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Fucking While Feminist: A Conversation, for Ladies and Selected Dudes!

Oh, Fucking While Feminist. What does it MEAN??? Such is the discussion amongst the ladies today. In my personal experience, Fucking While Feminist is pretty much like doing any other thing While Feminist: Going to the grocery store, napping, napping before going to the grocery store, etc. It’s pretty much like usual, except that if you notice any unfairness in the procedure, you are going to complain MUCH MORE READILY AND LOUDLY than you would otherwise.

The main thing Fucking While Feminist means to me is getting comfortable with boundaries. I started out my extremely sexy life as a sexually active lady who has sex as a woman who was extremely uncomfortable with saying the word “no.” Or “ouch.” Or “would you please,” or “would you please stop.” This isn’t about consent, exactly; this is about knowing that, if you do want to have some super-fun consensual sex with someone, it will not automatically kill the entire buzz to talk about what you want, or to ask them to cut that one specific thing out already.

I had encounters that made me uncomfortable and icked-out; I had encounters in which boundaries just weren’t delineated or negotiated, and desires weren’t expressed verbally or clearly, and nobody (my partners included) walked away satisfied; I had encounters where I did stuff I didn’t want to do because I was supposed to like it, and encounters where I didn’t ask for what I wanted, because it wasn’t what I was supposed to want, or because I was afraid of the terrible sexy inconvenience I might impose. I had sex with people like I was a customer service representative for the First United Bank of Sex: Obliging, friendly, and more or less impersonal. Always willing to go the extra mile! Oh, no, no trouble at all! That’s what I’m here for! And then I clocked out, and I hung out with my friends, and I complained about all the terrible douches I was having unsatisfactory sex with, and I just. Didn’t. Understand. WHYYYYY. Like, sure, I didn’t know what I wanted or how to say it, but it was my understanding that every other sexually active human being on earth was a freaking telepath, so what was up with this situation? I had, to be blunt, the encounters that you WOULD have if your sexual education consisted of a book about Your Changing Body and a handful of paperback romance novels from your cousins, heavily featuring (a) cowboys and (b) ladies getting totally turned on by rape.

I wouldn’t say that feminism changed anything overnight. But getting involved with feminism did encourage me to think more about my personal life, and it did encourage me to think about how that life measured up to my personal idea of fairness, and it did help me to get over the idea that your sex life is so embarrassing and weird that it has to live in some specific corner of your head totally unrelated to your everyday thinking and beliefs. Feminism taught me that it was okay to talk about sex, even perhaps if you were having or about to have sex! And that things worked out better that way! Because feminism taught me that ladies matter. Even the naked ones. Even if they are you.

Which, you know: It would be fun, if that solved everything. Feminism is like a lot of ideologies; inconvenient and sometimes hard to live up to. Of the many varieties of Feminist Guilt, the I Didn’t Have an Orgasm Correctly Guilt may be one of the more obnoxious. All of the clear boundaries and open communication and healthsome respect for your ladybusiness and the assorted business of others isn’t guaranteed to work, especially not if the fellow business-owners you’re engaging with don’t plan on bringing the same thing to the table. And sometimes, things just don’t work. So, that’s another way that Fucking While Feminist is like Other Stuff While Feminist: You’re always going to get it wrong, sometimes. And you’re always going to be coming up with new definitions. And you’re always going to be in the process of perfecting.

15 Comments

  1. Renee wrote:

    This post is full of win!

    especially the last line:

    “And you’re always going to be in the process of perfecting.”

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 6:11 pm | Permalink
  2. Meredith wrote:

    I love this. I especially love your opening paragraph.

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 6:33 pm | Permalink
  3. K wrote:

    I like the ending. Relatable – sometimes things just don’t work & even feminism won’t fix that.

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 6:41 pm | Permalink
  4. danielle wrote:

    Aaaaa, it’s like you read my 20-something journal and wrote a blog about it! Thank you. Especially for the “First United Bank of Sex” bit. Brilliant.

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 6:49 pm | Permalink
  5. CassieC wrote:

    I hate to bring the downer to the party, but I’m not sure sex is perfectable. It’s one of those rather clumsy but enjoyable things people do together (or alone! we might need a post on masturbating while feminist). It’s like cooking: fun, often yummy, but perfection might be elusive.

    I’ve found that being rather self-confident, obnoxious, and having an inappropriate sense of humor (the last one especially) help me with the sexytimes. For me, these are feminist traits.

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 6:52 pm | Permalink
  6. Sammi wrote:

    “And you’re always going to be in the process of perfecting.”

    I know work on perfecting at every opportunity.

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 7:28 pm | Permalink
  7. Mongoose6 wrote:

    Good post Sady! I have also evolved over time as a feminist who sometimes has sex (not nearly often enough, unfortunately.) My first anti-patriarchy reaction was “These sexist rules don’t fit my life, I reject them.” And anarchy reigned – resulting in some missteps. I am not working on introducing my own rules, which I discuss with friends, since I think I do need to be part of a community sharing some standards. In sum, I think rejecting traditional and ofter anti-woman sexual standards is a great first step, but that there is work that comes after as well.

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 7:38 pm | Permalink
  8. TheDon wrote:

    Found this page through Jezebel and all I can says is thank you for this.

    My super sexy sex life has been more like yours started. I’ve had my share of assholes and overly-agreeable, really mediocre sex, with a few bright spots. I’m currently in the celibate middle with a determination to make it better, and more communicative. And I just needed to read this and have it reaffirmed.

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 8:06 pm | Permalink
  9. Alison wrote:

    Thanks for this post. It’s pretty awesome to know that I am not the only one with these problems :\ Sometimes this reminder is nice!

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 10:13 pm | Permalink
  10. Moneypenny wrote:

    I have been thinking about this a lot, especially after two specific events happened recently:

    My supercrush and I decided to part ways, but not before we had some really great sex. I have always been honest about my desires, but never really worried about whether they’d be upset so I didn’t think that counted as much as this specific time when I was so worried that maybe his feelings may be hurt or he may freak out. It was one of those moments where believing you’re a feminist turns into actually living it out in possibly scary real life situations. It was a huge deal.

    The second was when my younger sister who is at an HBCU with a bunch of super young men chasing after her was telling me about her latest conquest and how he tried to treat her as if her desire to have sex with him was grounds for him to treat her unkindly. She has always struggled with owning her sexuality and I think she’s getting it together because when he tried to slut shame her after she wouldn’t walk over to his place to have sex (sarcasm- because she has high standards- /sarcasm) she told him “I am not the pussy delivery service, and having sex a degrading act, idiot.”. It made me so proud. My little sis is fucking while feminist!

    Great post.

    Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 10:16 pm | Permalink
  11. Yolk E wrote:

    Love this post. I needed to read this tonight!

    I think part of the problem is that the dialogue surrounding sex is still steered by old patriarchal standards–the Madonna/whore/virgin/slut dichotomies persist and get engrained in us over time. As a result, we’re subtly coached not to talk about our needs during sex… or draw the line when others have bullshit expectations. This leads to an ultimately dissatisfying experience for both partners, as you said, Sady.

    But fuck that! It may take self-knowing and courage to assert one’s needs, but it leads to better experiences for both parties…
    thanks again for writing! I totally dig this blog.

    Sunday, October 17, 2010 at 12:20 am | Permalink
  12. Kiri wrote:

    I like this.

    Sunday, October 17, 2010 at 12:11 pm | Permalink
  13. JustDucky wrote:

    Took me a long time – long after I’d started calling myself a feminist, even – for me to get comfortable talking about the sex thing. But somehow, after a divorce from a seriously unhappy marriage, I reevaluated, and wow. Talking made all the difference.

    I still have a few internal squibbles about sex – mostly because of the kink factor, and how that does or does not interact with the feminist in me. :/

    But, I’ve got an incredibly loving, considerate, caring partner now, and he’s good enough to begin the dialog. A big part of Fucking While Feminist – having standards high enough that the person you’re fucking has respect for you.

    Monday, October 18, 2010 at 4:27 am | Permalink
  14. sarahhf wrote:

    @Moneypenny — “I am not the pussy delivery service.” AWESOME. Your sister is a feminist rock star.

    Wednesday, October 20, 2010 at 2:37 pm | Permalink
  15. Brennan wrote:

    @ cassiec,
    I think your comment is essentially what Sady was saying with the “process of perfecting” line: if you’re always “in the process,” you never quite get there, and that’s okay. The journey is worth it more than the unattainable destination. Like your cooking example. I may never turn out the perfect batch of chocolate chip cookies, but that doesn’t stop me from trying every single time leading to . . . lots of really good cookies with a few disasters mixed in. Kinda like my theoretical sex life.

    Mmm . . . cookie dough . . .

    Wednesday, October 20, 2010 at 8:45 pm | Permalink