You know what? Sometimes it is just best to start your week with something ADORABLE. And disturbing! And complicated! And possibly wrong to even write about! But also, for real so adorable oh my God.
Okay, so: LADIES. Do you remember being eleven? Do you remember, at the age of eleven or twelve, memorizing all the moves to the En Vogue “Never Gonna Get It” video? Yes, you do. Stop lying, ladies! There is no shame here! My favorite album, when I was eleven or twelve, was the Janet Jackson one where she is topless on the cover. Which was FILTHY. I sort of figured this out when I wrote out the lyrics to one of the songs and passed them, in a note, to a boy. Who knew what they meant and consequently read them aloud to all his friends, on the school bus if I recall, to great hilarity. And that is the story of Why Sady Eventually Just Got Home-Schooled. But whatevs! The point is: the kids, they like the funky beats. And the inappropriate lyrics, from time to time.
Which is why these little girls really like Ke$ha.
Oh! My god! Are these even tweens? I think not! I think they might be, like, pre-tweens or something! Fifth grade these days is CRAZY!
The video was sent in by faithful Friend of Tiger Beatdown / Occasional Contributor B. Michael, who left special instructions to watch for the line about the “bottle of Jack.” And, yeah, that is adorable. But my favorite is where they get to the “dudes are lining up” line. Who are the dudes that are lining up, ladies? Is one of them a little stuffed pink elephant? I think he just might be! Oh my God! Awwwwwwwww!
However: this video inspires complicated and occasionally negative reactions. It is weird and gross to see CHILDREN, LITERAL TINY CHILDREN hoisting beers into a camera, and the “boys trying to grab my junk” line is NOT COMFORTABLE AT ALL UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Mostly, I hope that my proposed legislation against the YouTubing of children becomes reality, because SERIOUSLY. This is not something young kids and/or sharey parents should have access to; it is un-good. It is like broadening the range of shitty bullies that might make your life Hell from “people at your school” to “the entire world, including some seriously maladjusted adult people.” No. Stop. Danger! People are mean. Some of them are meaner than you would expect to find outside of, like, Scar in The Lion King. And let me tell you something about Scar in The Lion King: if they had wi-fi in his cave, and he had a corresponding means of venting his social-status insecurity and general hatred of joy, fun, and anyone who had joy and fun? Most of the plot of The Lion King WOULD NOT HAVE TAKEN PLACE. He would have been like, “can’t overthrow Mufasa right now, too busy mocking the suicide of a high school student on my various message boards. Also I think someone’s baby might be ugly.”
But I have hopes for these kids! For example, I hope that they are kind of being Spoken To over this, and being told, in a loving and supportive manner, the precise procedures for reporting and pressing charges should anyone try to touch their junk – that needs to not be happening! I don’t care what Ke$ha says about it happening, she is like forty-seven! Ke$ha is many years closer to death than you and can serve hard time for a criminal sentence, her lifestyle is entirely different and yours is probably a lot better in some major ways! – and also I hope that their moms are only slightly more permissive in this arena than MY mom, who I sound pretty much exactly like right now, and who also recently reported being mad at me because she had gone through my old photos and found some “overly suggestive” pictures taken of me in, I believe, freshman year of high school. Also, I hope they read feminist blogs, these girls. Because we like Ke$ha too sometimes! And we can talk about the parts of Ke$ha we’re not fond of without yelling at you, because who does not enjoy some funky beats, really?
But, also: my dance moves to “Never Gonna Get It” were really quite fine. Awe-inspiring! So it is not like I do not get this, I swear. I am not the one to judge!
*Please be warned that if anyone is mean to these little girls I will ban you! If I get the sense that they are being overexposed to mean people, also, I will take the post down! And not apologize! We have a general “at least you should be nice to, like, ANIMALS and CHILDREN” policy here. OK? Okay. I trust you, most of you, but also as a person who is letting a fairly large amount of people see this video, I have certain responsibilities. Which I will uphold!