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A Merry Tiger Beatdown Christmas: 100% FACTUALLY ACCURATE Edition

As you may have known, I spent much time these past two weeks protesting what I saw as irresponsible coverage of the Julian Assange case. Saying, for example, that these two women were far-flung agents of the CIA, or some other secret government agency, planted in the hopes of luring him in as “honeypots” and then framing him with the always-successful, always-easily-prosecuted, never-frequently-scoffed-at-and-minimized-and-dismissed means of DATE RAPE CLAIMS: I argued that this was misogynist, framed in the profound cultural desire to disbelieve in, minimize, and demean the actual rate of and damage done by rape that we refer to, in the not-using-several-words-when-you-could-use-two circles, as “rape apologism,” and also, coincidentally, just not basically rooted in any damn evidence at all. And also, not coincidentally, pretty much no-one reporting on the case seemed to know a damn thing about Sweden aside from as a place of surreal straight-dude nightmare fuel, as for example the many confusing claims that it is a country aimed pretty much entirely at criminalizing awesome heterosexual intercourse, where women routinely put men in jail for holding their hands at the movies, due possibly to the fact that their only elected official is Resurrected Zombie Andrea Dworkin, and also if you try to conceive a baby there via condomless sex your boyfriend will be executed with a rusty axe in a back alley. (He is not your husband. Marriage, as we all know, is illegal in Sweden.)

But regretfully, I must now admit that I was wrong to protest. And, as all responsible ladybusiness bloggers must do, I must now offer you a full apology, and retraction. I now have every reason to believe that the Swedish government has conspired with these two women against Assange. For shocking new video has come to light, of a Swedish government official violently THREATENING JULIAN ASSANGE’S VERY LIFE!!! Click below for this never before-seen footage!

… Oh. Oh, shit. That’s a turtle?

Well, never mind. That’s fine. For shocking new video has come to light, of a Swedish government official violently THREATENING JULIAN ASSANGE’S VERY LIFE, whereupon Julian Assange and the Swedish government official shockingly COME TO A MOVING AND MUSICAL RECONCILIATION!!!!!!

… Oh. Oh, shit. That’s Big Bird.

Well, you know, it’s cool. It’s not like I have any special reason to make sure this stuff is accurate or even marginally not-nonsensical, before I tell you that it happened. Anyway, this is Sady Doyle, signing off, reminding you to ALWAYS do EXACTLY as much thinking as 99.9% of the paid news people and random Internet commenting dudes who show up to tell you exactly what is really, undoubtedly, not-shitting-you-I’m-sure-this-is-factual TRUE about the ongoing investigation of Julian Assange.

… Everyone in Sweden is still a Muppet, right? I mean, I didn’t screw that one up.

… Right?

27 Comments

  1. Nicole wrote:

    Wonderful.

    Have a very merry Christmas, Sady. You deserve it :)

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 8:59 am | Permalink
  2. Roux wrote:

    Yep. Muppets. All of us. ;)

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 9:12 am | Permalink
  3. Maya wrote:

    hahaha

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 9:16 am | Permalink
  4. PANIC wrote:

    I LOVE Muppets!! I’m moving to Sweden!

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 10:17 am | Permalink
  5. Keith wrote:

    Wait…so Julian Assange’s accusers were planted by The Count? It all makes sense now…

    “Let’s see how many rape accusations I can frame on Assange. One rape accusation, ha ha ha! Two accusations, ha ha ha!”

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 10:50 am | Permalink
  6. Zavi wrote:

    “due possibly to the fact that their only elected official is Resurrected Zombie Andrea Dworkin” = EPIC WIN.

    A very merry Christmas, Sady!

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 11:10 am | Permalink
  7. alice wrote:

    A++

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 11:13 am | Permalink
  8. Becky wrote:

    Merry Christmas Sady. Take care of yourself!

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 1:28 pm | Permalink
  9. clairedammit wrote:

    Keith, brilliant. And yes, Sady, 100% of the Swedish peoples I know are muppets, so there you go.

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 3:33 pm | Permalink
  10. Randall wrote:

    Sady roasted them in bunska-bunska.

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 9:24 pm | Permalink
  11. Lu wrote:

    Happy Christmas, Sady! ~bork-bork-bork~

    Saturday, December 25, 2010 at 11:11 pm | Permalink
  12. Renee wrote:

    XD @ 5

    They need to bring back the Muppets.

    Merry Christmas Sady!

    Sunday, December 26, 2010 at 1:09 am | Permalink
  13. Marie wrote:

    Merry Christmas, Sady! Thanks to you I got to set my uncle right on the Assange case at Christmas dinner yesterday.

    Sunday, December 26, 2010 at 5:37 am | Permalink
  14. AndyG wrote:

    Merry Christmas! Anyone else see this comment from Assange:

    “Mr Assange regards himself as a victim of radicalism. “Sweden is the Saudi Arabia of feminism,” he said. “I fell into a hornets’ nest of revolutionary feminism.”"

    http://www.theaustralian.com.au/in-depth/wikileaks/wikileaks-founder-baffled-by-sex-assault-claims/story-fn775xjq-1225976459286 [TW for descriptions of sexual assault]

    Any lingering doubts are gone – at the very least he is guilty of being a class-A whining mysoginist

    Sunday, December 26, 2010 at 9:17 pm | Permalink
  15. patrick wrote:

    DAMNIT DOYLE YOU KEEP THE SWEDISH CHEF OUT OF THIS!

    also: a merry christmas and happy new year to you.

    Sunday, December 26, 2010 at 10:29 pm | Permalink
  16. Other Becky wrote:

    @AndyG — “The Saudi Arabia of feminism”? WTF does that even mean? Possibilities:
    1. Swedish feminism has camels
    2. Swedish feminism has controversial US military bases in it
    3. Swedish feminism is the home of two great holy cities
    4. Swedish feminism is ruled by a hereditary monarchy
    5. Swedish feminism is situated over massive oil deposits
    6. The ruling elites of Swedish feminism are fabulously wealthy
    7. Swedish feminism has a strict & ruthlessly enforced dress code

    Any other thoughts? Because I’m voting for #1 at the moment. Feminism with camels would be awesome.

    Monday, December 27, 2010 at 10:23 am | Permalink
  17. Roux wrote:

    OH MY GOD THERE ARE TOTALLY CAMELS IN SWEDEN ASSANGE MUST BE RIGHT!!!1

    http://kamelranch.se/index.php/1353847

    Monday, December 27, 2010 at 12:41 pm | Permalink
  18. Hektor wrote:

    Why is there so much snow outside? Is Julian Assange wikileaking Sweden’s classified snow all over New York?!

    Monday, December 27, 2010 at 2:32 pm | Permalink
  19. Other Becky wrote:

    The Swedish tourism board (or whatever) needs to get right on that. So many great slogan possibilities!
    “Sweden: Where men are men and women ride camels.”
    “Sweden: Our feminism has ruminants. Ruminants that spit.”
    “Sweden: Home of ice-skating feminist dromedaries.”
    “Sweden: Our feminists aren’t ball-busters; the camels do it for them.”

    Monday, December 27, 2010 at 10:02 pm | Permalink
  20. Satan wrote:

    nice way to ridicule humorously.
    you kick ass and call it as you see it. keep doing it!!!

    Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 5:53 am | Permalink
  21. m wrote:

    @Other Becky – Well, I’m sorry to say, Swedish feminism (or feminists at least) IS ruled by hereditary monarchy, just like the Saudi version.

    But I digress. I’m not here to discuss the tragic fact that we still have monarchy in Sweden.

    I read somewhere on a tumblr blog something along the lines of: If Sweden does NOT ask for rapists in general to be extradited then the Assange thing seems fishy for that reason if nothing else.

    A little ol’ two minute googling led me to previous examples of Sweden asking for someone who was accused of rape to be extradited to Sweden. And they were “ordinary rapers”. No international men of mystery.

    Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 6:53 am | Permalink
  22. m wrote:

    (And since I can’t comment on tumblr blogs I just spraypainted the first related post I found. Sorry about that. I just had to get it out there).

    Merry Christmas!

    Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 6:55 am | Permalink
  23. Crass wrote:

    I want camels with my feminism! Where are my freakin’ camels?

    Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 7:09 am | Permalink
  24. Sarah wrote:

    “Let’s see how many rape accusations I can frame on Assange. One rape accusation, ha ha ha! Two accusations, ha ha ha!” <—- This is the best thing I've ever read.

    Wednesday, December 29, 2010 at 12:43 am | Permalink
  25. @AndyG — “The Saudi Arabia of feminism”? WTF does that even mean? Possibilities: 1. Swedish feminism has camels 2. Swedish feminism has controversial US military bases in it 3. Swedish feminism is the home of two great holy cities 4. Swedish feminism is ruled by a hereditary monarchy 5. Swedish feminism is situated over massive oil deposits 6. The ruling elites of Swedish feminism are fabulously wealthy 7. Swedish feminism has a strict & ruthlessly enforced dress code Any other thoughts? Because I’m voting for #1 at the moment. Feminism with camels would be awesome.

    Wednesday, December 29, 2010 at 7:10 am | Permalink
  26. raddad wrote:

    We need more victims of radical feminism.

    Wednesday, December 29, 2010 at 11:57 am | Permalink
  27. Andrea Kiepe wrote:

    Folks, the people at World Can’t Wait’s Facebook page waited a week after I shamed them into stopping their rape apology and are right back at it now. If anyone wants to assist, I’d appreciate it.

    Wednesday, December 29, 2010 at 9:07 pm | Permalink