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WHY DON’T YOU LOVE BEYONCE? An Inquiry

As you know, we here at Tiger Beatdown are master practitioners of marketable blog writing. A blog post, we hear, should be short, and timely, and probably pegged to some manner of news item. This ensures that it can be part of the blog conversation on the Interwebs. Where immediate response is king! And that, of course, is why we write 3,000 to 5,000 word posts about long-running TV shows, and movies we rented from iTunes, and also, albums that came out when we were twelve.

However, sometimes it only takes us weeks to respond to something! For example, a music video, of the sort that the kids enjoy today. A music video like this one!

You guys, Beyonce is very concerned that you don’t love her. She wants to know why! Why on earth would you refuse a meaningful and intimate relationship with Beyonce? And, to be honest, I understand her confusion. After all, Beyonce has made Beyonce so damn easy to love. However, after some careful study, I have formed some preliminary conclusions as to why you, the viewer, do not love Beyonce. They are:

1. GRAININESS OF FILM STOCK. Some prefer a clearer, more modern look! You may be dissatisfied, therefore, with the resolution and color tone of your relationship with Beyonce.

2. A STRONG BELIEF THAT ROSIE THE RIVETER WOULD NOT WEAR HOT PANTS. It is true: Beyonce does in fact dress as the iconic proto-feminist industrial worker when she has a particularly tough mechanical project to attend to. And she is, in fact, wearing hot pants! However, I think Beyonce’s connection to the history of women in the workplace ought to be applauded. And, for those who take issue with the accuracy of her costume, remember: We only ever saw Rosie the Riveter from the waist up. We don’t know what kind of pants she was wearing. Rosie the Riveter may not have worn pants at all.


3. A LACK OF INTEREST IN BETTIE PAGE. It is a shame that you don’t share Beyonce’s enthusiasm for vintage erotica, and are unwilling to join her in her many re-enactments of such. However, there is the possibility that you and Beyonce are simply not sexually compatible on this front.

4. YOU DISLIKE BEAUTY, CLASS, STYLE, AND/OR ASS. Really? Most people are typically interested in at least one of those. But, whatever, dude and/or lady. It’s your call. I just wish you’d made this clearer toward the beginning of your relationship with Beyonce.

5. BEYONCE SET FIRE TO YOUR MEATLOAF. Yes, this is regrettable. That sucker went up in flames! But, to be fair, it was a very busy day for Beyonce. She fixed your car, made you cookies in the shape of a heart, indulged her passionate interest in gardening and/or throwing plastic snakes around the patio, sexily read a book to maintain her preferred level of intellectual engagement, cleaned the kitchen (which looked a mess: Are you helping Beyonce out at all?), and then she was a sexy leather daddy for a while. Perhaps tonight you should just order in!

6. YOU PREFER A DUSTIER GRAMMY. It is true: Beyonce is willing to call off anything, up to and including the song for which she is currently making a music video, in order to dust all her many Grammys. I can imagine it would be distracting! But you should try to be more in tune with Beyonce’s needs. Perhaps Beyonce has dust allergies, which require her to be especially vigilant about Grammy-cleaning. What is your other option? Being in a relationship with someone who does NOT have this many Grammys? Ha!

7. YOU ARE THREATENED BY BEYONCE’S FINANCIAL SUCCESS AND INTELLECT. It is true: Beyonce can take care of herself, and doesn’t need anyone to help her out financially. Furthermore, she keeps her head in the books: She’s smart. Beyonce seems convinced that you haven’t noticed these highly positive qualities of Beyonce. However, there is the chance that you have noticed, and simply feel insecure in the face of Beyonce’s many accomplishments! This may even have led to an odd dynamic, in which Beyonce must dress up like Betty Draper and take care of menial housework in order to assure you that your partnership fits heteronormative and patriarchal power dynamics. Which is just super fucked-up! You are pretty lucky, all things considered, to be dating Beyonce! And I’m pretty sure she does not regard you as her social inferior, because otherwise you would not be dating. But you seriously do need to get your insecurities out of Beyonce’s face, because it is not her fault that she is so awesome. Or,  you know, I could be wrong, and Beyonce could just be doing this because she has a day off and she thinks all the outfits are super-cute. In which case, Beyonce is totally correct. OMG her HAIR!

8. DIFFICULTY IN KEEPING UP WITH ALL OF BEYONCE’S MANY ALIASES. “I thought I was dating Beyonce,” I can imagine you saying, “but who is she really? Am I dating Sasha Fierce, robot-handed poet of the Single Ladies? Honey B, she of the mysterious past and criminal alliance with Lady Gaga? Or the highly domestic yet semi-incompetent B. B. Homemaker? I don’t know any more!” To you, I say: Be patient. True, Beyonce is a complex woman, and requires an exceptionally understanding partner. But in your heart, she will always be Destiny’s Child. Or, the star of the major motion picture Obsessed.

9. THE FACT THAT, WHEN BEYONCE PERCEIVES A PROBLEM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BEYONCE MAKES HERSELF A MARTINI, CHAIN-SMOKES, CALLS YOU UP TO DELIVER A LENGTHY SPEECH ON THE MATTER, CRIES, AND SUBSEQUENTLY PASSES OUT ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HER MARTINI GLASS: This is not an appropriate reason for you not to love Beyonce. At my house, we call that “Tuesday night.”

10. BEYONCE WEARS SHOES IN THE BATHTUB! Okay, that’s just weird.

23 Comments

  1. jules wrote:

    Oh, wow. I almost laughed tea out of my nose.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 3:14 pm | Permalink
  2. Teaspoon wrote:

    No, I don’t have anything substantial to say. I’m too busy laughing my ass off.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 3:18 pm | Permalink
  3. Stephanie wrote:

    It is official. As of today (meaning right now) I am dressing as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween.

    And I will not be wearing any pants.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 3:53 pm | Permalink
  4. Eneya wrote:

    You have nailed all the things that I was thinking while I was watching that particular clip. :)
    Hooray for you.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 4:05 pm | Permalink
  5. ozymandias wrote:

    I haven’t even seen the video and I’m laughing my ass off.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 4:51 pm | Permalink
  6. Tasha Fierce wrote:

    I’m going to have to watch this video at home as my boss sits right behind me! However, I literally LOLed while reading this which aroused suspicion. Damn you!

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 5:36 pm | Permalink
  7. Nancy wrote:

    Ditto Ozymandias. I think watching the actual video would be a letdown now.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 5:50 pm | Permalink
  8. Marley wrote:

    I almost inhaled my bubble gum. But I survived to laugh some more!

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 5:54 pm | Permalink
  9. I am sexily reading this post to maintain my preferred level of intellectual engagement with the feminist blogosphere.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 7:58 pm | Permalink
  10. I don’t love Beyonce because I love my wife and also have a platonic crush on Sady Doyle. I have no time left over for Beyonce. Perhaps she should add writing awesome blog posts to her repertoire in attempt to edge you out.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 8:09 pm | Permalink
  11. Kate wrote:

    My only negative reaction to this video was ‘hotpants AND stockings? Pick one, lady!’ Then again, sure, why not. I don’t think I’d wear stockings to fick a car, but then it’s closer to something I’d wear than what you see in most film clips.

    Sociological images just did a post on this. But it wasn’t half as funny.

    I especially enjoy point 6 and 9.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 8:45 pm | Permalink
  12. Xenu01 wrote:

    I love Beyonce! And I love this video.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 10:04 pm | Permalink
  13. Aine wrote:

    haven’t watched the video, am only vaguely aware of what Beyonce is up to these days, but SO MUCH LOVE.

    Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 10:53 pm | Permalink
  14. Ann wrote:

    I LOVE YOU & THE WAY YOU BRAIN.

    This was so so so funny and after a bad day, sorely needed.

    Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 1:10 am | Permalink
  15. Christen wrote:

    I…I do love this video. I do. BECAUSE I LOVE SMEARED MASCARA. IS THAT SO WRONG.

    Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 3:36 am | Permalink
  16. Sady wrote:

    @Christen: HOW CAN IT BE WRONG WHEN IT FEELS SO RIGHT.

    Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 7:58 am | Permalink
  17. I have to admit that I hadn’t been thinking of Beyonce as much as I now realize that I should have. I’m sorry. But, on the plus side, I am completely in love with this article.

    Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 10:33 am | Permalink
  18. CassieC wrote:

    I love this blog post.

    And also I love that song and that video. It’s a comprehensive critique of the idea that it’s the woman’s fault if her boyfriend isn’t interested. If Beyonce, who is putting SO MUCH DAMN WORK AND LINGERIE AND MARTINIS into this relationship, isn’t up to snuff – why, well yes, it can’t really be her fault. Or any of our faults. Bad boyfriends suck and no quantity of burnt meatloafs and fishnets will ever compensate, so we might as well start the feminist revolution YESTERDAY.

    Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 10:46 am | Permalink
  19. Travis wrote:

    Pure awesomeness. That was seriously funny.

    Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 1:19 pm | Permalink
  20. Isabel wrote:

    I want to make a meatloaf for this post.

    I love Beyonce’s sad/break-up songs because usually there is this underlying air of bewilderment – most explicit here but present in a lot of them (ring the alarm, irreplaceable of course, even single ladies to an extent) – because Beyonce is extremely confused about how anyone could possibly not love Beyonce. It Does Not Compute. Which it doesn’t, because: she is motherfucking BEYONCE. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you if you don’t love her? Come now.

    Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 5:10 pm | Permalink
  21. Sady wrote:

    @Isabel: This is why I love this song, and also loved “Single Ladies,” despite the many and valid feminist objections. Beyonce sums up my own inevitable post-break-up feelings, which are: Whoops, I’m awesome, and you don’t get to date me any more. Sucks to be you, dude!

    Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 5:35 pm | Permalink
  22. EM wrote:

    I’ve read this about five times today, and it just keeps getting better.

    Thursday, May 13, 2010 at 12:38 am | Permalink
  23. Ama wrote:

    Oh, oh, I love Beyonce as Betty Page! I like her style, class and ass.

    I’m sure there were lesbos in the fifties, I can even put up with the drunk dialling and bathtub shoes.

    Friday, May 21, 2010 at 6:27 am | Permalink

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