Oh, hey there, my non-fetal friends. Would you believe it’s been an entire week, since I first hacked this blog and transformed it into a safe space for Fetus-Americans? I know! I know! That’s 1/12th of a trimester! OR SOMETHING. And at this point, I’m pretty sure I’ve won you all over with my radical new ideas for a new America and a new day. You may not be pregnant with me yet (because you’re selfish, and broken inside, and will never know true fulfillment) but you ARE pregnant with something ALMOST AS IMPORTANT. Which is hope.

Hope for the forthcoming political candidacy of ME! Grizzly Fetus!

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. “Grizzly Fetus,” is what you are thinking, “you may well be a rad dude, and a shining hope for the new generation, but how are you going to get yourself elected President? You don’t even exist yet! And when you do, you will be too young to vote!” To which I reply: SHUT YOUR FACE, YOU INTOLERABLE BIGOT. Voting begins at conception! Or it WOULD, had not FEMINISTS created this RADICALLY OPPRESSIVE ANTI-FETUS SOCIETY in which I must technically-not-live, and struggle, every single day.

But, more to the point: We all know this is going to be an uphill struggle. I will have to face much oppression, and attempts to de-legitimize me on the grounds of my non-existence, every day. But you know what adds a lot, to any given political campaign? A rockin’ VP candidate, that’s who! Someone with pizazz, and panache, and other p-words that don’t end in “lanned” or “arenthood!” Someone who will board the Grizzly Fetus train and keep it running right over whatever damsels might be tied to its tracks.

“But Grizzly Fetus,” you are asking yourself, “who will you choose? I can’t think of anyone as awesomely dedicated to fetuses as you are, nor anyone charismatic enough to share your spotlight!” YES, YOU ARE ASKING YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS. I know you so well, you see! I am confident that each and every single one of your comments will reflect this sort of unconditional support! But once again, you have underestimated me. BECAUSE YOU’RE A BIGOT, AND HATE FETUSES, AND YOU’RE STUPID.

Just look at all these rockin’ candidates I have in mind!

1. YEEZY

QUALIFICATIONS: Taught you well. Specifically, taught you that ladies get pregnant on purpose, because abortions cost ONE BAZILLION DOLLARS (it’s true! Don’t look it up! YEEZY TAUGHT YOU), and ladies want to take ONE BAZILLION DOLLARS from you, so they can spend it all on abortions, which are their favorite thing to do.

FURTHER QUALIFICATIONS: Reliably strong, professional media presence, particularly in stressful situations, making him a good candidate for debates. (“And what are your thoughts on the tax cuts, Yeezy?” “I feel very alone very used very tortured very forced very misunderstood very hollow very very misused.” WHAMMO! POLITICAL THEATER! BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE, WHICH IS YOUR VOTE, FOR ME!) Friends with Justin Bieber.

CONS: Not actually Justin Bieber. Bad stance on contraception: We like the fear and distrust of ladies, and lack of knowledge about abortion, but Yeezy stops short of endorsing the correct “forced pregnancy” option. High likelihood of “going rogue.”

2. REPRESENTATIVE BOBBY FRANKLIN

QUALIFICATIONS: Looks sort of like a fetus. Also, thinks like a fetus! Witness his new proposed bill, in which ladies who miscarry — known for whining about how they “actually wanted” those pregnancies, and are “sad” about it; WE KNOW THE TRUTH, LADIES — would be subject to a police investigation, to make sure they did not somehow ACTUALLY MURDER their wanted fetuses with the POWER OF THEIR MINDS! This radical and visionary new bill brings us one step closer to TRUE fetal justice: A world in which not being pregnant, FOR ANY REASON, is a criminal offense. The sentence? Get yourself pregnant! Of course!

FURTHER QUALIFICATIONS: Also, proposed a bill to re-name rape and domestic violence victims “accusers.” Which serves basically no purpose but to hurt your feelings and piss you off. Rep. Bobby Franklin is a man who shares Grizzly Fetus’s priorities! His visions! His attitudes, toward ladies, and their constant whining!

CONS: Look, this ticket already has one pink, hairless candidate without a developed brain stem. We don’t need two.

3. JUSTIN BIEBER

QUALIFICATIONS: Baby, baby, baby, whooaaaaaoooh, baby, baby, baby, whoooooaaaaaaaaoooh, baby, baby, baby, whooooaaaaaaaaaaooooh… Oh, man. I could listen to that all day. And I will! Baby, baby, baby…

FURTHER QUALIFICATIONS: I mean, just look at him. Look! At! Him! Never did Grizzly Fetus think he would look forward to being a non-fetus. But if I could turn out like Justin Bieber… it’s like he’s the state to which all fetuses aspire. All pink and round and innocent, but with an awesome haircut, and a voice as warm and soothing as a uterus full of amniotic fluid. Plus, he hates abortions! But, again, look at him. How could he not? Baby, baby, baby…

CONS: “Canadian?” I have no idea what that means, honestly. I gather it’s some PC term for that big state up North. And, bizarrely, they won’t let you be Vice-President if you’re from there? WHATEVER. They won’t let you be President if you’re imaginary, either! And if I can overcome that, Bieber can overcome HIS oppression, and join with me to rule both America and Canadamerica.

4. WILLIAM SALETAN

QUALIFICATIONS: Look. Ultimately, the Grizzly Fetus campaign wants an intellectual Vice-President. A sophisticated Vice-President. A COMPLETELY MADDENING Vice-President who will make feminists THROW THEIR COMPUTER CHAIRS INTO THEIR COMPUTERS whenever they hear the most recent thing he has to say. And, for that reason, there can be no better choice, for Grizzly Fetus, than popular “abortion is murder! SORT OF???? No, really, yeah, it’s murder” columnist William Saletan. Saletan, you see, says he is “pro-choice” a lot. Or he frames himself as some sort of “fence-sitter.” But that doesn’t stop him from coming up with a steady stream of ledes like these!

Tiller’s Killer

Is it wrong to murder an abortionist?

By William Saletan Posted Monday, June 1, 2009, at 2:44 PM EST

If abortion is murder, the most efficient thing you could have done to prevent such murders this month was to kill George Tiller.

Haha, AWESOME! And perfectly in line with what “Tiller’s Killer” (IT RHYMES) must have thought himself!

FURTHER QUALIFICATIONS: Hey, you know when those stupid whinery poor ladies were all, “we can’t find anyone to give us an abortion,” and then Kermit Gosnell was all, “I’ll give you abortions, that you’ve been trying to get for a long time, but can’t,” and then he ended up murdering one of them? You know where the blame for that belongs? FEMINISTS. CLEARLY. And you know who was the ONLY NON-FETAL MAN with the balls to PRINT THAT?

The Baby Butcher

Pro-choice absolutism and the grisly abortion scandal in Philadelphia.

By William SaletanPosted Thursday, Jan. 20, 2011, at 8:48 AM ET

Should there be a limit on when women can seek abortions?Should abortion be allowed late in pregnancy? Some feminists say yes. In recent months, several have stepped forward to condemn talk of compromise between pro-choice and pro-life moderates. Women’s autonomy, they argue, must be absolute.

YES, INDEEDY-DO. And, in their quest to ensure women’s precious “autonomy” (which, as we’ve established, is wrong) they NO DOUBT support the killing of women with unsafe surgical implements and probably scissors. It is what feminists want! It is what they are after! Saletan knows! And he SPECIFICALLY WRITES COLUMNS TO ANNOY THEM, because he knows it so well.

CONS: I can see no cons. For his commitment to annoying feminists, for his heroic commitment to passing judgment on the actions of pregnant people, for his intense and unwavering focus on uterus-havers and the things they do with their uteruses even though he is not possessed of a uterus himself, William Saletan undoubtedly represents the best of Grizzly Fetus’s Vision For America.

Unless Yeezy’s free. Is Yeezy free, do you think? I just really, really like Yeezy.