesters in scorn. Cookies? Contain razor blades. Danish? Hitler loved danish, probably.
And cake? The cake is a lie.
h/t for pro-life cupcakes to Chloe Angyal, purveyor of the one, true biscuit: Tim Tams.