Sandra. SANDRA BULLOCK. I am talking to you, young lady!
We need to have some words.
This is a poster for a movie in which you play a deranged, man-hungry crazypants who stalks a man that she believes to be her “true love.” After ONE DATE. I have seen the trailer for this movie! As you can probably tell from the “WHOA OH NO CRAZY LADY” looks on the faces of your co-stars, your character, um… does not come off well.
Seriously, Sandra Bullock. I like you! Insofar as anyone can “like” a movie star they have never met, that is. I watched “Speed” about fifty times in middle school. I had a roommate who was a big fan of “Miss Congeniality.” You are a person who frequently shows up in goofy or bad movies (I remember the one where you pretended to be engaged to a coma dude! I am not sure why you did that!) but you never seemed to be phoning it in; you always showed up and did your job and got a few laughs, and I respect that. And I, as an awkward down-homey Midwestern girl who falls down a lot, was always sympathetic to your overall demeanor. Plus, much like the protagonist of your prescient 1995 thriller “The Net,” I fear communications technologies! (Here is how I remember that movie: TYPE TYPE TYPE “hacking” TYPE TYPE “hackers” TYPE “the computers are attacking!” TYPE TYPE TYPE. I might be wrong, though?)
And then you apparently took some time off to study at the Ladybad School of Offensive Gender Stereotype Performance!
Okay. So, seriously. One notably cartoonish and gross stereotype per year, I could handle. Like, when I watch the trailer for “The Proposal,” all I can imagine is the director coaching you between takes to “be more stiff and forbidding,” but, whatever. I’ve taken bad jobs in the past, too. It happens. But then! Right afterward! You are in the “desperate idiot stalks her way to love” movie! Did you really need to portray both ends of the spectrum – desperate man-hungry loser (who finds love) and cold career-focused ballbuster (who stops being a ballbuster because she finds love) – in the space of a few months? I am not sure that you needed to do that, actually! I think it is likely that we disagree!
All I am saying, Sandra Bullock, is that in “Speed,” you played someone who vaguely resembled an actual lady. An actual lady with magical bus-driving prowess! Granted! But you seemed more or less like a human person would, if human people could just become incredibly proficient stunt-drivers whenever they pleased. So, with these new characters, who basically resemble nothing so much as stereotype-reinforcing robots from the Planet Zod, I am not quite sure what to think.
I mean: what happened? Was it “The Lake House?” You can tell me! Because I really think you can do better than this, actually. I tell you what: pick a movie. Any movie! Play an actual, person-like person therein. In exchange for this favor, I promise never again to mention “Speed 2.”