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Sexist Beatdown: Not Gonna Milk Passin’ That Ball The Fish Slime Also Sarah Palin Resignation For Ya There Edition

Friends: when is the right time to mourn the passing of something great? When, if that thing is specifically Sarah Palin’s political career, vital as it is to the Extremely Lazy Comedy Industry? Do we discuss it the day of its death? The day after? When whatever insane dirt caused this passing (LATE-TERM MOOSE ABORTIONS) eventually surfaces? Or just when about a week has passed and we are tired of dirt-waiting?

It turned out to be that last one, actually. For Sexist Beatdown is upon us again! In this edition, we repudiate blogging as usual as the highly unusual Amanda Hess of The Sexist and the slightly more uncomfortably unusual Me of Tiger Beatdown discuss the major events of the day. And how they relate to Megan Fox! Also: prepare yourselves, for one of us will make a shocking announcement.

ILLUSTRATION: Hey, remember when you thought this was real? This was SO NOT WEIRD ENOUGH to be real! Also: not disastrous enough for women.

SADY: amanda, i have something sad to tell you. i am resigning from this chat.

AMANDA: aw. okay

SADY: NO! STOP TRYING TO WOO ME BACK! This resignation of mine: it is final. Anyway, now that I have resigned from the chat, we can move on to new, more invigorating forms of activity, such as chatting. As long as it is not “chatting as usual,” I am all for it! I have vague theories as to how this will be good for Alaska.

AMANDA: i think the whole thing (minus her being a terrible governor) may have been good for alaska. who cares about the people who live near all that oil? not me, until now. suddenly, i’m very concerned with how corrupt their government seems.

SADY: right: the well-being of Alaska is now paramount in our minds, in a way it has not been since the heyday of “Northern Exposure.” for example: we now know that investigations into the ethics violations of those who run alaska is very bad for alaska. it slows down the business of (unethically?) governing alaska.

AMANDA: yes, and the business of engineering unusual politics. i know everyone criticizes sarah palin for denouncing politics as usual, but to her credit, she is an extremely unusual politician

SADY: right. for example, she appears to have developed an entirely new theory of politics that revolves principally around point guards and how important it is for them to pass balls to things. for VICTORY.
yet: as unusual as she has been (and this is at once an unusually mild yet extremely apt characterization!) my question is: basically, she has no other job now to be unusual at. so what is she going to do now?

AMANDA: personally, i would be very interested in sarah palin also resigning from Last-Minute Imagined Monologue By Maureen Dowd i cannot take any more tongue-in-cheek grizzly references sullying the pages of the New York Times.

SADY: Oh, God! I had not seen this previously! It is entitled “SARAH’S SECRET DIARY!” How many unicorns do you suppose are on the cover? And are they in the business of making leprechauns pay for their own rape kits?

AMANDA: i was wondering about those rape kits the other day. you know how sarah palin pretended to be obsessed with wasteful government spending that didn’t include additions to her wardrobe?

SADY: yes, indeed.

AMANDA: i thought that everyone in alaska actually received money from the government instead of paying the government. “i won’t have my anti-taxes going toward finding justice for alaskan rapists”

SADY: well, that is only as long as the government does not spend money on basic government-y things. like prosecuting crime. basically, the money goes directly to you and then you… um… hire a policeman to find your rapist? or something? look, what is important is that we PASS THE BALL that symbolizes rape kits to the HOOP THAT IS JUSTICE.

AMANDA: because that’s your economic choice. ooh, the sports references get a little icky when applied to the rape problem.

SADY: oh. goodness. yes, they do.

AMANDA: rape, see? it’s like, a sport. so what do you think she’s going to do?

SADY: i have no idea. at this point, i even feel bad making fun of her. because i think that fuels the Sarah Palin, Media Circus deal that is her. and i basically think she quit the job because she’d reached the point wherein she could take Sarah Palin, Media Circus on the road, independent of the job of governing that one big oily state next to Canada.

AMANDA: you know, when you announced your sudden and unexpected resignation from Sexist Beatdown, and said “NO! STOP TRYING TO WOO ME BACK!” it occured to me that that’s not really a response we’ve heard from palin’s resignation. we’ve heard supporters say ‘she’s doing the right thing!’ but not really, ‘oh no, alaska will miss you soooo much as governor.’ although maybe i’m reading the wrong sarah palin blogs.

SADY: ha, yeah. i have read some alaskans cursing her for messing up their state’s business, messing up their state’s reputation, and then just unexpectedly leaving and forcing everyone to deal with a lieutenant governor they know nothing about who may or may not be able to clean it up. yet i have heard no one say, “if only sarah palin were around to continue governing our state in her previously accustomed manner of total competence and reliability!”

AMANDA: yeah, so i think we, as THE MEDIA, should take a moment and say that sarah palin is probably completely right. this is the best move she could have made, for the people of alaska.

SADY: right. her resignation is a mystery and i keep expecting to read a headline that says she is secretly running an abortion clinic, or has a meth lab in her basement, or something. yet this resignation may actually turn out to be exactly what it appears to be: a politician realizing that she has a vote of no confidence from the people she governs. and then just sort of taking her toys and going home.

AMANDA: moving on, can i tell you how much i appreciate your take on the new diablo cody trailer? (yes, people: we review trailers now)

SADY: TRAILER REVIEWINGS ARE IMPORTANT. how else will we know what trailers to accidentally see on the internet or in theaters?

AMANDA: I had no idea that Megan Fox was in this movie, and I think it’s interesting that feminist bloggers are like “we’re totally torn on whether this is feminist or not!” because I think Fox has really situated herself as a feminist antihero, or perhaps, an antifeminist hero. because she is THE WORST, and yet, she’s doing this movie which i think will probably be at the very least interesting.

SADY: yes, i cannot tell where megan fox exists on the feminism/antifeminism spectrum. actually i think she is one of those girls who drives me insane because she doesn’t give a damn and does what she wants and i think it is all kind of feminist and commendable, but then it turns out that she actually hates girls.

AMANDA: she should do a “millionaires” video!

SADY: girls talk shit. megan fox doesn’t care. she’ll take off her underwear! actually, perhaps “Jennifer’s Body” is an extended Millionaires video, ala Thriller, and I have been duped.

AMANDA: i’m glad we’ve finally figured out the ideal next move for sarah palin, which is to star in a diablo cody horror film soundtracked by the millionaires.

SADY: um, actually, i think her wacky nonsensical statements accompanied by graphic turkey death already fit that description.

AMANDA: oh, thanks, my brain had trashed that one.

SADY: where is my video editing software? i am going to add SO MUCH VOCODER TO THAT VIDEO. thank you, sarah palin, for my new career.

BONUS VIDEO: Now, if only we could find some way to add blow-job miming dude strippers and GarageBand.

5 Comments

  1. Mireille wrote:

    I bet her diary has lots of unicorns on the cover and she keeps it in a Lisa Frank TrapperKeeper. And all the dots over the I's are hearts… or basketballs.

    Friday, July 10, 2009 at 9:31 pm | Permalink
  2. snobographer wrote:

    Will the ethics investigations continue? Because I'm curious to learn what sort of Nixonian shenanigans she's been up to that would inspire her to high-tail it out of there so suddenly.

    Saturday, July 11, 2009 at 2:12 pm | Permalink
  3. Snakeforsale wrote:

    What the hell happened to your tumblr?

    Monday, July 13, 2009 at 7:15 pm | Permalink
  4. Sady wrote:

    @Snake: Hah, I did write a little post about that (on the Tumblr!) but basically I am really really busy with a variety of things right now and Tumblr is kind of a time-suck. So I figured I would just post more here, and keep in touch with other folks via RSS.

    Tuesday, July 14, 2009 at 6:24 am | Permalink
  5. Rachael wrote:

    As an Alaskan, I can tell you many of us are glad she's resigning. We're not all a bunch of tax-hating, victim-blaming, secession-seeking hicks up here. ;)

    It's weird, you know, seeing blogs, international news soures, magazines suddenly talking about Alaska like it, you know, exists.

    I'm not too fond of Ted Stevens, either.

    Wednesday, July 15, 2009 at 3:01 pm | Permalink