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Are you there, Representative Bobby Franklin? It’s Me, Devery

[Devery Doleman is a woman. A woman with a QUEST FOR JUSTICE! She has asked those of us at Tiger Beatdown to aid her in bringing a killer to light. As quasi-responsible bloggers, we have no choice but to aid her in this quest. Read her story of mystery and suspense below.]

Dear Representative Franklin:

I need your help. I need your Uterine Investigatory Crime Unit and every bit of biological lady-part know-how your degree in Biblical studies and Business Administration from Covenant College in Lookout Mountain, Georgia, can bring to my case. I’m scared, Representative Franklin. Because I think – I think there is a killer inside me. The killer is MY UTERUS. Help me stop it before it kills again.

I first experienced “the curse” in August, 1986. I’m pretty sure there was no prenatal murdering since I didn’t have sexual relations with a boy until 1993 – but then, what do I know? You seem to be the science expert here. It happens every month – it’s been 24 years now of tampons and blood and cramping and all apparently BEYOND MY CONTROL. Now I’m married and my husband and I have been trying to get with child for the past two years – but every month instead of two pink lines I get a gush of blood all over the little white stick, like Lady MacBeth in a shitty rom-com. Please tell me – Am I a prenatal murderess? Given that I have been menstruating since 14, am now 38 and have never been pregnant? They don’t call it THE CURSE for nothing, Mr. Franklin.
I’m trying to do everything right: I have the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor. I stand on my head after sex. I even wore a red muu-muu while we did it with a picture of Faye Dunaway as Serena Joy taped to the headboard! And then there’s that period of suspense when I think I am with child: the metallic taste in the mouth, the dizziness, the rage out of nowhere, the yen for a salt lick. But turns out it was just hateful old PMS. The killer has struck again.

Now when I start crying for no reason during a channel-surfed glimpse of the finale of LiLo’s remake of Herbie: Fully Loaded, I have no idea. I could be pregnant — OR AM I ABOUT TO KILL AGAIN. I’m on tenterhooks here. Wait a minute. Is a “tenterhook” kind of like a coat hanger? Am I metaphorically standing/laying/walking on a the motherlode of prenatal murder weapons? Is the killer yet again Mrs. OfHusbandsName with the Tenterhooks on the Sofa?  I could call my doctor — but what if the radiation from the cell phone causes prenatal murder? What about my prenatal vitamins? They’re Dr. Furhman Gentle Prenatals – they’re vegan – oh my god, could not harming animals be killing an innocent angel baby EVERY MONTH?

Another thing. If “’prenatal murder’ means the intentional removal of a fetus from a woman with an intention other than to produce a live birth or to remove a dead fetus,” does this mean that I have to leave my tampons in my vagina until they fall out of their own accord? In 1999 I forgot about one up there after a wild weekend, got toxic shock and had to go to the ER at Bellevue where a doctor removed it – do you need to shoot him? (At least I’m off the hook for that one, right?) I don’t remember his name, but he was blond and looked like a stoner Jeff Daniels.  Maybe a posse should track him down?

Your proposed law declares that “[prenatal murder] does not include a naturally occurring expulsion of a fetus known medically as a ‘spontaneous abortion’ and popularly as a ‘miscarriage’ so long as there is no human involvement whatsoever in the causation of such event.” I’m so confused, Bobby! Don’t you see? The event is happening inside me which would seem to indicate that this particular human, aka ME!, no matter what happens, no matter what I eat, breathe, say or do, is deeply, deeply involved! The killer is calling from inside the house! What is happening to me every month that I am not pregnant? Is it a “miscarriage”? Or a MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE?

I can’t take this uncertainty any more, so if it’s okay with you, I’d like to start sending you evidence right away. There’s still a bloodstain on our mattress pad, I have a bunch of old period underwear, and I’m happy to bag and send you my tampons next week if the killer strikes again. Usually I go through an OB Super once every 2 hours the first couple days so there will be ample material for your lab to analyze to determine what in the hell is going on here and to help bring the relevant parties to justice.
Help me, OB-GYN Kenobi – I mean, Representative Franklin. You’re my only hope.

All my best,

Devery (aka, OfClay)

Many of us have been stirred by Devery’s unswerving commitment to finding the killer within. Although, sadly, US law prohibits us from sending unsolicited, used tampons and pads — don’t do it! Don’t do it or you will GO TO JAIL, REAL TALK — we are collecting photos of such, as evidence, which we will be sending to Rep. Franklin along with our reports on the potential crime, and our urgent pleas for him to investigate the OBs, Tampaxes, Keepers, sea sponges and other potential crime scenes in our possession. You may send Bobby Franklin your crime reports and photographed evidence here:

Rep. Bobby Franklin
401 Coverdell Legislative Office Building
Atlanta, Georgia 30334

Fax number: 404-656-5562.

E-mail: bobby.franklin@house.ga.gov


39 Comments

  1. amy wrote:

    This is amazing. Thank you, DeveryOfClay

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 12:53 pm | Permalink
  2. ozymandias wrote:

    I think there is one serious question going on here that Representative Franklin needs to clarify IMMEDIATELY.

    …If you aren’t married, how can you form your Shiny New Handmaid’s Tale Name?

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm | Permalink
  3. MissCarryD wrote:

    oh! i wish i had thought of taking pictures during my miscarriages. or having friends come over to document them. because mercy knows i want to help this man (especially as i am just a piece of property with no brain or values of my own).

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 3:54 pm | Permalink
  4. InfamousQBert wrote:

    @Ozymandias: the question is “Why aren’t you married?”. if you’re not married, you have no right to be discussing or participating in events (such as sexual ones) that could possibly induce pre-natal homicides. i think we need to have a whole other crime category devoted to “Unmarried Ladyfolk Who Participate In Acts, Sexual, And Are Therefore Whores Who Should Be Arrested Without Question”.

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 4:00 pm | Permalink
  5. MARGARET NOLAN wrote:

    BRAVA! I only wish I were young enough to join the brigade of special packages for this misogynist.
    However, I would join picketing and/or demonstrations to inconvenience any of these dreadful people.
    Where are the public demonstrations? I see very few. Picketing works!

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 4:01 pm | Permalink
  6. grrljock wrote:

    Brilliant!

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 4:27 pm | Permalink
  7. ozymandias wrote:

    Ohmigod. I have been engaging in sexual activity without benefit of marriage. I’VE BEEN BRINGING MY EGGS INTO A BROKEN HOME!

    But I have seen the light. Thank you, InfamousQBert, Grizzly Fetus and Representative Franklin. I will get married immediately to the next man who walks by my door, regardless of whether he knows my name or anything, and take up my Proper Womanly Duty.

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 4:34 pm | Permalink
  8. Jay wrote:

    If you email him, you get an autoreply with “Due to the unreliability of the General Assembly’s technical support team, it is unlikely that I will receive your email.” and his phone number. I don’t know how common it is to blame the tech support for this sort of thing, but it kinda strikes me as a pretty assholish cherry on top of the giant sundae of shit.

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 5:17 pm | Permalink
  9. mycorrhizae wrote:

    i have never been so excited to get my period. thank you.

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 6:53 pm | Permalink
  10. Alicia wrote:

    This is the single greatest thing I’ve read in regard to menstruation. “Help me, OB-GYN Kenobi” was particularly spit-take inducing. Thank you!

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 7:04 pm | Permalink
  11. Marste wrote:

    “does this mean that I have to leave my tampons in my vagina until they fall out of their own accord?”

    I read here regularly, but mostly lurk. But this made me literally (literally-literally, not figuratively-literally) laugh out loud at my desk. (Also I snorted a little.)

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 8:01 pm | Permalink
  12. I got the same e-mail throwing his tech support team under the bus when I contacted him today. So I called and got one of this minions who flat out stated they were not discussing HB1 over the phone and hung up. Later that same number rolled to the general voicemail for the GA House.

    I say we band together and mail him all our used tampons as ‘evidence’ of our murderous rampages!

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 9:41 pm | Permalink
  13. JetGirl wrote:

    For the unmarried ladies who are concerned about their lack of a proper Gilead name, may I suggest using your father’s first name? Or a brother, uncle or male cousin. Any penis, after all, will do as guardian.
    You’re welcome,
    Ofjetboy

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 10:20 pm | Permalink
  14. rebekah wrote:

    so can I send him a ziplock bag filled with my menstrual blood? I use a mooncup with lunapads as backup so there is nothing other than that that I could send him, but that would work well I think

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 10:53 pm | Permalink
  15. Irised wrote:

    Um folks pretty sure it said right there in the post not to send actual menstrual fluids on account of being arrested and such!

    Honestly I don’t have much idea what’s going on but it seems to involve sending photos of periods to anti-choice assholes I AM SO EXCITED

    Friday, February 25, 2011 at 11:03 pm | Permalink
  16. Nora wrote:

    My period’s SUPER late, probably due to weird eating habits due to depression and then the piles and piles of drugs I am taking to attempt to treat the depression. Am I the guilty party if this kills babby, or is it my psychiatrist? Or perhaps a conspiracy of my neurotransmitters working in conjunction with my brain?

    Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 3:11 am | Permalink
  17. Kate Harding wrote:

    1) “OB-GYN Kenobi.” Love. 2) All the rest of it. Love. 3) Hi, Devery! Worlds colliding! Cool!

    Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 9:38 am | Permalink
  18. jensan wrote:

    Has anyone alerted media to this initiative? It’s just creepy enough that they’ll love it.

    Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 10:23 am | Permalink
  19. P Smith wrote:

    It would be hypocritical for the governor of Georgia not to investigate men who engage in masturbation, since it doesn’t lead to or prevents pregnancy.

    Given that the governor is a jerkoff himself, he’d be going to prison. Problem solved.

    Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 11:34 am | Permalink
  20. Batocchio wrote:

    Awesome.

    Uteruses. How do they work?

    Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm | Permalink
  21. nycgrlupstate wrote:

    Hahaha, can’t stop laughing!! Almost wish I was young enough to send photographic evidence to that jerk…guess I got away with serial murder all of those years!

    Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 9:04 pm | Permalink
  22. Meru wrote:

    I’ve never been more excited to get my period. It’s on.

    Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 10:30 pm | Permalink
  23. Devery wrote:

    Thanks so much everyone! And thank you, Kate — hello again to you too!

    There will be a tumblr soon where you can SUBMIT YOUR EVIDENCE for evaluation by the Bobby Franklin’s crack forensics team. Stay tuned! :-)

    Sunday, February 27, 2011 at 9:02 am | Permalink
  24. bridget wrote:

    Unfortunately, you all are far too intelligent for these zombie politicians.

    This is fantastic.

    Sunday, February 27, 2011 at 12:36 pm | Permalink
  25. Ari wrote:

    OMG TUMBLR! POST! I CAN’T WAIT!

    Sunday, February 27, 2011 at 3:21 pm | Permalink
  26. Pixie Eve wrote:

    Does this mean that Bobby Franklin needs to drink from my Diva Cup in order to verify that the blood has a hint of rotten egg?
    I really, really, really hope that someone who uses the Diva Cup takes this challenge. There’s nothing like a shot of blood to clear up any misconceptions over whether or not a period is just a period.

    Monday, February 28, 2011 at 12:21 pm | Permalink
  27. m wrote:

    Nora (post #16) brings up a good point. What about women of child-bearing age who do not even menstruate for various reasons (low percentage of body fat because of eating disorder or excessive exercise, etc.)? Should they be held legally accountable for this aberration? It’s like unintentional premeditated attempted murder.

    Monday, February 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm | Permalink
  28. beryl michaels wrote:

    What about all those sperm that go wasted? Aren’t the sperm also potential Georgia citizens? Seems that if eggs are potential humans worthy of protection, than sperm must enjoy that same status. Think we can get a companion law that says all men who ejaculate, for any reason and at any age are wasting potential humans and are therefore guilty of possible murder?
    I’m thinking the voters in Bobby’s district must be so proud of his attempt to make criminals out of all women who have miscarriages.

    Monday, February 28, 2011 at 6:10 pm | Permalink
  29. Joshua wrote:

    If fifty percent of fetilized egss miscarry, and you know that before having sex, then having sex during ovulation becomes a conspiracy to commit murder. Of course, sometimes there is not much planning.
    It also seems to me that a used tampon would be proof of absence of intent, even with an unimplanted egg present. You know, re ipsa—the thing speaks for itself.

    Monday, February 28, 2011 at 11:22 pm | Permalink
  30. Devery wrote:

    Start taking and posting those crime scene photos, pretty please:

    http://unsolvedhysteries.tumblr.com/

    Tuesday, March 1, 2011 at 11:50 am | Permalink
  31. Kara wrote:

    Just curious…Why isn’t the man (you know…that fella that did the impregnating)..why isn’t he being tried as an accomplice????

    Thursday, March 3, 2011 at 8:07 pm | Permalink
  32. Jessica wrote:

    Brilliant! Thank you.

    Friday, March 4, 2011 at 12:18 am | Permalink
  33. Sal wrote:

    Bobby Franklin also commented that Georgia public schools are a “sinking ship” and therefore “The State Has No Jurisdiction To Educate Our Children — Period!” Right, that’s the way to fix the problem of shitty schools. How is this asshole in office? Poor Georgia.

    Friday, March 4, 2011 at 9:25 am | Permalink
  34. Devery wrote:

    Kara — I know right? He’s the one who takes out the trash every night. ACCOMPLICE!

    Friday, March 4, 2011 at 9:25 am | Permalink
  35. Melinda wrote:

    I am confused. Did Franklin actually equate unfertilized eggs with fetuses? Because they are very different things from medical and ethical perspectives.
    Typically, a monthly period (Even if you are having sex regularly) means that the egg has not been fertilized and is already unviable.

    Sunday, March 6, 2011 at 3:48 am | Permalink
  36. unholyghost2003 wrote:

    MELINDA,
    um no. Studies have found that 30 to 50 percent of *fertilized* eggs are lost before or during the process of implantation – often so early that a woman goes on to get her period at about the expected time. A monthly period does NOT mean that the egg is unfertilized it means that the egg failed to implant or failed to implant correctly (either because it was unfertilized OR due to some other issue)

    Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 10:52 am | Permalink
  37. Chrissy-poo wrote:

    So what does the mean for those of us who have had ablations???? Are we now serial killers since technically I’m still able to get pregnant, I just shouldn’t????

    Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 3:24 pm | Permalink
  38. Melinda wrote:

    unholyghost2003
    It appears that at least some of those studies were done in IVF, which is a completely different story. But even if those statistics are true for all pregnancies, it would still mean that typically a monthly period does not have a fertilized egg.
    I don’t want to argue semantics, and I totally get the fundamental arguement Devery is making, I just thought the presentation was strange.
    I am not attacking the article (which was hilarious) and I am not arguing that Franklin seems like an asshat.
    I was also genuinely curious if that is what he said, because if he said that potential fetuses (such as eggs) were “life” then he is an even bigger, and dumber, asshat.

    Friday, March 11, 2011 at 12:46 am | Permalink
  39. freedom wrote:

    This guy is unbelievable- how can people like this get in office- we are all going to hell!!!!!!!!! he’s a fruitcake!!we as women have to protect ourselves against our own governments!!!!

    Friday, March 11, 2011 at 9:31 am | Permalink