As you know, we here at Tiger Beatdown are master practitioners of marketable blog writing. A blog post, we hear, should be short, and timely, and probably pegged to some manner of news item. This ensures that it can be part of the blog conversation on the Interwebs. Where immediate response is king! And that, of course, is why we write 3,000 to 5,000 word posts about long-running TV shows, and movies we rented from iTunes, and also, albums that came out when we were twelve.
However, sometimes it only takes us weeks to respond to something! For example, a music video, of the sort that the kids enjoy today. A music video like this one!
You guys, Beyonce is very concerned that you don’t love her. She wants to know why! Why on earth would you refuse a meaningful and intimate relationship with Beyonce? And, to be honest, I understand her confusion. After all, Beyonce has made Beyonce so damn easy to love. However, after some careful study, I have formed some preliminary conclusions as to why you, the viewer, do not love Beyonce. They are:
1. GRAININESS OF FILM STOCK. Some prefer a clearer, more modern look! You may be dissatisfied, therefore, with the resolution and color tone of your relationship with Beyonce.
2. A STRONG BELIEF THAT ROSIE THE RIVETER WOULD NOT WEAR HOT PANTS. It is true: Beyonce does in fact dress as the iconic proto-feminist industrial worker when she has a particularly tough mechanical project to attend to. And she is, in fact, wearing hot pants! However, I think Beyonce’s connection to the history of women in the workplace ought to be applauded. And, for those who take issue with the accuracy of her costume, remember: We only ever saw Rosie the Riveter from the waist up. We don’t know what kind of pants she was wearing. Rosie the Riveter may not have worn pants at all.
3. A LACK OF INTEREST IN BETTIE PAGE. It is a shame that you don’t share Beyonce’s enthusiasm for vintage erotica, and are unwilling to join her in her many re-enactments of such. However, there is the possibility that you and Beyonce are simply not sexually compatible on this front.
4. YOU DISLIKE BEAUTY, CLASS, STYLE, AND/OR ASS. Really? Most people are typically interested in at least one of those. But, whatever, dude and/or lady. It’s your call. I just wish you’d made this clearer toward the beginning of your relationship with Beyonce.
5. BEYONCE SET FIRE TO YOUR MEATLOAF. Yes, this is regrettable. That sucker went up in flames! But, to be fair, it was a very busy day for Beyonce. She fixed your car, made you cookies in the shape of a heart, indulged her passionate interest in gardening and/or throwing plastic snakes around the patio, sexily read a book to maintain her preferred level of intellectual engagement, cleaned the kitchen (which looked a mess: Are you helping Beyonce out at all?), and then she was a sexy leather daddy for a while. Perhaps tonight you should just order in!
6. YOU PREFER A DUSTIER GRAMMY. It is true: Beyonce is willing to call off anything, up to and including the song for which she is currently making a music video, in order to dust all her many Grammys. I can imagine it would be distracting! But you should try to be more in tune with Beyonce’s needs. Perhaps Beyonce has dust allergies, which require her to be especially vigilant about Grammy-cleaning. What is your other option? Being in a relationship with someone who does NOT have this many Grammys? Ha!
7. YOU ARE THREATENED BY BEYONCE’S FINANCIAL SUCCESS AND INTELLECT. It is true: Beyonce can take care of herself, and doesn’t need anyone to help her out financially. Furthermore, she keeps her head in the books: She’s smart. Beyonce seems convinced that you haven’t noticed these highly positive qualities of Beyonce. However, there is the chance that you have noticed, and simply feel insecure in the face of Beyonce’s many accomplishments! This may even have led to an odd dynamic, in which Beyonce must dress up like Betty Draper and take care of menial housework in order to assure you that your partnership fits heteronormative and patriarchal power dynamics. Which is just super fucked-up! You are pretty lucky, all things considered, to be dating Beyonce! And I’m pretty sure she does not regard you as her social inferior, because otherwise you would not be dating. But you seriously do need to get your insecurities out of Beyonce’s face, because it is not her fault that she is so awesome. Or, you know, I could be wrong, and Beyonce could just be doing this because she has a day off and she thinks all the outfits are super-cute. In which case, Beyonce is totally correct. OMG her HAIR!
8. DIFFICULTY IN KEEPING UP WITH ALL OF BEYONCE’S MANY ALIASES. “I thought I was dating Beyonce,” I can imagine you saying, “but who is she really? Am I dating Sasha Fierce, robot-handed poet of the Single Ladies? Honey B, she of the mysterious past and criminal alliance with Lady Gaga? Or the highly domestic yet semi-incompetent B. B. Homemaker? I don’t know any more!” To you, I say: Be patient. True, Beyonce is a complex woman, and requires an exceptionally understanding partner. But in your heart, she will always be Destiny’s Child. Or, the star of the major motion picture Obsessed.
9. THE FACT THAT, WHEN BEYONCE PERCEIVES A PROBLEM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BEYONCE MAKES HERSELF A MARTINI, CHAIN-SMOKES, CALLS YOU UP TO DELIVER A LENGTHY SPEECH ON THE MATTER, CRIES, AND SUBSEQUENTLY PASSES OUT ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HER MARTINI GLASS: This is not an appropriate reason for you not to love Beyonce. At my house, we call that “Tuesday night.”
10. BEYONCE WEARS SHOES IN THE BATHTUB! Okay, that’s just weird.