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The Triumphant Return of Tiger Beatdown, featuring: Your New Hero, Chris Surette

You know: one of the issues you run into, when you have blogged for a reasonably long enough time about lady stuff, is that sooner or later all the stories start to look the same. Oh, look! A movie has come out, and it looks kind of sexist! Oh, hey! Someone was way too flippant about rape! Oh, check it out! A lady said it was empowering to be scantily clad in a photo, and now some of us are going to be a little over-the-top in our denial that it is empowering (which it’s not), and then someone else will take offense to that because of the over-the-topness that sort of inadvertently spilled over into hating scantily clad ladies in general (which is bad), and sooner or later we will all be going at each other like a bunch of soccer hooligans! But: haven’t you written about all of these things before, young lady blogger? Haven’t you written about them many a time? Oh, and in a related note, some young man writing for a student newspaper and/or minor blog was a jerk about heterosexual intercourse! Ugh, you’ve done that one too. So often. Ennui!

…Wait. Roll that last one back. Could it… could it BE? I mean, sure, it looks like your standard “young man writing for college newspaper is jerk about intercourse” thing. Which is, in and of itself, not that interesting. (Frat boys are terrible! Film at 11!) But the piece itself is just – well, it’s beautiful, is what it is. The sheer volume of cliches! The clarity of its misogyny! The simultaneous lack of originality and power to create intense, heretofore unknown revulsion in the reader! Indeed, everything everyone has ever objected to about douchey college sex columns by young men is here – right here – in this very piece! Could it be that this young man, this Chris Surette of the Fairfield Mirror (the Whatfield Mirwhat?) has, somehow, managed to embody the Platonic ideal of young men being jerks about intercourse in college papers?

Oh, my God, WHAT? The school is charging the Fairfield Mirror and/or Chris Surette with HARASSMENT based on this column? This column was apparently so terrible that it might end the ENTIRE PAPER? Yes! Yes! A thousand times Yes! Yes, I will blog about you, Chris Surette of the Fairfield Mirror. I will render unto the readers of this blog your text in full! BEHOLD, all of you, its glory!

ARCHETYPAL FEATURE OF DOUCHEY YOUNG MAN INTERCOURSE WRITING #1: “OH, MAN, WHAT ANECDOTES I HAVE! IT IS LIKE I SHOULD BE WRITING A COLUMN OR SOMETHING!”

So after flirting with a young swan at a party, you invite her back to your place and she accepts. The road to pleasure town begins and as Johnny Drama would say, VICTORY!  Congrats boys, not only did you get laid, but you have a great story for the rest of your life.

The story goes, “this one time, I got drunk and had sex! At a PARTY! Woo, ha ha, none of you have ever done that, right? It was just like Entourage! HIGHFIVES!” And then your friends will look sad for you, and walk away.

ARCHETYPAL FEATURE #2: GETTING LAID IS BAD FOR LADIES.

Not only is it a story for you and your boys, but others will soon realize what happened when they see your victim walking back to the dorms in her dress from last night, with a disgraceful look on her face as if she was robbed of her dignity.

For, you see, your “victim” (it’s part of the plan to make this sound as much like a date rape as possible, right? Because if so, you totally nailed it! HIGHFIVES, again) is in fact a delicate maiden imported by means of time travel from the 19th Century, when to behave in a manner unchaste and wanton, under the influence of the Demon Liquor, was the wreck of a lady of good renown. You probably should have included this in your story! Because, were she from this current time frame, your “victim” would have just put on her clothes, maybe called a friend to see if she was up for brunch or something, and gone out to get some eggs and maybe a Bloody Mary. You know, like a normal fucking person.

ARCHETYPAL FEATURE #3: THE PITCH.

But girls, even though many may consider you a slut after witnessing your glorious Walk of Shame, just realize that you have given this lucky guy a story he can share with others at the Grape for the rest of the year. We ought to thank you for that. And hopefully you got something out of this to … actually, we don’t really care.

Ladies, I really enjoy having sex. You should have sex with me! Because I enjoy it! But it’s very important to realize that having sex with me will have TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES. Like, people will call you names afterward. I certainly will! As will “many,” for I assume “many” to have the same severe Primal-Scene-related trauma and corresponding anger at Mommy for choosing Daddy over me (WHYYYYY) that I really, really, regrettably possess. Also, I seriously will never get over the fact that some lady touched me with her vagina parts, and I will keep talking and talking and talking about it, probably using your name, instead of just being like, “yes, I am a sexually active adult,” like people for whom sex is a more or less regular occurrence.

Also, have I mentioned that I am not good in bed? I am not good in bed. You will not have an orgasm. I will not try to give you an orgasm. There is no reason for you to have sex with me ladies. I need to stress this. NONE. And ladies? My face is that of a serial killer. It looks like this:

He-Said-Online-300x275

Like I said. No reason. But let’s do it anyway! HIGHFIVES!

AF #4: CHICKS AREN’T HOT ENOUGH FOR ME.

But in order to achieve success, we need to understand a few tips of advice to become a champ. First and foremost, right when you wake up, get out of there. There is nothing worse than the awkward wake up next to a girl, who is not as hot as you thought she was when you were 12 deep the night before.

An interjection, here:

He-Said-Online-300x275

I’m sorry. I think we need to keep stressing this point.

AF#5: CHICKS WANT ME, IN SPITE OF HOW NOT HOT THEY ARE

Not only that, it is kind of embarrassing when you smile at her and call her Julie, when her name is actually Ashley. Plus you don’t want to find out she’s a stage five clinger because that pounding you gave her last night will turn into a pounding headache for you for the next couple of weeks.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But we all wanted you to be our boyfriend SO BADLY! “We” being, of course, the entire female gender! We could listen to your delightful anecdotes, laugh at your various witticisms, dissect the matters of the day with the help of your keen insight and erudition, entrust you with our hopes and dreams, gaze into your… oh. Yeah. Never mind!

AF #6: THE PART WHERE THE WRITER ABRUPTLY REALIZES HE NEEDS TO HAVE A MORAL, OR: “LET’S BE REAL.”

(BONUS POINTS FOR ACTUAL USE OF THE PHRASE “LET’S BE REAL.”)

Second, even though you might feel like the man for doing it, make sure you don’t raw dog it.

Let’s be real,

SCORE!

we are too young to have a little mini-me running around. I would rather enjoy my college years drinking my face off and having to clean my own vomit, than cleaning the vomit of 16 month infant. Also, if you can’t remember her name, there is a very good chance you don’t know much about the broad. Trust me, you don’t want that hood rat giving you a venereal disease. Not because half are not curable, but the next time you try to bang and that little cutie sees that rash around your genitals, she’s going to be running for the fences. Listen guys, gonorrhea is a serious disease. So don’t be a fool and wrap your tool.

But seriously, guys, let’s be real. I know we’ve had a good time, joshing around, but that’s only part of the reason I’m here today. I’m also here to rap at ya about… SAFE SEX. You can catch some pretty nasty diseases “raw doggin’ it,” as the kids like to say. I know about this! Because we had a seminar in health class! But also because I’m From the Streets.  Where there are “hood rats.” And on the Streets, which is where I’m From, I know it’s important to be “cool,” like “The Fonz.” But you know what the COOLEST thing is? SAFETY.

AF #7: THE INSPIRING CONCLUSION

Now if you follow these tips, the next time you do work, you’ll have a tale to tell your buds for years. Remember to be ruthless and have no shame.

We are relying on each other for an entertaining story that is both hilarious and humiliating. Just remember one thing; her walk of shame is an induction into your hall of fame.

Ha ha, yeah! Like this one time, where you got drunk and had SEX! With someone you met at a PARTY! And you hated them so much! But you NEEDED them, TOO! And it… it just tore you to pieces, and… oh, Mommy, WHY. WHYYYY. Wasn’t I a good boy? Don’t you love me? DON’T LEAVE ME, MOMMY. WHY CAN’T I WIN THIS ONE. JUST THIS ONCE.

And after that? Only the sound of quiet sobbing.

32 Comments

  1. Sparklepants wrote:

    Fairfield University is Catholic, which just demonstrates further the guy’s brilliance in writing something along these lines.

    Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 6:02 pm | Permalink
  2. octopod wrote:

    That guy has a major case of doucheface. Fitting.

    Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 6:58 pm | Permalink
  3. Starfoxy wrote:

    My favorite comment on from the Mirror’s site was simply “There’s a lot wrong with you.”

    Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 8:23 pm | Permalink
  4. laureney wrote:

    Sady, you just made my day. As usual.

    @Octopod: Yes, that is some EPIC doucheface.

    Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 9:06 pm | Permalink
  5. Vertigo29 wrote:

    TigerBeatdown… you can never leave! :)

    His last line, “her walk of shame is an induction into your hall of fame” made me almost vomit! Its good his face is out there (too bad for the Red Sox hat!) so we can pinpoint the doucheface when we see him walking among us.

    Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 9:09 pm | Permalink
  6. kristyn wrote:

    ”Its good his face is out there (too bad for the Red Sox hat!) so we can pinpoint the doucheface when we see him walking among us.”

    Except that he looks just like many, many other (but by all means not all!) college-age douchefaces these days. I blame Seth Rogen for many things, but especially for popularizing and enabling a whole new breed of lousy knockoff douchebags.

    In fact, he looks a lot like the dude who raped me at a party back in college. They even share a first name! And the same kind of misogyny!

    Remember, dudes, the emails she (by which I mean, I) sends to you (by which I mean this guy) asking why he thought it was okay to fuck a girl who was almost passed out and saying ”no”, much less do it without a condom, are ”clinginess” indicating her insane overeagerness to get into a longterm relationship with douchefacey mclousyass!
    I mean, clearly, bros, amirite? We know chicks, and they all crazy.

    Thankfully there is feminism, or so many of us would feel so much more alone.

    Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 11:36 pm | Permalink
  7. Adrianna wrote:

    The fun part about being a feminist blogger is that the douchebags never really run out, do they? They’re like solar energy…except that I can think of a use for solar energy. A couple of uses, actually.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 12:40 am | Permalink
  8. RLC wrote:

    Damnit! I tried to post a reply on the site and it didn’t get through the spam filter. Which was possibly due to all the Gratuitous Use of Capital Letters.

    But fab article, as usual. Well said. Bravo!

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 2:48 am | Permalink
  9. JenniferRuth wrote:

    This soooooo made my Friday morning!

    Thank you for a hilarious takedown of some pretty vile misogyny.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 3:00 am | Permalink
  10. Farore wrote:

    @Adriana: well, we could always burn douchebags instead of fossil fuels. I think they’d probably be kind of stank, though, above and beyond the normal stank of burning flesh and hair. What with the Way Too Much brand cologne and all.

    Sady, have I told you I loved you lately? I love you. I am tempted to e-mail this column to Mr Surette, because I sincerely believe that he does not realize how much he sounds like a complete and utter plebe with his whole ‘OMIGAW! I TOTES HAD SEX YOU GUIZ! WITH A LADY! AND I DISRESPECTED THAT SHIT, AWW YEAH! HIGHFIVES!!!!’ thing.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 7:18 am | Permalink
  11. Gnatalby wrote:

    I would rather enjoy my college years drinking my face off and having to clean my own vomit, than cleaning the vomit of 16 month infant.

    Now I know I’m a lady, and I basically “raw dog” it all the time in order to trap men into a relationship with me, so I should probably know this, but is a 16 month old really an infant? Isn’t it pretty well a baby by then? Even a toddler?

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 7:19 am | Permalink
  12. Gator wrote:

    I am appalled that he compares himself favorably to a 16-month-old, and feel I must defend the honor of babies everywhere. Most babies and toddlers I know are pretty good company. Plus I am one hundred percent certain that my 16-month-old vomits less than this dude.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 8:16 am | Permalink
  13. LSG wrote:

    He is also very unclear about where “you” are and who “you” are. “You” are usually a dude! But sometimes, a lady! There’s very little clarification of pronouns. Also, dude-you and lady-you have apparently gone back to dude-you’s room, causing lady-you to do a walk of shame. But then, he seems to be telling dude-you to “get out of there” right away and spare yourdudeself awkward wrong-name-calling…so perhaps his advice is for dude-you to leave his room and wander the campus until lady-you wakes up and goes home? I am perplexed.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 9:10 am | Permalink
  14. Isabel wrote:

    I want to have awkward drunk sex with this post and tell my girlfriends about it at brunch the next day.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 9:44 am | Permalink
  15. snobographer wrote:

    Isabel, it’s not high-fiver material unless you’re telling your grandchildren.
    I’m picturing an old man in a rocking chair on a porch telling little Timmy and little Suzie all about that time he banged that hotty at Chad’s kegger.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 10:23 am | Permalink
  16. ChelseaWantsOut wrote:

    Ha, LSG, I’m picturing a bunch of college guys standing around on the quad waiting for women to vacate their dorm rooms. They could call it the Loiter of Shame.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 10:52 am | Permalink
  17. Siobhan wrote:

    Ok, for the first time EVER, I will not warn people to avoid the comments at the original site! My absolute favorite is how very many people are ecstatic at the improvement in THEIR job prospects because this guy’s name is now googl-able. And I love how many GUYS are calling this loser out.

    My very favorite comment: “I can’t see how, given the publication of this column, any woman will ever come within 15 feet of this guy. Everyone deserves happiness, and I’m sure Chris will come to regret writing this, as the blogosphere pulls off the cockblock to end all cockblocks. Congrats on being picked up by Deadspin Chris, looks like you’re a famous colu- no wait, just a sexist pig.”

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 10:58 am | Permalink
  18. ChelseaWantsOut wrote:

    Although I suppose they’d be more likely to call it the Loiter of Triumph.

    It would be really funny to see all the women walking the Walk of Shame out to their friends’ cars with their heads held high to engage in postprandial omelet eating while the men Loitering in Triumph shuffled their feet and avoided eye contact and waited to go back in and change their semen-stained sheets.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 11:01 am | Permalink
  19. Gnatalby wrote:

    @Chelseawantsout:

    Now I know this is just crazy lady talk. Whoever heard of a boy changing the sheets?!?

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 11:07 am | Permalink
  20. svente wrote:

    12 deep!!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!! I can’t stop laughing at that!

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 11:15 am | Permalink
  21. ChelseaWantsOut wrote:

    I thought about putting “go back to sleep in their semen-stained sheets,” but I thought it was too uncharitable.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 11:34 am | Permalink
  22. Dee wrote:

    Here is his apology article. It makes him seem even more of an douchey McDudebro (hard to believe I know, but read it!)

    http://fairfieldmirror.com/2009/10/06/a-note-from-he-said/

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 4:15 pm | Permalink
  23. RLC wrote:

    @Dee

    That “apology” sounded very sincere and also proved that Chris Surette is not sexist. Look! It has this in it:

    ” For those of you who do not know, last semester I was the only guy in a feminism literature class called “The Women Question.” ”

    See? HE CAN’T BE SEXIST.

    Now I’m off to make jokes about Asian people, which will not be racist because I took Asian Studies last semester.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 7:53 pm | Permalink
  24. Dee wrote:

    @RLC

    You’re right. How could I be so blind?

    B- Rape jokes!
    I- Women who have sex are sluts/whores
    N- Women are clingy/emotional/crazy
    G- You can’t take a joke!
    O- I’m not sexist because I took a women’s studies class one time

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 8:06 pm | Permalink
  25. Brennan wrote:

    @ Dee and RLC
    My personal favorite line in the “apology” was this gem:
    “I do respect the ideas of feminism and women’s rights, even though it may not be perceived in my writing.”
    Somebody, teach the douche that “respect” is an active verb; if you “respect the ideas” and *nobody can tell* it’s NOT respect.
    Thank you, Sady, for bringing another hopeless douche to our attention.

    Friday, November 13, 2009 at 9:48 pm | Permalink
  26. Ali wrote:

    This completely just made my morning. Best article on doucheface Chris Surette (can we start prefixing his name with doucheface, so that whenever anyone googles ‘Chris Surette’ all the results read ‘doucheface Chris Surette etc. etc.’? Then people wouldn’t even need to read any of the results! They would get the picture in mere seconds! The internet is a beautiful thing, people) out of all the ones I’ve seen.

    Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 5:27 am | Permalink
  27. worsement wrote:

    That Chris Surette has apparently taken a feminist literature course, as pointed out by Dee and RLC, is maybe one of the worst parts of this whole thing. It seriously makes me want to cry. As someone who is (at least in theory) hoping to teach literature from a feminist perspective, I have to believe that a classroom experience can make a difference in people’s lives, and that they can come out of it with new ways of looking at their opinions and attachments and priorities. And that they won’t, they REALLY WON’T, just put the whole thing behind them and go on to write articles like this, for which they then have to apologize by reminding us all that they once took a feminist literature course. Right? Fuck. This is awful.

    Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 7:31 am | Permalink
  28. Shil wrote:

    @Worsement

    Unfortunately, I think you’re going to encounter a fair amount of what you just described when you teach. I’ve been teaching undergraduate courses, generally freshman composition and literature, for ten years now. Gender is a subject which is often touched on in my class and I have always striven, from well before I actively identified as feminist, to get students to think critically about it (as about everything else, I hope) and reject the sexist beliefs which our society foists on them. And I agree with you totally when you say “I have to believe that a classroom experience can make a difference in people’s lives, and that they can come out of it with new ways of looking at their opinions and attachments and priorities.” The key point is that it can. It won’t necessarily do so, depending on the individual student. And if you give yourself grief thinking that you’ve failed every time someone walks out of your classroom and remains mostly the doucheface that they walked in, then you’ll probably end up making yourself very unhappy – and blaming yourself unnecessarily. You can show someone what feminist thinking is about, but you can’t make them embrace it.

    Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm | Permalink
  29. snobographer wrote:

    Well haven’t we all run into douchebags on the Internet and elsewhere who claim to have taken Women’s Studies or some such thing? I think, if they do take these classes, they just memorize facts and stats well enough to get a C (or not – come to think of it, maybe Surette flunked his Fem Lit class) without ever absorbing anything or giving a shit about the subject matter. That way if anyone ever accuses them of being sexist they can just break out their academic credentials (one lower division undergrad class! woot!) and the fact that they have mothers (like any member of any sexually reproduced species). Voila! Can’t be sexist!

    Monday, November 16, 2009 at 9:38 am | Permalink
  30. L wrote:

    @Snobographer

    Having a mother (or a wife. Or having ever spoken to a woman) gets anyone out of being sexist. I just read a “redeeming” article on possibly Australia’s most sexist man, Sam Newman (if you haven’t heard of him, count yourself lucky) which tried to assuage some of his “perceived” (read: REAL) sexism with insights such as:

    “Women have played a pivotal role in Newman’s life, which includes three marriages.”

    Oh. Um. Wow!

    (It also cites the fact that he has 3 children. They are all boys. I don’t even know how they fit into the already illogical argument. Maybe because they came from the wombs of women? I do not know.)

    Monday, November 16, 2009 at 5:19 pm | Permalink
  31. snobographer wrote:

    @L – Oh yeah. He can’t be sexist because he has a wife or a girlfriend. I know that one. Battered women’s shelters are filled with the wives and SOs of sexist men.

    Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 3:04 pm | Permalink
  32. Maggie wrote:

    Ok, that’s it, you’re the greatest person alive.

    Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 12:05 pm | Permalink

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  2. [...] that she appreciates the work of Chris Surette, the infamous Fairfield Mirror sex columnist who conceives of casual sex in these terms: “Not only is it a story for you and your boys, but others will soon realize what happened [...]