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Yes, It Is a Golden Cow

A golden cow with dude parts: 

They are praying to save the economy! WHAT COULD GO WRONG.
 

Can You "Spot" the Unnecessary "Quotation" Marks?

You know, when a woman of my persuasion sees that the New York Times has published an obituary for Gerard Damiano, the director of Deep Throat, she really only has two options: to accept that the New York Times will not report Linda Lovelace’s claims that she was beaten, raped, and coerced with threats of further violence or murder into making that movie, or to accept that the New York Times will manage to report on those claims in a shitty manner.

Guess which path Margalit Fox chose?

In later years, Ms. [Lovelace] denounced the film as depicting her “rape.”

Let’s leave aside, for the moment, the fact that sex workers’ voices are routinely dismissed (if they say they enjoy their work, they’re perceived to be lying, and if they say they don’t enjoy their work, they’re also perceived to be lying – the one constant is that a sex worker never has the right to be the final authority on her own experience). Let’s leave aside the fact that some people still don’t believe that sex workers can be raped. Let’s leave aside the fact that sex workers are perceived as disposable and subhuman, and the fact that they are therefore disproportionately targeted for violence, and the fact that their rapists, attackers, and/or murderers are rarely if ever brought to justice because the society at large perceives sex workers as less entitled to protection than other people. Let’s leave aside, finally, the fact that this has dangerous implications, not just for sex workers, but for any woman who is perceived as “too” sexual, as evidenced by the Haidl rape case, in which a teenaged girl was drugged, raped, and sodomized with a glass bottle and a lit cigarette and a pool cue and the defense argued that it was not rape because she’d said once that she wanted to be in porn. Leaving aside all of this, let me just point out that it is relatively uncommon for women to have clits in their throats, but that there seems to be a nationwide epidemic of “dick fingers.”

Yet Another Reason to Envy Columbia Students

Roy Den Hollander, the man who exists solely to confirm your darkest fears about men who look like Roy Den Hollander, has filed suit against Columbia for having a Women’s Studies program. Here, he explains:

“To me, Columbia is a bastion of feminism, a boot camp for turning out feminist stormtroopers who pervert the constitutional law and destroy men.”

WHAT.

Seriously, dudes: there’s a feminist stormtrooper boot camp in town and no-one told me? Now I’ll never get to command the Feminist Death Star! (It looks like this.) I hold each and every Columbia student responsible.

Of course, you know what the best part of getting your Stormtrooping degree at Columbia would be:


COLUMBIA SPRING BREAK! Yeah, SPRING BREAK, wooo.

Aaron P. Taylor Did Not Rape You. He Deserves a Cookie!

Yes, it’s true: if you are reading this, Aaron P. Taylor of UnCommoN SENSE (“a Blog on Deciphering the Enigma that is Life”) probably did not rape you. (If he did: my apologies. You can put away the baking sheet now.) In fact, Aaron P. Taylor cares so much about rape, and your safety from it, that he put together a little blog post, entitled “Advice 4 Women: How Not to Get a ‘Deserved’ Raping.”

Ha ha, well, too late for me, I guess! If only I’d found Aaron P. Taylor earlier. Aaron P. Taylor: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? That is what I would like to know!

Let’s get down to business. Aaron P. Taylor – born on January 7, 1982, in Petersburg, VA, where he did not rape you – begins by laying down a little slice of the enigma that is his life, so as to decipher it. Here, he finds himself at a club in Atlanta, GA, where he has been living for the past several years while not raping you:

We got on the dance floor, and started dancing. At first it was no-touch dancing, with both of us dancing in front of each other doing the best two-steps we could. After the first dance session, she went away for a while, and I proceeded to continue dancing by myself.

A few minutes later, she came over again, and wanted to dance to another song. Once again, I agreed.

This time, though, the dancing she did was more suggestive…

The next time we danced, our faces were touching again. Me, being the guy I am, decided to go in for a light kiss. I puckered up my lips, tilted my head to the side, and…

BOOM! She turned her face and I got the cheek!

BOOM! Aaron P. Taylor got the cheek! POW! That girl did not want a sexing from Aaron P. Taylor! ZAP! Aaron P. Taylor is ugly! (Seriously, look at the picture. Is that a lazy eye?)

Anyway, Aaron P. Taylor, who graduated from Hampton University with a degree in Fine and Performing Arts that he earned by studying hard and not raping you, was inspired by this curious incident to write a little bit about what he could have done, had he not chosen to engage in the fine gentlemanly not-raping-you type of behavior which Aaron P. Taylor always strives to uphold:

Had I been a less-than-understanding guy (i.e., a forceful-type of guy who always “gets what he wants by any means necessary”), I could have just as easily forced a kiss on her, or worse – waited until after the club let out to follow her to her car, then followed her to her house. And, when she got out her car, I could have been right there ready to pounce on her, saying: “I think you owe me something, lady!!”

My goodness, Aaron P. Taylor! That is a very active and suspiciously detailed fantasy life you’ve got going on there! On the other hands, it is certainly nice that you are including these super helpful “Tips for the Rapey” in your anti-rape article: it shows that you don’t take sides.

So, we’ve established that Aaron P. Taylor did not rape you, because Aaron P. Taylor is not a less-than-understanding guy. (He certainly understands how to stalk and rape someone! NOT THAT HE EVER WOULD.) Here are some other things that Aaron P. Taylor did not do:

  • Aaron P. Taylor did not did not videotape himself throwing a puppy over a cliff while serving a term of military service; he also did not post the subsequent video on YouTube.
  • Aaron P. Taylor did not commit the Zodiac murders; he also did not taunt various individuals with cryptic messages pertaining to said murders.
  • Aaron P. Taylor did not start the popular internet practice of “Rick Rolling.”
  • Aaron P. Taylor did not conspire to conceal the location of Osama bin Laden following the attacks of 9/11.
  • Aaron P. Taylor’s favorite American Idol contestant was not Sanjaya; he was not moved to hysterical tears by Sanjaya’s performances, and he did not vote for him repeatedly.
  • Aaron P. Taylor did not boil a rabbit belonging to Michael Douglas following the end of their affair, thereby exposing his deep rage and mental instability; close examination reveals this to be a scene from the movie Fatal Attraction.
  • Aaron P. Taylor was not present at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ; at the crucifixion, when given the choice to free one man, he did not shout “Barabbas! Give us Barabbas!”
  • After substantial investigation, we have concluded that Aaron P. Taylor did not assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand, thereby triggering the first World War.

There are so many terrible things that Aaron P. Taylor has not done! Through not doing terrible things, he has gained the wisdom that comes with not doing them. Wisdom like this:

In short, ladies: if you don’t want a guy to rape you, don’t do stuff intentionally that you know will make him want to jump your bones. You may think doing these sorts of things is “cute” and “just being a girl,” but it’s dangerous, and can get you hurt. Teasing a guy with soft whispers, body groping, or any other type of enticing maneuver is wrong if you don’t plan on following through.

You heard him right, ladies: if you want to stay safe from Aaron P. Taylor, do not flirt with him, touch him, speak to him, or show him any kind of sexual or friendly attention, lest he be enticed, lose control, and accidentally follow you to a deserted location and give you a raping. What sound advice! I think we can all agree that no woman should ever interact with Aaron P. Taylor again for the rest of his life, can’t we?

So, Aaron P. Taylor: thank you for your insight into why women should run away from you, shrieking in terror, whenever you approach. Were I not so busy getting a restraining order against you, I would most definitely give you a cookie.

[Via.]

I Want to Fondle Your Beautiful Mind

I’ve been trying to speak with people lately about genius and gender. Not surprisingly, no-one is taking the bait! This is why one starts a blog – because the issue of whether women can be imagined or understood as “geniuses” is a tricky one. I can’t quite figure it out.
Not long ago, I read a blog post about “misunderstood geniuses” in film. (This blog post has disappeared into the ether, apparently; it is not Googlable. COME BACK!) The writer pointed out that in most stories about “misunderstood geniuses” – and you know these stories, all of them, all about the struggles and eventual triumphs of people whose dazzling intellects make them misfits – the MG in question tends to be a dude.
This is a tricky statement, since many films about MGs tend to be about people who actually existed, and were, in fact, dudes: off the top of my head, I can name Amadeus, Shine, and A Beautiful Mind (misunderstood geniuses tend to be batshit nuts, apparently). As for women… I don’t know, The Hours, maybe?
Yet this also points to a certain ugly facet of the narrative: when we think of “genius,” we’re far more likely to apply the word (and the narrative that comes with it) to men. When I type the word “genius” into Google, I get this list, which features Einstein, Dylan, Chapman, Chomsky, Da Vinci, Darwin, Mozart, Lennon, Bach, Beethoven, and so on down the list until you get to Ayn Rand, the only woman, at #109. One doubts the smarts of the people who made the list – “Dexter,” a TV character, is included, and Thom Yorke’s name is misspelled – but it is instructive, in that it was assembled by voting and must reflect the biases of more than one person. Harold Bloom’s Genius list looks similar: Shakespeare, de Cervantes, de Montaigne, Milton, Tolstoy, Lucretius, Virgil, St. Augustine, Dante, and on and on and on and, you know, maybe it would just be easier to tell you which women are included. They range from the obvious (Austen, Dickinson, Eliot, Woolf, two out of three Brontes) to who-says-old-codgers-can’t-do-multiculturalism picks (Murasaki) to relatively minor talents whose presence seems puzzling (O’Connor, Wharton, Cather, Murdoch) to sheer bloody pandering (Christina Rossetti!?). There are 101 names, by my count; twelve of them belong to women.
You would like to think that the game changed in the twentieth century, and that as more women gained access to education and became intellectuals or artists we would begin to understand women’s work as more central to contemporary arts and to intellectual life. That is not, unfortunately, true: we reference Derrida and not Cixous, Lacan and not Kristeva, and the kids are still talking about Yorke, Malkmus, Lethem, DFW, Kaufman. And no one – no one – talks about Artemisia Gentileschi.
— HERE WE PAUSE TO TALK ABOUT ARTEMISIA GENTILESCHI —
You probably know the bare bones of Gentileschi’s life story: lived in ye olden times, had to struggle to become a painter because she had lady parts, got raped, pressed one of the first rape cases anywhere, was tortured during the case by having her goddamn fingers broken to prove she wasn’t lying, kept on painting, etc. What no-one seems to talk about, or value, is the fucking incredible relationship her paintings had to standard painterly conventions and to narratives about women. Here, for instance, is Tintoretto’s “Susannah and the Elders.”

Here is Gentileschi’s.

Here is Caravaggio’s “Judith Slaying Holofernes.”

Here is Gentileschi’s.

Gentileschi’s art existed in response to a tradition which did. not. get. female experience: a tradition in which Susannah was a peep show and not a woman experiencing sexual assault, and in which Judith was a meek girl cowering at her task (what, is she shaving him?) and not a determined assassin willing to use violence to defend herself and her people. Gentileschi was to her tradition as “Exile in Guyville” is to “Exile on Main Street.” Gentileschi was vastly ahead of her time in understanding how one could pose a critique of an image by responding to it with another image, which reinterpreted its key components or centralized a marginal presence within it. Gentileschi was able to look at the big guns, the great painters, the men that she was supposed to be learning from, and say, no, you got that wrong; I will show you how to do it. Gentileschi was a genius.
— HERE WE END OUR PAUSE —
It probably shouldn’t be surprising that we think of men as geniuses more often than we think of women that way: they’ve always had access to higher education, and they’ve always been encouraged to “make an impression” and to believe that their voices and opinions are worth hearing. Genius requires ambition, and ambition requires a certain amount of ego: you have to believe that you deserve to be at the top of your field before you can take the chances that might get you there. Bravado and confidence have always been nurtured in boys; girls are encouraged to be smart, but not scary smart, because one-upsmanship or assertiveness or even the ability to do something better than someone else might make people (boys, mostly) feel dumb and therefore less likely to invite one to the Spring Fling.
Then, too, there is the fact that genius is associated with a certain technical innovation. In my experience, most of the men I know engage with art on a technical or structural level; most of the women I know seek to understand it on a human level, as something which exists in the context of lived experience and has the potential to shed light on it. One approach asks, how does X speak to its tradition – is it smart, is it innovative, does it show fine craftsmanship? The other approach asks, how does X speak to me – is it true, does it resonate, does it open up new avenues of understanding? I’m sure that there are plenty of exceptions to this rule; I can enjoy good technique, and I know plenty of men who have been moved by art. Still, I think that it says something about the qualities that men and women are socialized to value, and what they might therefore try to achieve in their own work.
I don’t think either line of questioning is superior to the other; I think we need both. Technical skill should be matched by humanity and depth; leave out either one, and you end up with either a sentimental mess or a science experiment. DFW had the balance; so did Proust, and Shakespeare. Still, if given the choice, people tend to choose the science experiments – and, unsurprisingly, it’s boys who are running the labs. This might explain why so many geniuses are sort of boring, and why so many men who try to be geniuses are worse, and why, when reading (for example) Mark Leyner, or Dave Eggers, or all the guys in my Creative Writing classes who wrote nonsense poems which they said were intended to demonstrate the essential emptiness of language because they’d read “Differance” and been like WHOA, I so often got the urge to scream, dude, put down your toys and tell me something.
I will tell you something: girls don’t have to be geniuses to be misunderstood. We’re too smart from the moment we open our mouths. We’re told to let men win arguments, make people comfortable (which means not telling them when they’re wrong), consider our professional or artistic achievements secondary to our human achievements, be warm not cold, feel don’t think, and speak only in ways that are conducive to reflecting the fantasies and needs and worldviews of the people around us. The narrative of the misunderstood genius speaks to a deeply felt need; everyone, at times, feels that they are smarter than the people around them, and that their intelligence has been suppressed, and that they deserve a chance to be recognized for their talents. I would say that girls feel that way far more often than boys do. We need those stories, no matter how smart we are (or aren’t), to reflect that internal narrative back to us and give it some grace.
It’s just that, when we go to the movies for our stories, we’re always played by dudes.

There Was… a Man…

So, I thought I was going to miss the Mad Men finale, and then it turns out that you can find it online!

Ha ha, no, this is from Saturday Night Live, and I am a dork for posting it.

I can, however, confirm that Steps #1 and #2 will actually work on a real live woman! Try it. She says, what are you thinking? You say, I… do not know. Perhaps… I never have. She says, wow, you’re deep. Or she would, if she could talk through all the smooching.

Eh, It’s Been Done.

I know that last post was pretentious as all fuck, and a bit heavy on the hipster-hate, and I know that hipster-hating is played out and pointless, but seriously: 

If the truth must be told, he was a little bit frightened of middle and lower class humanity, and of foreigners not of his own class. He was, in some paralyzing way, conscious of his own defenselessness, though he had all the defense of privilege… Nevertheless he too was a rebel: rebelling against even his own class. Or perhaps rebel is too strong a word; far too strong. He was only caught in the general, popular recoil of the young against convention and against any sort of real authority. Fathers were ridiculous; his own obstinate one supremely so. And governments were ridiculous: our own wait-and-see sort especially so. And armies were ridiculous, and old buffers of generals, altogether, the red-faced Kitchener supremely. Even the war was ridiculous, though it did kill rather a lot of people… Everything was ridiculous, quite true. But when it came too close, and oneself became ridiculous too…? 

– D.H. Lawrence, from Lady Chatterley’s Lover, 1928

Del Martin Will Have Her Revenge on California

Do you remember Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon? The really unbelievably adorable old lady activists who founded the Daughters of Bilitis? They got married in California in 2004, and then their marriage was voided, but last June they got married – again – almost instantly after the Supreme Court overturned the ban on same sex marriage, and all of this came after they’d lived together for 56 years? They moved in together on Valentine’s Day. In 1953. They told these kind of wonderful stories that made you believe it was possible for two people to stay together, because, just like everyone else, they had problems (Phyllis threw Del’s shoes out the window to demonstrate that she was displeased at having to pick up after her; Del got frustrated because Phyllis won arguments by leaving the room and refusing to engage) but that didn’t matter as much as the fact that they wanted to be with each other. And then Del died two months after their second wedding, and it was really sad, but also really beautiful, because that’s how she got to go out, she won, she got to marry to the person she loved?

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that if Prop 8 passes, Del’s widow Phyllis will have her marriage once more declared legally void. This time, since Del is gone, there will be no take-backs.

Jesus fucking Christ, Prop 8 supporters. Why don’t you kill some puppies with nail guns while you’re at it?

When You Think You Are Fucking Up

Think of W.H. Auden.

Hannah Arendt reportedly described his living quarters this way: “His slum apartment was so cold that the toilet no longer functioned and he had to use the toilet in the liquor store at the corner.” 

Two differences between W.H. Auden and the rest of us: (a) W.H. Auden was one of the major poets of the 20th century, and (b) he had a liquor store on his corner, the lucky bastard. 
About suffering they were never wrong, 
The Old Masters; how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there must always be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer’s horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree. 
In Breughel’s Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry, 
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky, 
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on. 

And Counting

Here is a fact: I have been living on my own (after many years of doing, well, not that) for about a year now. Friends were made! Life lessons were learned! Landlords were avoided! I’ve been rolling these facts over in my mind, trying to understand how my life has changed, and how I have changed, and what it all means.

You know what?

It’s been a good year.

I’ve written more in the past year than I have in the past three or four years combined. I even get paid for some of it. I’ve given myself license to care more about researching French feminisms than I do about cleaning the bathtub. Many of the people that I now consider friends were strangers a year ago. I’ve been to Seattle; I’ve been to Olympia; I’ve ridden a bike along the length of Manhattan. I’ve consumed burritos of strange and wondrous make. I’ve routinely stayed out past my bedtime. I’ve worked rooms and microphones and parties. I’ve made enemies. I’ve cried and I’ve chainsmoked and I’ve gone without sleep; I’ve identified with Emily Gould. I’ve done things that have made my friends’ jaws drop. I’ve done things that have shocked even me.

It is easy – maybe too easy – to stop asking yourself what would make you happy, and stay close to the things that you think will make you safe. This is wrong, and I will tell you why: you are never safe. Loss and change are constants. You will never be safe, and you may not always be happy – but you owe it to yourself to start asking the question.

And a few months ago I was on the Staten Island Ferry, drinking beer and watching the city get bigger in the dark, and I was trying to place that experience within the context of other experiences I’d had; I was asking myself what it resembled. And the answer came from some corner of my skull: this isn’t like anything that you knew; this is what happens next. And I asked myself, well then, what happens next? And the answer was, being an adult.

That is kind of a big revelation to cope with while you are drinking cheap beer on a free boat ride, but you don’t always get to choose when to cope with things, and anyway, most of the revelations in this what-comes-next world will probably share space with low-cost booze. And I liked the boat ride; I liked the people on the boat ride; I really liked this year.