I’ve been following your tumblr for a long time but I’m embarrassed to post this under my name. What’s the best advice you have for someone who has never actually HAD sex but kind of done everything but? I mean this in terms of I’m with a person now (I’m a girl, he’s a guy) and he’s so much more experienced then I am and it kind of intimidates me. I want to reciprocate as much as possible but I want it to be enjoyable.
I’ll start off by talking about expertise. This dude you are with may have read all of the books on sex and may have had lots of sex in the course of his life, but he doesn’t know more about your body than you do. You are the expert. On what excites you, what pleases you, and what hurts you. Remember this ever single time you have sex. Your job is not to conform your sexual comfort to his sexual desire. You are there for you. For the physical and emotional pleasure that you can achieve together.
The second thing I’d like to talk about is education. You are now part of a global conversation made up of women talking about their bodies and their sexuality. This conversation takes sexual knowledge that in previous generations would have been shared in small, localized communities and makes it available to everyone. You should start to claim your rightful place in this conversation by reading about sex, reading what other people have to say about it. If the thing you’re reading starts throwing the word “duty” around, telling you it’s your “duty as a woman” to do something, stop reading it. Because the idea that it is your duty to do anything but be the expert on you treats sex like a debate about your body. What if you think it hurts and he thinks it doesn’t? Is it your “duty” to be miserable? NO.
Now a word about pain: pain might be a indicator that you are being hurt or the sex needs to stop. You might enjoy pain and welcome it in your sexual experience, you might not. This is for you to decide. But not all pain is the same. A few weeks ago Chloe Angyal wrote an excellent piece for Salon about pelvic pain. These are the sorts of articles that you should be reading, to inform all of these decisions you’ll be making. Even if you don’t experience pelvic pain, you will probably meet people in your life who do. Giving people healthy, safe information about their own bodies is what we do for each other to keep each other safe.
The one thing I regret about the start of my sexual history is the number of times I let other people hurt me and convince me that sex was one person being miserable and another person profiting from that misery. Once I started insisting on being the authority on what I wanted and what I could handle and what I didn’t like, I discovered that sex could be fun. For everyone!
Be the expert on your own body. Join the conversation and read what other women have to say. Go as slow as you want to. And come back with more questions, if you have them. Good luck.
Okay Beatdown, I know you are all doing holiday preparations, but feel free to share any resources or experiences you think might help this lady. As always, comments will be deleted if they are wrong or creepy or don’t pay due allegiance to the monolithic Feminist hivemind. Last week we had a lot of comments from people who hadn’t read the moderation policy, but still felt the need to criticize it. The picture below is an appendix to the written policy, in light of these criticisms.