As you may have known, I spent much time these past two weeks protesting what I saw as irresponsible coverage of the Julian Assange case. Saying, for example, that these two women were far-flung agents of the CIA, or some other secret government agency, planted in the hopes of luring him in as “honeypots” and then framing him with the always-successful, always-easily-prosecuted, never-frequently-scoffed-at-and-minimized-and-dismissed means of DATE RAPE CLAIMS: I argued that this was misogynist, framed in the profound cultural desire to disbelieve in, minimize, and demean the actual rate of and damage done by rape that we refer to, in the not-using-several-words-when-you-could-use-two circles, as “rape apologism,” and also, coincidentally, just not basically rooted in any damn evidence at all. And also, not coincidentally, pretty much no-one reporting on the case seemed to know a damn thing about Sweden aside from as a place of surreal straight-dude nightmare fuel, as for example the many confusing claims that it is a country aimed pretty much entirely at criminalizing awesome heterosexual intercourse, where women routinely put men in jail for holding their hands at the movies, due possibly to the fact that their only elected official is Resurrected Zombie Andrea Dworkin, and also if you try to conceive a baby there via condomless sex your boyfriend will be executed with a rusty axe in a back alley. (He is not your husband. Marriage, as we all know, is illegal in Sweden.)
But regretfully, I must now admit that I was wrong to protest. And, as all responsible ladybusiness bloggers must do, I must now offer you a full apology, and retraction. I now have every reason to believe that the Swedish government has conspired with these two women against Assange. For shocking new video has come to light, of a Swedish government official violently THREATENING JULIAN ASSANGE’S VERY LIFE!!! Click below for this never before-seen footage!
… Oh. Oh, shit. That’s a turtle?
Well, never mind. That’s fine. For shocking new video has come to light, of a Swedish government official violently THREATENING JULIAN ASSANGE’S VERY LIFE, whereupon Julian Assange and the Swedish government official shockingly COME TO A MOVING AND MUSICAL RECONCILIATION!!!!!!
… Oh. Oh, shit. That’s Big Bird.
Well, you know, it’s cool. It’s not like I have any special reason to make sure this stuff is accurate or even marginally not-nonsensical, before I tell you that it happened. Anyway, this is Sady Doyle, signing off, reminding you to ALWAYS do EXACTLY as much thinking as 99.9% of the paid news people and random Internet commenting dudes who show up to tell you exactly what is really, undoubtedly, not-shitting-you-I’m-sure-this-is-factual TRUE about the ongoing investigation of Julian Assange.
… Everyone in Sweden is still a Muppet, right? I mean, I didn’t screw that one up.